Thursday, August 16, 2012

The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

Have you ever felt like the world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes? Do you sometimes feel like life is an expressway and you're a 1977 AMC Gremlin in the breakdown lane? Well, cheer up, my little snicker doodles, life could be worse....and it sometimes is.....

Take for example, the lines from the old Clint Eastwood movie, "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly." Life might not always be great, but good is a nice condition too, as we witness below:

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots. The sheriff says, "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?" Billy-Bob replies, "Well sheriff, it's a long story!" Sheriff says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story.

Billy-Bob continues, "Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did."

"Inside the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we did."

"Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and the Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots.

Then Mary-Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said, "Okay Billy-Bob, go to town....."

A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is.

The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment".

The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.

His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face. She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!".

That's it for now my little goldfish. More soon.

Stay Tuned !