Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Childhood Days: Saturday Cartoons And Movies

Well, it's Hump Day and a trip to AREA 51 would really make my day, but alas, the chances of making happy hour today look bleak. It seems that every time I put out a fire, a new one is kindled. I feel like a one-legged Irishman in an ass-kicking contest. But fear not, my little rose buds, I am making every attempt to finish up and head over to Lakes Cafe. Ship happens, as they say in the yacht business.

Saturday morning cartoons and television shows were always something to look forward to when I was a puppy. I remember getting up early in the morning and watching the test pattern until the station came on the air. There were always cartoons, including Tom and Jerry, Mighty Mouse, Woody Woodpecker, Bugs Bunny and The Roadrunner.

Then the shows came on. We would watch The Buster Brown Show, Roy Rogers and Dale Evans, Sky King and The Little Rascals (Our Gang). The Three Stooges were always a treat when they would come on periodically, but they never came on consistently.

If we were really lucky, we'd go to the movie theater. That was almost an all day affair as we would watch the cartoons first, then the Movietone News reel and then the serial, which was a half hour continuing short movie that always left you hanging (so that you would return the following week).

Finally, the "feature" movie would come on. Since it was the closest theater within bicycle distance, we never bothered to see what was playing because just going to the movies was an event unto itself. I saw "Carousel" and "Oklahoma" when they first came out at that theater and I remember being surprised, then angry, thatthe actors would stop in the scene and start singing for no apparent reason. Musicals never were one of my favorites.

Those days were innocent and bring back fond memories. We would ride our bikes to the movies (which was a mile away) and leave our bikes outside in the rack unlocked. The theater was our playground all day long and we sometimes watched the featured movie twice. Then, just before it got dark, we'd ride home, happy as larks.

It's a shame that the good kids of today can't enjoy similar experiences. With the street monkeys of lurking in every nook and cranny waiting to rob someone or steal something, it's unsafe for children to go anywhere without adult supervision.


The Pictures: Both My Perfect Martini and my pal, Anne, sent me some neat pictures of fruits and vegetables that take on a distinct personality. I don't know who created these shots, but I'm sure you'll find them interesting.

This Date In History: 1789; George Washington is inaugurated as the first president of the United States in New York City. 1803; The United States more than doubles its size with the Louisiana Purchase, a vast territory bought from France for $15 million dollars. 1812; The territory of Orleans enters the Union as the 18th state, the state of Louisiana. 1939; Franklin D. Roosevelt is the first U.S. president to appear on television when NBC begins broadcasting with live coverage of the New York World's Fair. 1945; Refusing to surrender after Germany is defeated by Allied forces at the end of World War II, German dictator Adolf Hitler commits suicide in his Berlin bunker. 1975; The Vietnam War ends when Duong Van Minh, president of South Vietnam, surrenders unconditionally to North Vietnamese forces.

Birthdays: Mary II, queen of England, Scotland and Ireland (1662), Franz Lehar, composer (1870), Willie Nelson, singer and songwriter (1933), Don Schollander, Olympic swimmer (1946), Isaah Thomas, professional basketball player (1961).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says: "Hi there good looking, how's it going?"

She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it." He says: "No kidding?, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

A blind man walks into a bar, makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender. "Hey, You wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair that you should know five things.

Number one, the bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

Number two, the bouncer is a blonde girl.

Number three, I'm a six-foot-tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

Number four, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

Number five, the lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

She concludes by smugly asking, "Now think about it seriously, mister, do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

That's it for today my little lady bugs. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

There's Fire In The News This Week !

It's amazing that all of a sudden, Barack Obama-Lama-Ding-Dong, has attempted to distance himself from Jeremiah Wright. In fact, Wright nailed it on the head, when he inferred that Obama's first reaction to Wright's original remarks and videos of his hateful and damning sermon, was political posturing. Obama was attempting to keep the black vote while attempting to appease and gain the white vote. Obama didn't attempt to cut his ties with him until he realized that the public reaction to Wright's latest remarks was torpedoing his candidacy.

Although Jeremiah Wright is an obvious jerk and a former CAT Award winner, he has done the nation a service in shedding a true light on Obama's hidden agenda, that being, say what the people want to hear. Obama is simply cutting his losses and should have cut his ties with the likes of Jeremiah Wright a long time ago. But he didn't ! Imagine, if you will, Rev Jeremiah Wright being the spiritual advisor and mentor to the president of the United States.

Miley Cyrus, aka Hannah Montanais the 15 year old daughter of country singer, Bill Ray Cyrus. She recently posed for pictures with her father for Vanity Fair magazine. There has been quite a reaction to these photographs and Miley Cyprus has apologized for the pictures calling them embarrassing. It seems to me both Miley and her father knew well how the pictures looked as they had handlers and advisors all over the set during the shoot. Their apologies came after a poor public reaction.

One of the funniest reactions came from Howard Stern, the low life scum bag whose television show always featured half-naked women. Stern called Billy Ray Cyrus an opportunist and called the father-daughter photograph "weird." Talk about the pot calling the kettle black ! Here's the pic, judge for yourselves.


The Pictures: Today's photographs are a mix of many single theme pictures that I've discovered in my travels on the Internet. Although a bit eclectic, I think you'll enjoy them. 

This Date In History: 1429; Joan of Arc, a 17-year-old French peasant convinced she has a divine mission to expel the British from France, leads troops into the besieged city of Orleans. 1945; German dictator Adolf Hitler marries Eva Braun in a Berlin Bunker. The following day, they commit suicide. 1980; British-born director Alfred Hitchcock, best known for psychological suspense films such as "Psycho", dies at age 80. 1984; Britain announces that its administration of Hong Kong will cease in 1997, when it will return the colony to China.

Birthdays: Alexander, emperor of Russia (1818), William Randolph Hearst, American publisher and political figure, who built up the America's largest chain of newspapers (1863), Duke Ellington, jazz composer, bandleader and pianist (1899), Hirohito, emperor of Japan (1901), Zubin Mehta, conductor (1936).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot girl walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?" He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..."

Thinking he might get lucky, he says, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss." She then looks at him with a smile, puts two of her fingers in his mouth and he begins thinking, "I'm in!!!" She says, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" The bartenders says, "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" The guy says, "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, he eats everything in sight. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and then eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" The man says, "Now what?" The bartender says, "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!"

The guy says, "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me. He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

That's it for today my little Pez dispensers. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, April 28, 2008

Hot Flashes or How I Stopped Worrying About News Flashes

The media has been steadily aggravating me with their biased and slanted version of the news and frankly, it's time to start reacting to their inflated egos and commentary. Their motto seems to be "We are the media and we'll tell you what's going on"

Well, guess what! I speak three languages and have a very intimate knowledge of the English language. I have the ability to think for myself, listen to a speaker, comprehend the message and ascertain the direction of the speech. It is not necessary for some condescending asshole to paraphrase or explain to me what I heard.

In the Pennsylvania elections, Hillary Clinton won by ten points over Barack Obama and the media said that she still lost. Barack Obama leads the elections in delegates and the popular vote and the media says that he can't close the deal. Are we using the same glasses and the same hearing aid?

The media, like attorneys and the lawmakers in Washington, D.C., propagate and fuel their own existence. When political fires start burning low, they simply add fuel to the fire. The elections are a political process and the game isn't over until the fat lady sings.

The media is and has been biased in their views. Their ability to influence the public and manipulate the news for their own gains is becoming quite dangerous. They are the deliverers of the news, not the makers of the news, and it's time that they take the proper moral responsibility for their remarks and commentaries (Shall I remove the soapbox? Yes.).

Friday Night: My sojourn into AREA 51 started out at Lakes Cafe and Pub with my pal, Emilio. Owners Richard and Danny had a packed house and the karaoke show was going strong when we arrived around 10:00 p.m. I saw my pal Carole there and we sang "You've Got A Friend" by "Sweet Baby James" Taylor. When Lakes Cafe started slowing down, we headed over to the "Billiards Club" for a nightcap and I made it home by around 2:00 a.m.

The Cat's Ass Trophy: There was only one nominee for last week's CAT Award and that was actor Wesley Snipes, nominated by Garnett. Snipes was convicted last of income tax evasion and will be spending the next three years of his acting career in prison.

Mr. Snipes undoubtedly will lose his disdain of paying taxes over the next three years as well as the possible loss of other more intimate areas should his bunkmate be the notorious "Bubba" of jailhouse fame. We all have to pay taxes Mr. Snipes and you are no exception to the rule.

Therefore, the CAT Award and congratulations go to Wesley Snipes for his complete disregard for the laws of the land and income tax evasion. Way to set an example, Wes! You 'da man !

Odds And Ends: The stage is being set early for this week's CAT Award beginning with the 73 year old Austrian man, already nominated by Linda, that has been arrested for incest and imprisonment of his daughter for the past 24 years... Rev Jeremiah Wright is back in the news showing his disdain and contempt for anyone who dislikes his attitude and views. This asshole completely represents why thinking in terms of black and white will never come to be... Gasoline prices rose again today to an all-time high (until tomorrow). The idea of food prices rising will possibly be the next step towards confrontation and actual conflict with the oil producing nations, especially the middle east.

The Pictures: Tattoos, the whys and why nots. Some hopefully amusing photoshoped pictures may help you decide. I have some other interesting pics, mostly single entries, including watermelon art and some shots of something really neat. Unfortunately, I have completely forgotten it's category or where I put it. If you see additional pictures, that's them. If not, now you know why. 

This Date In History: 1789; Fletcher Christian led a mutiny on the British ship Bounty. Captain William Bligh and 18 loyalcrew members were set adrift on a small boat. 1945: Benito Mussolini, Italian fascist dictator, is shot by the Italian Resistance in Dongo, Italy. His mistress, Clara Petacci, and members of his entourage are also shot. 1960; French president Charles de Gaulle resigns after his proposals for constitution reforms are defeated in a national referendum. 1967; World heavyweight champion Muhammed Ali refuses induction into the U.S. Army for religious reasons. He is later convicted of draft evasion.

Birthdays: James Monroe, 5th president of the United States (1758), Lionel Barrymore, actor (1878), James Baker, U.S. secretary of state (1930), Jay Leno, Tonight Show television host (1950).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The

A Somalian man arrives in New York City as a new immigrant. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, You Americans have a wonderful country." The passerby says, " You are mistaken, I am an Arab from the Middle East."

He stops the next person he sees and says, "I want to thank you Americans for allowing me to come to your country."  The man replies, "I am not American, I am an African-American."

He sees a man approaching and he greets him with, "I want to thank you Americans for housing, food stamps, free education and welfare to help me." The man says, " I am not American, I am Mexican." He asks the man, "Where are all the Americans?" The Mexican looks at his watch and says, "Probably at work."

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, racing rapidly around the nursing home. The poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, so the other residents tolerated her antics and some of them actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding down the corridor when a door opened and out stepped Kooky Clarence. He raised his hand and said, "Halt ! Do you have license to drive that thing?" Ethel reached into her pocket, pulled out the daily menu and handed it to Clarence. He said, "Very well, ma'am, you can go."

When she sped around the corner near the television lounge, out jumped weird Harold and said, "Stop ! Do you have proof of insurance?" Ethel reached into her pocket and handed the menu to Harold. He said, "OK, you may proceed."

As she raced toward her room, Horny Howard stepped in front of her, butt naked, with what was left of his manhood in his hand.  Ethel yelled, "Not that damned breathalyzer test again!"

That's it for today my little turnip greens. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, April 25, 2008

Just Follow The Yellow Brick Road -or- At Least Keep It Between The White Lines !

T.G.I.F. has become the rallying cry in AREA 51 lately, especially with the current economy, gasoline prices and now food prices. I knew the food prices would being affected if nothing more than the mere fact that goods need to be transported to the various stores and fuel is an integral part of the delivery process. The thing that gets me is the current run on rice. Don't get me wrong, I like rice, but it never dawned on me that people would start storing up and hoarding rice.

But, it's Friday, my favorite day of the week and the cost of rice isn't really my number one thought, although I do like Saki. You may call it rice wine but it's Saki to me (if you never watched Rowan and Martin's "Laugh-In", this one will sail way over your head).

Current Plan A for tonight's adventures is to go to Lakes Cafe and Pub, where the very talented Gipsy will be hosting the karaoke show, both this evening and Saturday night. If last Friday is any indication, it should be a fun evening. Alternate Plan B is currently under consideration but nothing concrete has been determined.

Thursday evening: Last night, I was finally able see the lovely Rocio and we started out at Lakes Cafe for some drinks. We had postponed this date for two straight weeks due to schedules, but at last we hooked up and just goofed off for about an hour and a half, catching up on the happenings since we last went out.

From Lakes Cafe, we stopped by The Alibi so that Rocio could see the changes that were made since we last went there. We had an entertaining evening and I was able to take a few pictures with my cell phone, most of which didn't really come out as well as I had hoped, but pictures nonetheless. We always forget to bring a camera, so the cell phone camera had to suffice. Here's a couple of the better shots.



The good thing about my trusty camera phone is that it's always with me, and as you can see, I'm happy that it was.

The Cat's Ass TrophyThere has been one nominee for the CAT Award this week, that being actor Wesley Snipes, nominated by Garnett, for income tax evasion. Snipes has been convicted of the crime and has been sentenced to three years in prison.

A reminder that nominations remain open until Monday at noon for additional nominees. Look around, turn over a rock, check the garbage and if you come up with someone or something, feel free to nominate.

The Pictures: The animal world is the subject of today's photographs. Old Timer's prevents me from telling you that they're new, but they're new to me. I think you'll like 'em.

This Date In History: 1859; Work begins on the Suez Canal in Egypt; it opens in 1869. 1945; Delegates from 50 nations meet in San Francisco to organize the United Nations. 1956; Elvis Presley's "Heartbreak Hotel" hits number one on the music charts 1967; Governor John Love of Colorado signs the first law legalizing abortion in the United States.

Birthdays: Oliver Cromwell, English Revolution leader and Lord Protector of England (1599), Gugliemo Marconi, electrical engineer (1874), Edward R. Murrow, radio and television executive and commentator (1904), Ella Fitzgerald, jazz singer (1917), Al Pacino, motion picture and stage actor (1940).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied,"130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."

Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "120." So the robot started talking about the super bowl, dirt bikes, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is fantastic."

A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "80." The robot then said, "So, how are things in New Orleans these days?"

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in El Paso, Texas, while awaiting their respective flights. One is an American Indian; another is a Texas cowboy; and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived in the U.S. from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing, but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward. "Once my people were few,"he sneers,"and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth, and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin

That's it for today my little sweet peas. Have a great and safe weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Tales Of A Wandering Soul !

The Hump Day jaunt to AREA 51 went somewhat astray last evening, although "astray" is probably a misnomer in that I ofttimes stray from Plan A. I stopped by my pal, Emilio's house with the intent of leaving from there to go to Lakes Cafe and Pub.

We had a drink and while discussing some of the news of the day, the domino table appeared, and so we decided to play a game or two while finishing the drinks. Needless to say, one game led to two, one drink led to two and I went home between one and two.

I did accomplish one thing last evening which was to contact my lovely pal, Carrie, to see if she'd have drinks with me next week. During the domino games last night, I text'd her an invitation to meet with me and she agreed, so I'm looking forward to seeing her.

I'm going out tonight with the beautiful Rocio, an engagement that we've postponed for two weeks, ostensibly to my favorite AREA 51 watering hole, Lakes Cafe and Pub. There's a good chance, however, that we'll sneak over to "The Alibi" (formerly Krystel's Restaurant and Lounge, 'cause she used to work there a few years back and she wants to see what they've done with the new place. I'll try to remember to take a few pictures tonight.

Possum S. Hemmingway is the given name of my cat, who I affectionately refer to as "Shithead", so everyone thinks that's what the "S" stands for in his name. This is incorrect, because the "S" stands for "Steve", but I digress. He apparently enjoys being near me, including claiming his particular area on my bed at night.

The problem is that Shithead snores ! The sound is sort of like a slight whistle combined with a low goose type honk (which I think is in the key of A flat). When I am very tired, I quietly slip into a coma and a hurricane would not wake me.

There are times however, that I'm weary, but I cannot fall asleep. I lie down and assume the position and just about the time I drift off, Shithead jumps onto the bed, claims his position (whether I happen to be occupying same or not) and begins his ritual of cleaning and licking, which for some reason has to be done before going to sleep.

Once he has completed the ritual, he curls up and immediately goes to sleep. Thinking that the calm has returned, I again try to go to sleep and the show begins.... hooonnnnk, whistle....hooonnnk, whistle. Sometimes he just goes haaagh...haaagh, ad nauseum. It's at this point in time that I just get up, go to the computer and do something, anything, awaiting the point where my mind just gives up and I hit the sack.

I know that there are some of you that are well aware that this is true because I've received many of your emails and alerts at that time of the morning. My cat has many more little habits that are aggravating and since a picture's worth a thousand words, here's one of his favorite acts...


The Pictures: Signs, signs, everywhere signs. Do this, don't do that.... Yeah, they're everywhere, some funny, some not. It's a sign of the times (pun intended).

This Date In History: 1800; The U.S. Library of Congress is established in the Capitol building in Washington, D.C.; it moves to its own quarters in 1897. 1898; Spain declares war on the United States, ignoring an ultimatum to withdraw from Cuba. 1916; Irish nationalists, rebelling against British rule, seize key buildings in Dublin and proclaim Ireland an independent republic in the Easter Rebellion. 1967; Soviet cosmonaut Vladimir Komarov is the first person to die during a space mission when the Soyuz I crashes to earth. 1981; IBM introduces its first personal computer, the IBM PC; its enormous success soon leads competitors to clone the machine.

Birthdays: Edmund Cartwright, inventor (1743), Robert Penn Warren, novelist, poet and critic (1905), Shirley MacLaine, actress and author (1934), Barbra Streisand, singer, actress, director and producer (1942).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Today's menu is rated G and has the Good Bartending Seal of Approval.

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when an attractive blonde neighbor came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angered, she again stormed back in her house.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out yet again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked, "Is something wrong?" The blond replied "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying 'You've Got Mail'."

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

That's it for today my little sweet potatos. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Free Tonight? No, But I'm Reasonable"

The arrival of the midweek pinnacle is here and upon reaching the summit, it's downhill from here. Yes, my little fireflies, it's Hump Day and tonight we're off to AREA 51 for an evening of frolic and festivity. Well rested this week, I go forth into the social world this evening prepared to interact with my pals at happy hour and solve worldly problems to numerous to mention (such as).

The final destination is yet to be determined, however the current Plan A will be Lakes Cafe and Pub. As per my normal preparations, I am assimilating an Alternate Plan B as a back-up. Normally, during the week, it's only necessary to have 2 plans. On weekends, especially Fridays, it never hurts to have an alternate Plan C in the back of one's mind. Ya just never know, especially since tomorrow's twice postponed engagement with the lovely Rocio is still tentatively on the calendar.

Odds And Ends: Billary Clinton handily defeated Barack Obama-Lama-Ding-Dong in yesterday's Pennsylvania primary, garnering 55% of the vote. The question that keeps coming into my mind is, who cares ! The Women of the Texas Polygamist sect continue to set fashion trends, the latest being a unibrow sported by some of these beauties, to go along with their flashy hair-dos and unique designer dresses that remind one of quilting. Darwin would be astounded. George Bush is running around like a madman, trying to put together some sort of legacy after his term expires. Too bad he didn't think of that that when his term began (oops, I forgot, "Bush intelligence" is an oxymoron).


The Pictures: They look normal at first glance, but there's something a little different about these pictures today. Take a gander (or a goose for that matter).

This Date In History: 1616; William Shakespeare English dramatist and poet, often considered the greatest playwright in history, dies on his birthday in Stratford-upon-Avon, England. 1789; U.S. president George Washington and his wife, Martha, move into the first executive mansion, the Franklin House in New York, the White House is built ten years later. 1954; In professional baseball, Hank Aaron hits the first of his record 755 career home runs. 1969; Sirhan Sirhan is sentenced to death for the 1968 assassination of Senator Robert F. Kennedy; the sentence is later reduced to life in prison. 1985; The Coca Cola Company announces that it will change it's classic formula for coke; negative public reaction provokes a return to the old formula.

Birthdays: William Shakespeare, playwright and poet (1564), James Buchanan, 15th president of the United States (1791), Edward Everett, U.S. statesman, educator and orator (1794), Stephen Douglas, American politician (1813), Shirley Temple, motion-picture actress and considered to be one of the most successful child actors in the history of film; she later became a U.S. Ambassador (1924).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Author's Note: They're a little bawdy today, so read at your own risk (go ahead, you know you will anyway).

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!"

The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".

A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."

The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his manhood and shoves it in the gator's mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his manhood without a single scratch.

He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."

That's it for today my little sugar babies. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

There's A Lot Of History In That Funeral Home

Thinking that yesterday was going to be relaxing, I suddenly realized around 4:00 p.m. that I had to attend a viewing of one of my friend's father who recently passed away. Fortunately, most of the things that I needed to do were done, so I ate an early dinner and left for the funeral home around 7:30.

Upon my arrival, I entered to see my friend and give my condolences. As most funerals go, there's always that uncomfortable feeling that one gets in those times of sorrow. Yet, I also had sort of a warm, fuzzy feeling.

You see, the funeral home was once a restaurant and lounge called Gatsbys, and yours truly used to go there quite frequently between wife number one and wife number two ( as far as bathroom humor goes, you can play that hand as you wish).

As I stood outside the funeral home, I remembered arriving at Gatsby's, pulling up under the covered roof and the valet opening the car door. If I was accompanied, I take my lady's arm and we would make our "entrance." I had some good times there, seeing my friends, performing with the band and just "hanging out."

As I left for home, I smiled and thought, 'Well, when my time comes, what better place? Hell, all they really have to do is rebuild the bar and prop me up.'

What Were They Thinking? Rescue workers are searching for a priest who disappeared off the coast of Brazil while trying to break a record for the most hours flying with helium party balloons. Rescuers spent a second day seeking signs of the Rev. Adelir Antonio de Carli of the Sao Cristavo parish.

Carli lifted off Sunday afternoon wearing a helmet, thermal suit and a parachute. He was reported missing eight hours after losing contact with port authorities. Authorities saw pieces of balloons floating in the sea off the coast of Santa Catarina state close to where Carli made last contact. Uh, call me silly, father, but I would have passed on that one !

The Pictures: Been to a big resort lately? Think you've seen some big swimming pools? Wrong, chlorine breath ! Wait 'til you've seen this one! My pal, Garnett, sent me these pictures of the man-made saltwater lagoon at the San Alfonso del Mar resort at Algarrobo, on Chile's southern coast.

It is more than 1,000 yards long, covers 20 acres, has a deep end depth of 115 feet and holds 66 million gallons of seawater. I suggest that you wear water wings if you decide to do laps.


I've added a few more of my favorites to today's pictures, as well.

This Date In History: 1864; Congress authorizes the use of the phrase "In God We Trust" on U.S. Coins. 1889; A gunshot signals the start of the government-sponsored Oklahoma Land Rush; thousands of Americans rush into the territory to claim land. 1915; The New York Yankees debut their famous pinstripes and hat-in-the-ring logo. 1976; Barbara Walters signs a record one million dollar contract with ABC and becomes the first female nightly news anchor in the United States.

Birthdays: Isabella I, queen of Castile (1451), Vladimir Lenin, Soviet leaderand theorist (1870), J. Robert Oppenheimer, American physicist who directed the development of the first atomic bomb (1904), Jack Nicholson, film actor, writer, director and producer. (1937).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. 

There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" 

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the same guy phonesthe law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."

The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why doyou keep calling?" The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"

That's it for today my little honey bees. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, April 21, 2008

Monday Monday - Welcome My Friend !

Although this is Mundane Monday, I must admit that I welcome a slow and non-intrusive day and I can use the rest. I went to AREA 51 at Lakes Cafe on Friday evening and the joint was jumping when I arrived. My pal and karaoke show emcee, Gipsy, was going strong and there were a lot of participants in the karaoke show.

I met with my friends Emilio, Hector and Lourdes, Dr. Mark and Rosie and some of the other regulars, including owner Richard and his wife Sharon, all members of the normal Friday night crowd. My advisor for the evening was Mr. Dewars, a Scotsman of impeccable character and clarity and after the first cocktail, I mellowed right out and enjoyed the show.

I ended up singing "Georgia On My Mind" after encouragement by Mr. Dewars and we all had a nice time. I arrived home around 2:00, which by my latest standards, was a reasonable hour.

Danica Patrick Wins Indy Japan 300: Congratulations to Danica Patrick, who won the IndyCar race at Montegi, Japan Sunday, becoming the first woman to win in the history of the series. Patrick's win came in her 50th career start.

The Cats Ass Trophy: There were three nominees for the CAT Award last week, namely;

Alfred E. Neuman, actually nominated by Linda for the presidency, but by definition and default, a nominee for the CAT award. You might ask, how did I arrive at this theorem? Easy ! President = Bush = CAT Award nominee.

OPEC, nominated by Garnett, when oil prices reached $117 a barrel on Friday. OPEC cannot ever be a CAT Award nominee, because rule 112.6a in the CAT Award rules, state that any prospective nominee that can be nominated 24/7/365 is not  worthy  of  the Award.  It  is tantamount  to  nominating  feces  (caca, for the hard of understanding). Therefore, OPEC is disqualified.

The Men of the Texas Polygamist Sect, nominated by myself. The perverts who brainwash, mistreat and marry the women of their sect, a number of whom were under aged.

All things weighed and sorted, the winner of the CAT Award is the male members of the Texas Polygamist Sect. Good work guys ! The next time we thin the proverbial herd, you'll be on the list.

The Pictures: Can a kitten and a parakeet have a friendly relationship? Apparently so, and my pal, Anne sent me the pictures to prove it. Although the kitten may just be preping his future dinner, they seem to be pretty good buddies. These are one of those "awww" moments.

This Date In History: 1836; Shouting, "Remember the Alamo," General Sam Houston and his army of Texans defeat Mexican forces in the Battle of San Jacinto, winning independence for Texas. 1910; Mark Twain, author of the American classics "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer" and "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn," dies. 1918; Germany's World War I flying ace Manfred von Richthofen, the notorious Red Baron, is shot down behind enemy lines. 1960; Three years after construction of Brasilia began, the city replaces the crowded Rio de Janeiro as the capital of Brazil.

Birthdays: Friedrick Froebel, German educator and the originator of the kindergarten, founding the first school in Germany(1782), John Muir, naturalist, explorer and writer (1838), Elizabeth II, queen of Great Britain and Northern Ireland (1926), Iggy Pop, singer and songwriter (1947).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The

Three women, one engaged, one a mistress, and one married, are chatting about their relationships and decide to surprise their men. That night, all three will wear a S&M leather bodice, stilettos and masks over their eyes. A few days later they met again.

The engaged girlfriend said, "The other night, when my boyfriend came home, he found me in the leather bodice, four inch stilettos and the mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life' and then we made love all night long."

The mistress said, "It was fantastic, I wore the leather bodice, mega stilettos, the mask over my eyes and a robe. When I opened the robe, he didn't sat a word. We just had wild sex all night."

The married woman then said, "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. I put on the leather bodice, knee high stiletto boots and wore the dark mask over myeyes. My husband came home from work, grabbed a beer from the refrigerator and the remote control and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?' "

The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.

After about five minutes, the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front tiger turns angrily and says, "What is it with you? I said don't do that again!" The rear tiger says, "I'm really sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

That's it for today my little flapjacks. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, April 18, 2008

Here We Go Again..... Catch Me If You Can.....

I'm happy that it's Friday and I have every intention to mosey on over to AREA 51 this evening, but I gotta tell you, I'm running a bit low on fuel. Between Tuesday's impromptu dominoes games and last evening's adventures, my mind is rearing to go to Lakes Cafe and Pub, but my body doth protest.

I partied last evening with my sweet Nicole, her sister Kathy and Kathy's friend, Nury. Nicole, as always, was drop dead gorgeous. It had been a long time since I saw Kathy and it was a pleasure to see her again. Nury is a charming young lady and a lot of fun. I really had a good time with the ladies.


My tentative plans with the lovely Rocio were again postponed until next week, thus clearing the way for last evening's rendezvous. All in all, things worked out well, proving once again that my theory of Plan "A" and Alternate Plan "B", is a fine strategy and works quite well.

Speaking of tonight, my pal Gipsy is hosting the Karaoke show tonight at Lakes Cafe and Saturday night, as well. Aside from the fact that the beautiful Gipsy is an attraction all by herself, she's also a  talented singer and performer. I highly recommend stopping by tonight or tomorrow night and enjoy the show. Better yet, come on over and sing a song.

The Cat's Ass Trophy: There have been no nominations this week for the CAT Award, but I feel I  must nominate the men of the polygamist sect in Texas. There are several valid reasons for nominating them, the most important being the fact that they brainwash, marry and mistreat women ages 16 and under.

That fact notwithstanding, socially, I can absolutely guarantee you that these men must be masochistic for the simple reason that they would choose to marry more than one woman at a time. Anyone, male or female, knows that this is insane. Finally, I'm sure that they're social misfits by looking at pictures of these "lovelies" that they've chosen to marry and listening to these women speak, uh, does the word "lobotomy" ring a bell?

The Pictures: Characters, famous and infamous, young and old, bad and good.... some you know, some you remember and some you'd like to forget. It takes all kinds. 

This Date In History: 1775; Paul Revere begins his legendary midnight ride to Lexington and Concorde, Massachusetts, to warn patriots that British troops were approaching. 1906; A devastating earthquake and subsequent fires ravage San Francisco, California, destroying most of the city's downtown. 1949; Eire formally withdraws from the British Commonwealth and becomes the Republic of Ireland. 1982; Queen Elizabeth II signs the Constitution Act of 1867 as Canada's Constitution.

Birthdays: Lucrezia Borgia, patron of the arts (1480), George Henry Lewes, critic, philosopher and scientist (1817), Clarence Darrow, American lawyer, best known of his defense (1925) of John Scopes, a Tennessee high school teacher charged with teaching the theory of evolution. The play and movie, "Inherit the Wind", were based on this famous trial (1857).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: I don't know where he gets his material, but my pal, Garnett, has come through again with a story I'd like to call......

The Accountant And The Prostitute

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs
to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few
questions."He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and
then asks, “What’s your occupation?"

"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, " Let's try to
rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite
chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being
a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year"
 "Chicken Farmer it is!!"

That's it for today my little cotton balls. Have a great and safe weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !