Friday, November 15, 2013

A Convenient Coincidence

Did you know that Michelle Obama's classmate at Princeton is an executive of the Canadian company that built the disastrous "Obamacare" Website?

Her hyphenated name is Toni Townes-Whitley, Princeton class of ’85. She is a senior vice president at CGI Federal, which received the no-bid contract to create the $678 million-dollar "Obamacare" enrollment Website. CGI Federal is the U.S. office of the French-Canadian multinational company, Conseillers en Gestion et Informatique.

Townes-Whitley and her Princeton classmate Michelle Obama are both members of the Association of Black Princeton Alumni.

Toni Townes went to work for the government after graduating from Princeton. She was a policy analyst with the General Accounting Office after serving in the Peace Corps in Gabon, West Africa. After her marriage she took six years off to raise her children, and her decision to return to work was applauded by a Princeton alumni publication in 1998.

George Schindler, the president of the Canadian-based CGI Group, CGI Federal’s parent company, became an Obama 2012 campaign donor after his company received the "Obamacare" Website contract.

On the government end, construction of the disastrous "Obamacare" Website was overseen by the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS), a division of longtime failed website-builder Kathleen Sebelius’s Department of Health and Human Services.

So what's wrong with this picture?

1.) No American companies were considered.
2.) A Canadian company was hired.
3.) No Bid contract for 93 million dollars.
4.) Top executive at Website building firm went to school with Michelle Obama.
5.) CGI staff visited White House before "negotiating" with Health and Human Services Department.
6.) Previous experience included building gun registry for Canadian government.
7.) Fired by Canadian Government for overruns that cost Canada 100 million dollars.
8.) Overruns for "Obamacare" enrollment Website now costing U.S. taxpayers $678,000,000.00 ($678 Million dollars), and counting.

This is not over yet......

Laugh Lines: One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell on his twitchy little nose. The bunny said, "Oh please excuse me. I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

The snake replied, "That's perfectly all right. To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"The bunny said, "Well, I really don't know. I'm blind and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft and cuddly, long silky ears, a little fluffy tail and a twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit."

The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But, by the way, what kind of animal are you?" The snake replied that he didn't know either and the bunny agreed to examine him. When the bunny was finished the snake asked, "Well, what kind of animal am I?"

The bunny had felt the snake all over and replied, "You're cold, you're slippery and you have no balls............You must be a politician!"

Barack and Michelle are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Barack. At first, Obama stares at the guy, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent and shakes his head "no."

The agent then says, "Sir, it was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy." Obama hesitates, but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it! Barrack shrugs his shoulders and says, "Okay! If that is what the people want. Come here, Michelle."

With that, Barack grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Barry, you "F*cking idiot!".

The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up and down, cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving. Barack is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"

Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what is wrong. The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out The first pitch."

That's it for now. More soon !

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Lois Lerner Shamefully Retires

Facing a possible firing, Lois Lerner, the Internal Revenue Service official at the center of the agency’s tea party scandal, is retiring, the agency confirmed Monday. Taxpayers will remember her fondly as someone who, when asked for her help in uncovering potential IRS malfeasance against the president’s political enemies, clammed up and refused to cooperate for fear of incriminating herself.

Lerner headed the IRS division that handles applications for tax-exempt status when she was placed on paid leave in May. While she was in charge, the agency acknowledged that agents improperly targeted tea party groups for extra scrutiny when they applied for tax-exempt status from 2010 to 2012.

Lerner first disclosed the targeting at a law conference in May, when she was asked a planted question about IRS treatment of political groups. Less than two weeks later, she refused to answer questions at a congressional hearing, citing her constitutional right not to incriminate herself.She was placed on "administrative leave" four months ago to the day, with Chuck Grassley saying at the time he’d heard that the interim director of the IRS had asked for Lerner’s resignation — and that she refused.

Firing her was always an unlikely option, just because it’s hard to fire a federal employee under any circumstances, but I always assumed they placed her on leave initially with an eye to quietly reinstating her if/when the public storm over tea-party targeting finally blew over. (That’s what happened to the Benghazi Four. after all.)

Chances of that evaporated last week, though, when the ACLJ released previously unknown e-mails from Lerner during her IRS days, one of which mentioned the tea-party matter being “very dangerous” for fear that it could be used to extend the “Citizens United” ruling to tax-exempt orgs. Then came the release of IRS documents scrutinizing groups for “anti-Obama rhetoric,” and that was probably it.

Better for the agency to ease her out with some sort of retirement deal than keep her on and be dogged forever by questions about its impartiality. Politico, in fact, wondered last month if August would bring Lerner’s departure. Nope, evidently it took a few more black eyes for the IRS to make it happen.

Thankfully, she’ll no longer be in a position to affect policy as a government employee. Unfortunately, she’ll likely soon be back in a position to affect policy as a government lobbyist, making several times the salary she made before. Is this a great country, or what?

Laugh Lines: Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

A voice answered, "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" Father O'Malley said, "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Fadder O'Malley at St Brigid's. Dere's a jackass lyin dead on me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of da matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al.

After taking a look, Joe said, "He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man's ass and said, "Nope, that ain't George." Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing.

He brought in Al and showed him the body. Al said, "Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Al said, "Nope, that ain't George." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" All answered, "George had two assholes." The mortician, "What? How could he have two assholes?"

Al said, "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town, you'd hear people say, "Here comes George with those two assholes!"

That's it for now. More soon !

Stay Tuned !

Tuesday, September 3, 2013


Obama played golf on Saturday following his major announcement that he had decided the United States should take military action against the regime of Syrian President Bashar al-Assad for using chemical weapons on civilians during that country’s civil war.

Obama and Vice President Biden left for the course within minutes of his Rose Garden speech in which he asked Congress to first approve such action.

They played at nearby Fort Belvoir with regular Obama golfing partner Marvin Nicholson, the White House trip director, and with Nicholson’s brother, Walter Nicholson, rounding out the foursome.

Obama is an avid golfer and his outings have resulted in critics frequently saying throughout his presidency that the president is enjoying himself while too many Americans are out of work or suffering through another crisis.

Laugh Lines: A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock and it's half past three in the morning. He thinks, "I'm not getting out of bed at this time" and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. His wife says, "Aren't you going to answer that?"

So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. The stranger says, "Hi there. Can you give me a push?" The man responds, "No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed."

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "David, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

David says, "But the guy was drunk." His wife answers,  "It doesn't matter. He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" He hears a voice cry out "Yeah please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" The stranger replies, "I'm over here, on the porch swing."

A drunk in a bar throws up all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. He says, "Damn, I threw up on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me." The bartender says, "Don't worry. Put a twenty dollar bill in your pocket and tell her someone threw up on you on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill."

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who threw up on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. She asks, "Why are there two twenties?" The drunk replies, "Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too."

I've removed swimming with dolphins from my bucket list, mainly because I can't swim and drowning with dolphins doesn't have quite the same appeal.

That's it for now my little artichoke hearts. More Soon.

Stay Tuned!

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Warning: A Scam On Older Men

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A "heads up" for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco or Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: Two nice-looking girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "no" but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen August 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores. Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, etc.

So please, email this to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

Laugh Lines: An old man and his wife went to the doctor's office and the doctor asked the man for a blood, urine, and feces sample. The old man was slightly deaf and said, ''What?''

Again, the doctor said, ''I need a blood, urine and feces sample." The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear, ''Murray, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear!''

There was a little old lady standing at a corner. She had both hands holding her hat on while the wind blew her dress up around her waist.

A dignified southern gentleman came up and said, "Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around, being indecent, while both hands hold your hat."

She said, "Look mister, everything down there is seventy years old. This hat is brand new!"

That's it for now my little one-a-day vitamins. More soon.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, June 21, 2013

NYC Mayor Bloomberg Needs to Be Put In A Home

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s latest plan for the Big Apple is to require residents to separate food waste for collection to be composted by 2016, following a voluntary program at 150,000 single-family homes and 100 apartment buildings.

The diminutive, dimwitted mayor with an obvious Napoleon Complex is fresh off his fight to limit the size of soft drinks and introducing bike sharing. Bloomberg is taking aim at dinner plates, requiring New Yorkers to separate their food waste from their regular trash for composting.

Residents will be asked to save chicken bones, rotting fruit, and stale bread in special containers in their homes, which they’ll have to deposit in larger curbside bins that will be emptied weekly by sanitation trucks.

Building superintendents say they’ll face the extra burden of enforcing the city’s rules and keeping the buildings free of unwanted critters lured by the smell. With an average of eight rats (excluding politicians) per person in NYC, I imagine the city streets will have the look of a Golden Corral buffet for rats.

Bloomberg is in his last year as mayor and judging by his inane, stupid projects, his next move will be to a nursing home.

Laugh Lines: A lady walked into a jewelry store and bent over to look more closely at a piece of jewelry, inadvertently breaking wind. Embarrassed, she looked around to see if anyone had heard the "accident" and prayed that no salesman would come to attend her until the "fog had lifted".

Her worst fears were realized when a salesman came to assist her. Hoping that the salesman was not near at the time, she nervously asked, "Sir, exactly how much is this lovely bracelet?" The salesman responded, "Lady, if you farted when you looked at it, you're gonna shit when you hear the price."

A lady is golfing with some friends. After sinking her first putt, she's on her way down the path to the second tee when she gets stung by a bee. She rushes the short distance back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor.

She bumps into the resident golf pro, who says "What can I help you with?" The woman tells him she's been stung by a bee. The pro asks, "Oh really, where?" The lady replies, "Between the first and second hole." The golf pro says, "Your stance is probably too wide!"

That's it for now. More soon.

Stay Tuned !

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Home Depot Trips Through the Ages

You're in the middle of some kind of project around the house - planting a lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, whatever. You're hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you do one of the following:

In your 20's: You stop what you're doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's: You stop what you're doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister of someone you went to school with.

In your 40's: You stop what you're doing. Put on a sweatshirt that's long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel think she's hot.

In your 50's: You stop what you're doing. Put on a hat, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog shit in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait Shop and it says, "I Got Worms".

In your 60's: You stop what you're doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog shit off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you're not sure.

In your 70's: You stop what you're doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready too. You don't even notice the dog shit on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's: You stop what you're doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you're looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's and beyond: What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Who farted?

That's it for now my little tomato blossoms. More soon !

Stay tuned !