Monday, June 30, 2008

Monday - It's A Start !

Friday's field trip to AREA 51 was a lot of fun. I went to Lakes Cafe and Pub around 10:00 pm and they had a pretty good crowd. I always enjoy Friday's because I get to see my pals and, of course, the karaoke show.

One of the first people I ran into was my pal, Carol, who I ofttimes sing duets with. Lo and behold, she was looking for me because she had a photograph for me that was taken by someone in her party during one of our recent performances. Later that night we sang "You've Got A Friend" by James Taylor. The action started dying down around 1:00, so I headed over to The Billiards Club for a nightcap.


After a brief encounter with a lady friend, and chatting with my other pals, I was ready to hit the road. My pal, Emilio, suggested playing dominoes at his house (where I didn't win one game). One game led to another and, once again, I didn't need to use my headlights on the way home. Needless to say, Sunday was, and needed to be, a laid back day. 

The Cat's Ass Trophy gathered momentum over the weekend mainly  in favor of Linda's nomination Varsha Sabhani of New York who was recently sentenced to 11 years in prison for enslaving and abusing her two Indonesian housekeepers for years. There were additional comments seconding and generally in agreement with Linda's nominee. Sabhani's husband, although not present for much of the abuse, was also convicted, but his sentence is expected to lighter. Therefore, the CAT award goes to Varsha Sabhani. I hope this doesn't affect her job at AOL India nor her husband's job at the 7-11 convenience store.


I began "The Story of AREA 51" on Sunday only to realize that it will probably become a series of pages, if done in the style of writing that I prefer. Methinks that it would possibly be run each Sunday until my little mind finishes the story.

Although I'm probably going to write the entire story with the series of people (names withheld for various reasons), places and events that were involved (wittingly or not), I could quite possibly condense the story to one entry. I would be interested in your thoughts on this matter and you can let me know through your comments and/or email.

Did you you know how an "X" came to represent a kiss? Starting in the Middle Ages, people who could not read used an X as a signature. They would kiss this mark as a sign of sincerity. Eventually, the X came to represent the kiss itself. I, myself, always use an X to mark the spot. Kissing then becomes a question of the intended recipient and the location.

The Pictures: Motivational posters are geared to move you to a higher level, a personal nirvana. Then again, reality always has a way of setting you straight. Maybe these posters should have been read by some members of society.

This Date In History: 1859; French acrobat Charles Blondin, known as the Little Wonder, crosses Niagara Falls on a tightrope. 1886; Nineteen-year-old Arturo Toscanini makes an acclaimed conducting debut in Brazil as a substitute for the scheduled conductor of the opera, Aida. 1921; President Warren Harding names former president William Howard Taft as chief justice of the U.S. Supreme Court.

1936; Emperor Haile Selassie I of Ethiopia appeals in vain to the League of Nations to halt theItalian invasion of his country. 1936; Margaret Mitchell's novel, "Gone With The Wind," is published. An immediate bestseller, it becomes one of the most popular novels of the century.

Birthdays: Sir Stanley Spencer, painter (1891), Anthony Mann, film director (1906), Czeslaw Milosz, Polish poet, novelist and Nobel laureate (1911), Lena Horne, singer and actress (1917), Billy Mills, distance runner (1938).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

There was a papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Mama mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!"

Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."

Once there was an old man sitting on a bench in the park crying. A younger man walked up to him and asked "What's wrong?" The old man replied "I am married to a sexy 21 year old woman who gives sex the minute I get homefrom work and right after dinner."

The young man had a strange look on his face and asked"What's so bad about that? It sounds to me like you have a great sex life." The old man replied "I can't remember where I live!"

That's it for today my little hoarse whisperers. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, June 27, 2008

I Am A Candidate For President !

You may have learned through the media (or possibly email) that I have declared my candidacy for President of the United States. I can assure you that I will not represent the rich, the oil companies, fourth generation welfare recipients or Olympic swimmers and track and field athletes who have ran cross-country or swam the Rio Grande in search of a way to overburden our schools and hospitals.

No, my little tax payers, I will represent the middle class, hard working people who are overtaxed via the sin taxes of drinking and/or smoking. The workers who are paying federal taxes on gasoline so that they can drive to their AREA 51 sites each weekend for rest and recreation. These taxes are the sole support of all the freebies offered to the people. Naturally, the rich are tax exempt and the poor can't even spell 1040a

With that in mind, I leave this evening for a political rally in AREA 51 to allay the fears of the voting public and quite possibly, lay down my platform. Once I am elected, the White house will, in fact, remain a White House. It will not be the Retirement House nor The Crib. This has been an unpaid political announcement for the election of Jimmy for President, Possum S. Hemmingway, treasurer.

California Fires are nearing the scenic tourist town of Big Sur. Firefighters are fortifying their lines near populated areas but were letting the fire rage nearly unchecked through the forests. The blaze in the Los Padres National Forest is only about three percent contained and the massive redwoods are in peril. I've been there several times and it would be a disaster to lose these magnificent trees.

The Cat's Ass Trophy Award is still open for nominations this week and we have one nominee as of today. Linda has nominated Varsha Sabhani of New York who was recently sentenced to 11 years in prison for enslaving and abusing her two Indonesian housekeepers for years. This will undoubtedly have an adverse affect on the quantity of our AOL technicians.

I have faith, my little wicked ones, that you will dig up additional nominees from under a rock for this week's CAT award. Nominations are open until Monday at High Noon. After that, Tex Ritter will sing "Do Not Forsake me" (what?).

The Pictures: Shots of the Big Sur fire are among the pictures today. Ok, maybe there's a weird one in the mix.

This Date In History: 1787; In Lausanne, Switzerland, Edward Gibbon completes the sixth and final volume of his Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, one of the great works in the English language. 1844; American religious leader Joseph Smith and his brother Hyrum, imprisoned in Illinois for treason and conspiracy, are taken from jail and killed by a mob. 1950; After the UN Security Council votes to repel the invasion of South Korea by North Korea, President Harry Truman orders U.S. forces into battle for South Korea.

Birthdays: Charles Stewart Parnell, Irish nationalist (1846), Paul Laurence Dunbar, poet (1872), Helen Keller, author and lecturer (1880), Ross Perot, businessman and politician (1930), Isabelle Adjani, actress (1955).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Today's jokes are rated R, but you know you're going to read it anyway, so why in hell am I even typing this?

One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of Florida to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs.

Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?"  To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very cold!"

The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to getting here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the ladies commode, wait for a pretty young stewardess to come along, and when she sits down you climb right up in there where its nice and warm".

The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was. The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?"

The second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the ladies commode and this pretty stewardess came in and sat down, I climbed right up in there and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!

Newsflash: Today the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 PM last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going and going, "Pinkie" as he was known to his friends and family was alone at the time of his death.

An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and  coming...


That's it for today my little animal crackers. Have a safe and great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Thursday, June 26, 2008

There Has To Be A Morning After?

Due to my impromptu "nap" yesterday, I was late getting to everything else and didn't make it to AREA 51 until 11:00. It was then that I bothered to check my phone for messages and realized that my sweet Nicole had called at 3:00 pm, inviting me to go out. It was a little late to be calling her so I'll call her today and apologize (while I'm kicking myself in the ass for taking that nap).

Lakes Cafe was winding down by the time I arrived there and so I stayed long enough to down one Johnny Walker Black and I left. Since I had taken the time to dress for the evening, I took a run over to The Billiard Club. I ran into a few pals and ended up shooting a couple of games of pool. I got home around 3:00 this morning and hit the sack. I did manage to remember that I have a cell phone with a camera, so I took a picture of The Billiard Club for your dining and dancing pleasure (What? You heard me!).


The Story Of AREA 51: My pal, Rose, asked me the other day how my AREA 51 came to be and I realized that not all of you may know the story. I was going to give you a brief history of how it came to be, but after thinking about it, I decided that it would take an entire entry to explain it. So, I am working on a single entry of the story to be posted at a later date. I'll keep you abreast (no pun intended) as things progress.

A Russian spa resort in the town of Zheleznovodsk decided to pay tribute to one of it's most popular treatments -- the enema -- with an 800 pound bronze syringe bulb. I've never been to a "spa" before, but if I were to go, there are many "treatments" that I could conjure up in my twisted little mind and the word "enema" would definitely not be included in the description.

The Pictures: Browsing the headlines today I ran across these odd pictures, so I copied 'em. I try to explain them as you browse through them.

This Date In History: 1483; In a royal drama later told by Shakespeare, Richard, Duke of Gloucester, takes the crown of England as Richard III following the death of King Edward IV and the imprisonment of the young Edward V. 1870; In Atlantic City, New Jersey, the word's first oceanside boardwalk is completed. 1894; Railroad workers led by Eugene V. Debs begin a national strike in sympathy with employees at the Pullman railcar company. Later, troops sent by President Grover Cleveland put a violent end to the strike. 1925; The Gold Rush," Charlie Chaplin's epic comedy set in Alaska, opens. A critical and popular success, it is immediately acclaimed as a landmark in film history.

Birthdays: Pearl S, Buck, novelist (1892), Peter Lorre, actor (1904), BabeDidrikson Zaharius, Olympic track and fiels gold medalist and professional golfer (1913), Greg LeMond, Olympic cycling gold medalist (1961).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object only to find an old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have any water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? It's only five dollars?" The Taliban shouted, "Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

The Jewish man said, "Okay, it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you dislike me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east about two miles you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later, he staggered back, almost dead and said, "Here's five dollars. Your brother won't let me in without a tie."

The American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better. Just thought you'd like to know.


That's it for today my little chicken pluckers. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Better Late Than Mediocre Much Later !

I've never rode a camel.....smoked one, but never rode one. My familiarity with humps depend on the context of the question. These two facts notwithstanding, I am prepared to ride an imaginary one humped or two humped camel into the beckoning oasis of AREA 51 on Hump Day at a location yet to be determined. If the preceding sentences confuse you, just imagine what's going on inside the mind of the author.

Happy Hump Day my little dromedaries! It is that time of the week and it's time to "hit it." Mon and Tue are no longer necessary to use as prefixes this week as we're at the proverbial acme of the workweek and zeroing in on Friday.

I've intended to go to the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino since last week but I've been able to talk myself out of it. The main reason is because the last time I went there, the weekend started off on a Friday at a restaurant and lounge called Capriccio's. The bar there is great, the performer's been there for a while and I'm sometimes invited to sing.

Well, I sang, and I drank, and I danced, and later, I ended up at the Casino. I'm relatively sure I had a great time and judging by my wallet the next day, I did ok in the casino. The only minor problem is that there are certain ambiguous parts of the evening and the partial phone number of a woman whose name ends in ....dy

The Pictures: Today's post is late because the author took a "short nap" at 1:00 p.m. and just woke up. Thankfully, most of today's entry was finished before the "nap". Celebrity endorsements are today's theme. Someone let me know if I've ran these before as my brain's still foggy. Ah yes, it's Hump Day.

This Date In History: 1876; A force of Sioux and Northern Cheyenne led by Crazy Horse and Sitting Bull wipes out about 260 U.S. calvary led by General George Armstrong Custer in the Battle of the Little Big Horn. 1906; On the roof of New York City's old Madison Square Garden, a building he designed, leading American architect Stanford White is shot and killed by the jealous husband of beautiful showgirl Evelyn Nesbit. 1950; The Korean War begins with the crossing of the 38th parallel by North Korean troops. 1973; Former White House counsel John Dean begins his televised testimony before the Senate Watergate committee. His account, corroborated by secret White House tapes, will lead to President Nixon's resignation.

Birthdays: Lord Mountbatten, naval leader and viceroy of India (1900), George Orwell, pseudonym of Eric Arthur Blair, British novelist and essayist (1903), Aime Cesaire, poet and political leader (1913).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

That's it for today my little party hats. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

We've Got A Winner !

I would like to thank everyone who helped and voted for my entry in Magic Smoke's "What's The Caption" contest last week. There were many good entries and it was very close. I'm pleased to say that my entry won, but the real winners are you, the people who read this journal. To all of those of you who I bribed, you should be receiving your payments in the mail. To all of my family members, who I had to pay dearly for voting for me, your just rewards will also be coming soon, but not in the mail. To the mailman that I bribed, alternate Plan B is now in effect. Thanks again for your help.


I know soap operas are captivating, but a woman in Croatia, who had been missing since 1966, was found dead, sitting in her armchair in front of her black and white TV. Hedvika Golik was reported missing 42 years ago and neighbors say they thought she had moved away.

You would think it might have dawned on someone in the family to ask, "Have you seen mom?" Call me silly, but I would think right around the time the grass got waist high, somebody would have picked up a clue. I wonder if "All My Children" played over there?

From The I Love It Department: The Malibu beach where Mathew McConaughey surfs was the scene of brawl between the locals and the paparazzi scum who prey upon anything filmable regardless of safety. The locals jumped the paparazzi and proceeded to inflict physical harm and ruin their camera equipment. Nothing could please me more. Maybe if more people opened a can of Whoop-Ass on the jerks, they'd quit harassing people. Authors Note: There's a brief commercial before this videos plays.

                      Surfer Turf War: Click to watch

The Pictures: You've seen their good side, you know, the air-brushed pictures, their doctored press releases and the like. Now see their dark side, the unknown hidden secrets of animated characters. Warning: Not meant to be viewed by children over 75, wandering Jews, old-timers patients and people who have had a humor bypass.

This Date In History: 1314; In the Battle of Bannockburn, the decisive victory for Scottish independence. forces led by Robert Bruce, king of Scotland, defeat the troops of English king Edward II. 1901; Painter Pablo Picasso has his first exhibit in Paris at the age of 19. 1947; An American pilot reports seeing objects he describes as "saucers" flying near Mount Rainier in Washington, leading to the popular term "flying saucers." 1964; The Federal Trade Commission requires that a message be placed on all cigarette packages that warns consumers that cigarette smoking is dangerous to their health.

Birthdays: E. I. Du Pont de Nemours, French industrialist (1771), Jack Dempsey, professional boxer known as the Manessa Mauler for his Colorado hometown and aggressive style (1895).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My pal, Victor, was kind enough to provide today's jokes. 

The Lone Ranger is captured by Indians and the Chief says, "So you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be killed in three days. But first, I will give you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The chief nods and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's teepee and spends the night.

The next morning, the Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and once again he whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters Lone Ranger's teepee and also spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed and says, "You are a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?" I'd like to speak to my horse.... alone." The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's teepee.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and yells, "Listen carefully, you dumb ass! For the last time...... Bring Posseeeee !

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him and said, " Hi, my name's Carmen." The man said, "That's a beautiful name. Is it a family name?"

The woman said, "No, I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most, cars and men. What's your name?"

The man replied, "B. J. Titsengolf."

That's it for today my little tater tauts. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, June 23, 2008

Mondays Make Me Stutter !

Friday night's foray into AREA 51 began at my friend Emilio's house, where I stopped in for a cocktail. We were joined shortly thereafter by his daughter and her boyfriend and the four of us went to Lakes Cafe and Pub for the karaoke show. Arriving around 11:00, the place was full and going strong. Karaoke was hopping and I had a few requests, but I told them I was going to sing anyway. I went onstage a little later and sang "Georgia On My Mind." We had some cocktails and some snacks and left about 1:00 am.

We went to The Billiards Club next and I ran into several of my lady friends and pals who had arrived minutes earlier. It's always fun to see everyone and by that time of the evening, most were in rare form. Everyone wanted to shoot a few games of pool, so we got a table in the V.I.P. section, ordered some more food and enjoyed several games.

When we returned to Emilio's house, someone (I think it was me) suggested playing a few games of dominoes. I'm not real sure what time I got home, but suffice to say the newspaper had already been delivered and I didn't need to use my headlights on the way home.

Maybe I'll get a newspaper route for Saturday mornings because I get home after Friday nights around that time. On second thought, my drinking partner, Johnny Walker Black, would probably get all the addresses mixed up.

Macrida Patterson, a 52 year old California woman, is suing Victoria's Secret charging that she hit in the eye by a decorative metallic object that flew off a thong she was trying on. She claims her cornea was severely damaged causing her to miss several days at work.

Let me first say that any woman named Macrida shouldn't be wearing a thong. Secondly, at age 52, if you have not mastered the art of putting on your panties, you shouldn't be allowed to purchase same. Thirdly, and this personally selfish, I hope she wins her suit. If she wins, I will file suit immediately because I have suffered facial injuries caused by thongs as well.

George Carlin died of heart failure Sunday after complaining of chest pains. The 71 year old comedian was hospitalized in Santa Monica, California in the afternoon and died later that evening.

I first saw George Carlin on Rowan and Martin's Laugh in" where he played the "hippy dippy weatherman." I always enjoyed his humor and will miss him. Rest In Peace, George.

Scott Kalitta, NHRA drag racing champion, was killed Saturday at Old Bridge Township Raceway Park in Englishtown, New Jersey, when his funny car burst into flames and crashed during qualifying trials. Kalitta was traveling at nearly 300 miles per hour when the flaming car crashed. The son of drag racer Connie Kalitta and brother of drag racer Doug Kalitta, Scott had recently returned to drag racing after taking time off to spend with his family. Rest In Peace, Scott.

The Cat's Ass Trophy had two late nominees on Friday, thereby keeping my faith alive in the old adage, "there's always someone somewhere.".

Garnett nominated Young Jeezy, a rapper who was arrested on June 18 and charged with DUI, speeding, reckless driving, no tags, driving with an open container and no proof of insurance.

Jackie nominated her Adobe Flash Player and/or her computer for continuing to malfunction causing her pain, suffering, cramps, insomnia, mild swelling of the ankles, itching, overdrawn checks, unbearable grief, inflammation of her fingernails and an eerie desire to plant eggplants and okra.

The judges have ruled as follows: Young Jeezy is disqualified by CAT Award rule 69a, section N, paragraph 3 which expressly states that all mediocre rappers, who by definition would qualify for the CAT Award on a daily basis, cannot win said award for the mere reason of redundancy.

Therefore, thereby, nearby, thence, hereto and hereafter, the CAT Award goes jointly and severally to Jackie's Adobe Flash Player and her stupid computer. The judges also rule that Jackie, at her option, may shoot and kill both without any fear of prosecution, persecution or percussion.

The Pictures: AOL seems to dislike my choice of pictures today because they won't upload or Jackie's computer got wind of the CAT Award and is taking out it's revenge. Either way, todays pic's are pending.

This Date In History: 1611; The mutinous crew of English explorer Henry Hudson, after a harsh winter with their ship frozen in Hudson Bay, puts Hudson and eight others adrift in a small boat. They are never seen again. No calls, no emails, no postcards....nothing! 1845; The Congress of the Republic of Texas agree to join the United States, following the wishes of the republic's leading figure, Sam Houston. 1917; After Boston's pitcher Babe Ruth is ejected for arguing the walk given to the games first hitter, reliever Ernie Shore retires 27 straight men (actually 26 because the first base player was gay) and is credited with a perfect game.

Birthdays: Alfred Kinsey, sex researcher (1894), Bob Fosse, choreographer and director (1927), Wilma Rudolph, American track and field and the first American woman to win three track and field gold medals in a single Olympic Games (1940).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A couple of drinking buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hangar at Logan Airport. It's fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?" The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and that it will kinda give you a buzz."

So they drink it, get smashed and have a great time like only drinking buddies can do. The following morning, one of them gets up and is surprised he feels good, in fact, he feels great - no hangover! The phone rings, it's his buddy.

The first buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?" His friend says, "I feel great!!"The first buddy says, "I feel great too!! You don't have a hangover?" His friend says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - we ought to do this more often."

The first buddy says, "Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing....." His friend asks, "What's that?" The first buddy says, "Have you farted yet?" His friend says, "No, why" The first buddy says, "Well, don't because I'm in Phoenix!"

Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound.

Miss Annabelle says, "You just wouldn't believe what they have in New York City. They have men there who kiss other men on the lips. They're called homosexuals" Her friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my!"

Miss Annabelle continues, "They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips. They're called lesbians." The girls gasped.

Then Miss Annabell says, "And there are men in New York City who kiss women between the legs. The girls lean forward on the edge of their chairs and exclaim in unison, "What do they call them?" Miss Annabell says, "Once I caught my breath, I called him Precious."

That's it for today my little kiddy kats. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, June 20, 2008

If At First You Don't Succeed, Leave Earlier !

Once again the evening beckons and I am planning to venture into socialworld tonight and spend some time with my pals in AREA 51 at a location to be determined. Perhaps the actual wording should be that I'm determined to find a location. Semantics aside, my tentative plan is to head out (to somewhere) early and let the potential rain, wind and lightning trap me at the bar and not in my home.

Proctology As A Career?: As I finish making today's entry, I am simultaneously watching Seinfeld. It's the episode where Kramer is mistakenly given an auto tag belonging to a proctologist. As I watched the episode, it suddenly dawned on me that someone consciously made an early decision in life to become a physician, specializing in proctology.


Call me silly, but if I were in college studying to be a doctor, somehow I don't believe the study of proctology would be my first choice. There's just something about that part of the anatomy that I really don't care to know about.

The Cat's Ass Trophy has had no nominees as of yet, but I'm relatively sure that in our ever growing world, someone's going to crawl from underneath a rock and do something stupid before Monday at noon. That's the cut off date for this week's CAT Award my little nominators, so keep your eyes and ears open and nominate someone.

The Pictures: Landscapes are the order of the day and if by chance you see some of your pictures in the mix it's because I "borrowed" them. If, for some inane reason I remember that's it's yours, I'll mention your name. If not, be kind and remember that you, too, will begin losing your mind sooner or later.

In the interim, I'll give due credit to the following journalists because I'm sure I've borrowed a few things from your journals. Kudos to: Nancy, Beth, Pamela, Garnett, Gary, Jackie, Anne, Missie, Julie, Jude, Indigo, Sherry, Robin, Linda, Andy, Myra, Kelly, Pat, Rose, Meg and Michelle. Phew ! I should have put them in alphabetical order, but it's too late now.

Authors Note: View these pictures larger, you'll be pleasantly surprised.

This Date In History: 1597; On his third voyage in search of a northwest passage from Europe to Asia, William Barents, the Dutch navigator after whom the Barents Sea was named, dies after spending a winter frozen in the Arctic Ocean. 1837; Following the death of her uncle, William IV, Queen Victoria takes the British throne at age 18, beginning a reign of 63 years, the longest in British history. 1863; Led by Union loyalists unhappy with Virginia's secession from the United States in 1861, the mountainous western state of Virginia forms its own government and becomes West Virginia, the 35th state.

1893; After a sensational murder trial, Lizzie Borden is acquitted of the axe murders of her father and stepmother in Fall River, Massachusetts. 1910; After spending much of her teen years performing in burlesque and vaudeville, Fanny Brice first appears in Florenz Ziegfield's "Follies of 1910", the show that makes her famous. 1948; "Toast of the Town," a variety show hosted by Ed Sullivan, debuts on CBS. Later known as "The Ed Sullivan Show," it runs until 1971 as one of the most popular programs in American television history.

Birthdays: Lillian Helman, playwright (1905), Errol Flynn, actor (1909), Audie Murphy, war hero and actor (1924), Brian Wilson, Beach Boys songwriter and producer (1942).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stable, when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. "Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that." "It's quite understandable," said the Archbishop, and after a moment, added, "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."

After examining the man's wife, the doctor told her husband, "Your wife either has Alzheimer's or AIDS." Her husband replied, "How can we find out which?" The doctor said, "I need you to run a little experiment this weekend. Take your wife to a park and leave her there. If she finds her way home, don't have sex with her."


That's it for today my little onion wrings. Have a great and safe weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Thursday, June 19, 2008

It Was A Dark And Stormy Night......

Someone needs to tell the powers that be that rainy nights are meant to start later in the evening. It started drizzling last evening just about the time that I got out of the shower. Unswayed by the winds, rain and lightning, I continued to dress because I, much like the heralded postman, have my own mission and neither rum, nor schnapps, nor Schlitz, nor something will prevent this courageous courier from the (somewhat) swift completion of his appointed rounds.

Actually, lightning has a way of closing my sphincter muscle to the point that it actually causes aging. I can handle the rains and winds, but lightning ofttimes forces me to yell out that old warning, "women, children and journalists first."

With those thoughts in mind, I am proud to tell you that I went out my front door, opened my umbrella and a bolt of lightning hit within fifty yards of my proximity. Like the mighty warrior that I am, I turned and ran back into the house, screaming like a campfire girl. Nay, my little lightning rods, mama didn't raise no fool. I surrendered the evening to the elements and was forced to sit at home alone. Thankfully, my friend Johnny Walker was there to console me. 

ABC News issued orders yesterday forbidding reporters to wear lapel pin American flags or other patriotic insignia. Their reasoning was that ABC should remain neutral about "causes."

Patriotism is a "cause?" I hope so! In a time that you have to refer to illegal aliens as illegal immigrants and you don't know whether to order black coffee or african-american coffee lest you "offend" someone, now they don't want you to wear an American flag lapel pin?

It seems that the only ones that can stand up and make noise are the ones who are normally causing all the trouble. It's time to tell the politically correct crowd to kiss my white American ass!

Author's Note: The report mentioned in the preceding paragraphs have been checked out and verified at

The Pictures: Lately my little animal buddies have been seen only in their elements, so I sent them emails and asked them if they would dress up a little for a photo shoot. They agreed and here are a few of the better dressed as judged by my cat, Shithead. 

This Date In History: 1846; The New York Knickerbocker Base Ball Team, organized by Alexander Cartwright, meet the New York Nine in Hoboken, N.J., in the first baseball game played under Cartwright's rules. 1953; Americans Julius and Ethel Rosenberg, convicted of passing nuclear weapons information to the Soviet Union, are executed. 1984; The Chicago Bulls pick Michael Jordan of the University of North Carolina in the NBA draft.

Birthdays: James I, of England, English and Scottish king (1566), Lou Gehrig, professional baseball player (1903), Abe Fortas, Supreme Court justice (1910), Salman Rushdie, novelist (1947).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The following video was provided to me by my friends as an instructional tool for tequila drinkers. It is also the reason I quit drinking tequila.


Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.

The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France."

The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.

She asked if there was something she could help  the gentleman with. The man said "this is embarrassing  for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.

That's it for today my little sunflower cedes. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Tonight's A Good Night To Paint The Town !

Woo Hoo! It's Humpday and I feel like that "it's bacon" dog! Since I was a good boy Monday and Tuesday, they're releasing me from the home on a 24 hour pass. Little do they know that it doesn't take me that long. On second thought, maybe I'll keep that little tidbit to myself.

Speaking of tidbits and that "bacon" dog, perhaps a graphic might give you an example of how I sometimes react when Humpday comes. While I do not attach myself to women's legs (even though it's Humpday), I can sit up, speak and play fetch. Although I don't roll-over, it has been suggested that I make an occasional effort.


Nevertheless, I'll be going somewhere in AREA 51 tonight, the time and place is uncertain, but that's never stopped me before. As long as I don't look like I'm wandering the streets, the caretakers in the home will never suspect anything.

The Pictures: Strange relationships are the norm in California but not usually in the animal world. Well, my little pinecones, I've found a few that are a little strange but cute as well.

This Date In History: 1155; Frederick I, after consolidating his power in Germany and Italy, is crowned Holy Roman emperor by Pope Adrian IV in Rome. 1812; Aroused by the impressment of American sailors into the British navy and eager to expand the country's western possessions, the U.S. Congress declares war against Britain to begin the War of 1812. 1815; British, Russian and Dutch troops lead by the Duke of Wellington and Gebhard Leberecht von Blucher give French emperor and general Napoleon his final defeat at the Battle of Waterloo.

1940; British prime minister Winston Churchill, speaking to the House of Commons before the Battle of Britain, says British resistance in the battle will be remembered as "their finest hour." 1983; Sally Ride becomes the first American woman in space, aboard the space shuttle Challenger.

Birthdays: Sammy Cahn, songwriter (1913), Jerome Karle, American biophysicist and Nobel Prize (1918), winner Lou Brock, professional baseball player (1939), Paul McCartney, English rock singer and songwriter (1942).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. "Where to?" he stammered. "Union Station," answered the woman. "You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?" The driver replies, "Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare." The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?" Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen."

That's it for today my little lemon aides. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !