Friday, April 4, 2008

Three To Thirteen Minutes ? Houston, We Have A Problem !

I was going to leave this subject alone, but I just can't pass it up. CNN reported yesterday that a new sex study has determined that the adequate amount of time for a couple to have good sex is between 3 and 13 minutes. My first reaction to this study is that it must have been conducted by males.

I am not an expert on this subject (which is why I keep practicing), but from past experience I would suggest to the man who opts for the lower side of this range that:

a) If he is single, he will lose his girlfriend.

b) If he is married, he will face the wrath of his wife, which in turn, will force him to try to think of baseball while having sex or shoot himself in the leg to possibly invoke pity and be put on the disabled list for a period of time while searching for new answers to his dilemma.

At best, 13 minutes, again relying on my past experiences, will not necessarily earn you a medal, but it will allow you time to work on your act. 13 minutes will pacify your lady if you have an expensive gift in the nightstand ready to be immediately given to her after your "performance." This particular practice can be quite expensive and its effect only lasts 6 months to a year.

Since the CNN report did not specify if the 13 minutes included foreplay (defined as "in the act of" and not the time spent finding the porn tape and putting it in the DVD player), there is the possibility that 13-15 minutes of actual "seat time" would suffice, but I'd still keep a gift in the nightstand, just in case.

13 minutes defined for young lovers would be described as three minutes of action followed by ten minutes of apologies. As defined for the older generation it would be described as fond memories and is normally discussed while watching re-runs of Seinfeld.

                  

The Cat's Ass Trophy As of today, we have one nominee, made by Jackie, for the CAT Award. The nominee is Mark A. Castillo, the sicko from Rockville, Maryland who picked up his three children, ages six, four and two, from his estranged wife and drowned them in a bathtub at a hotel. Any new nominations can be made until Monday at 12:00 noon.

T.G.I.F. Friday has arrived and I'm ready for my field trip to AREA 51 for rest and recreation. If I were to put the two in chronological order, methinks I'll recreate first and rest after my mission is completed. I'm not one 100 percent sure of my destination but I'm way past 13 percent.

The Pictures: This paragraph is giving me nothing but grief, so suffice to say, there's pictures ! I rewrote this paragraph 13 times and the font's still screwy. I think I'll just play 013 on the lottery tonight !

This Date In History: 1818; Congress approves the U.S. flag with 13 red and white stripes and 20 stars; a star is to be added for each new state. 1850; Los Angeles is incorporated as a city the same year as California is admitted to the Union. 1949; NATO is formed by 12 western democratic nations including the United States and Great Britain, to safeguard against Soviet aggression. 1964; The Beatles hold the top five spots on Billboard's Hot 100, setting an all-time record. 1968; Martin Luther King is assassinated in Memphis, Tennessee; in 1969, James Earl Ray pleads guilty to the shooting. 2008; Icelandic scientist Loof Lirpa, continues to befuddle the readers of this journal, as they still have been unable to decode his identity, in spite of the fact that he has been mentioned in this journal for four straight days.

Birthdays: Linus Yale, locksmith (1821), Marguerite Duras, novelist, playwright, film director and screenwriter (1914), Muddy Waters, born McKinley Morganfield, blues musician (1915), Maya Angelou, author, poet and entertainer (1928), Anthony Perkins, actor (1932).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Sister Jeanne sent me the following story............

Sixty-five Year Old Woman Gives Birth.

A sixty-five year old woman who was taking fertility drugs recently gave birth to a baby boy. Upon her arrival at home, her friend, Mary, came by to seethe baby.

After exchanging pleasantries, Mary asked to see the baby. The woman said, "Not now, I'll make some coffee and we can visit for a while."

Thirtyminutes passed and Mary asked to see the baby again. The woman said, "Ok, when he cries." Growing impatient, Mary said, "When he cries? Why do I have to wait until be cries?"

The woman said, "Because I forgot where I put him, Ok?"

The New Priest

A priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stonedoff his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yay God.
13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

That's it for today my little tinker toys. Have a great and safe weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

11 comments:

garnett109 said...

enjoy your weekend

nhd106 said...

Funny joke!  And good luck on that lottery...

Nance

bamawmn46 said...

I just got the phone call... I'm on the way to Area 51 myself!

Hey to the paperboy!

Jackie

myalerts08 said...

Icelandic scientist is APRIL FOOL...easy

midwestvintage said...

 I absolutely got the terrible giggles reading your opening paragraph.  Hummmmm 13 minutes and then a great gift.  done deal.  I can't top Jackie's nonimee, great choice.   Great joke.

                   Julie

lsfp1960 said...

I heard that bit on sex a couple days ago.  The latest thing gooing out on the airwave is the man in Oregon that's pregnant.  He/she and the little wife were on Oprah yesterday. Quite a story.   Have a good weekend and behave yourself.  Linda in windy, rainy Washington  

ksquester said...

IF the gift is THAT good, can we make is a flat 2 mintues?   haaaaaaaaaaaa   Sometimes, I amuse myself.     Anne

lanurseprn said...

3 minutes...hmmm.....been there done that when I was very young! No thanks! 13 minutes is even cutting it short LOL! But, for a good gift...I'll deal with it LOL! Men could take lessons from you Jimmy!
LOL on the joke.
Have a time tonight...
Love, Pam xoxox

bvaneps834 said...

I NEVER QUITE KNOW WHAT TO SAY-

inquestoftruth said...

I wonder why they even did that sex "study" !!
~Meg

luvrte66 said...

I think I'll just leave this one alone. :)

Beth