Sunday, May 30, 2010

Franchitti Wins Indianapolis 500 - Video: Mike Conway Crash - Car Cut In Half On The Final Lap.

Happy Memorial Day to everyone. Today is a day to remember the men and women of our armed forces, both past and present.

Dario Franchitti drove 199 nearly flawless laps, then survived the last one with a huge break from a spectacular crash to climb back on top of the open-wheel world Sunday with his second win at the Indianapolis 500.

Two years removed from his failed try in NASCAR, Franchitti held on with a scant tenth of a gallon of fuel left in the tank -- a victory made possible by a crash that sent Mike Conway airborne on the final lap. "Still running," Franchitti told his crew over the radio as he crossed the finish line, while wreckers were moving out to scoop up debris from Conway's accident with Ryan Hunter-Reay.

Franchitti's second Brickyard victory in four years helped his boss, Chip Ganassi, become the first owner to win Indy and NASCAR's Daytona 500 in the same year. It also validated the Scottish driver's return to the IndyCar circuit two years after celebrating his 2007 Indy victory by making an unsuccessful move to NASCAR. England's Dan Wheldon, the 2005 winner who closed furiously as Franchitti slowed to save fuel before Conway's crash, was second, and fellow Brit Alex Lloyd was third.

Pole-sitter Helio Castroneves saw his quest for his record-tying fourth Indy victory come to an end with an uncharacteristic mistake -- stalling out leaving the pits on the 146th lap. It left him in need of a yellow-flag miracle at the end that never came. He had to pit again on the 193rd lap and finished ninth.

That was four spots behind Danica Patrick, who picked and poked her way from 23rd to finish fifth despite a balky car that she complained about in qualifying. Patrick never found her comfort zone over 500 miles in 88-degree weather - at one point saying she wished she could make up as much time on the track as in the pits - but she was patient and disciplined and now has three top-five finishes in six years.

Laugh Lines: An Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face and says "Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"? His mother said, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm." Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower"? She replied, "Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she replied.

He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"? His mom said, "We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived." The mother paused and said to her son, "Tell me, Two Dogs Humping," why are you so curious?"

In Louisiana, Boudreaux was out in the field talking with his friend, Thibodeaux. Thibodeaux said, "Boudreaux, you see dat ole barn out dere? Well man, its completely infestered wit rats. I tried everything I know an can't get rid of dem." Boudreaux said, "Thibodeaux, I know xactly how to get rid of dem rats. You gotta get you one of dem bull constriptors."

Thibodeaux said, "Whats a bull constriptor?" Boudreaux explains, "Man, dats one of dem big ole snakes and he loves to eat rats and swallers dem whole, all at once."

The next day, Thibodeaux went down to Kliberts reptile farm and bought him the biggest Boa Constrictors they had. He brought the snake to the barn and let him loose. Thibodeaux watched for a long time and the big snake just curled up and slept all day. He didn't even move and the rats just ran everywhere.

So Thibodeaux got frustrated and he called up Boudreaux on the phone, "Boudreaux, man dats some bad advice bout dat snake. Dem rats is still runnin' al around and dat snake jus lays dere sleepin' all day long." Boudreaux says, "Man, Thibodeaux, I know just what to do. Give dat snake some Viagra." Thibodeaux said, "What? Viagra? What's dat gonna do?" Boudreaux said,"I was just listening to da radio and de man say dat Viagra is da best ting to use for a reptile dysfunction."

That's it for now. More soon.

Stay Tuned !

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

I'm Moving My Family To Mexico

Dear President Obama:

I'm planning to move my family and extended family to Mexico for my health, and I would like to ask you to assist me. We're planning to simply walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and we'll need your help to make a few arrangements.

We plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Calderon, that I'm on my way over

Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:

1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.
3. Please print all Mexican Government forms in English.
4. I want my grandkids to be taught Spanish by English-speaking (bi-lingual teachers).
5. Tell their schools they need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. I want my grandkids to see the American flag on one of the flag poles at their school.
7. Please plan to feed my grandkids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
9. I do plan to get a car and drive in Mexico, but I don't plan to purchase car insurance, and I probably won't make any special effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from their president to leave me alone, please be sure that every patrol car has at least one English-speaking officer.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my housetop, put U.S. flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes or have any labor or tax laws enforced on any business I may start.
13. Please have the president tell all the Mexican people to be extremely nice and never say critical things about me or my family, or about the strain we might place on their economy.
14. I want to receive free food stamps.
15. Naturally, I'll expect free rent subsidies.
16. I'll need income tax credits so that, although I don't pay Mexican taxes, I'll receive money from the government.
17. Please arrange it so that the Mexican Government pays $4,500 to help me buy a new car.
18. Oh yes, I almost forgot, please enroll me free into the Mexican Social Security program so that I'll get a monthly income in retirement.

I know this is an easy request because the U.S. already does all these things for all his people who walk over to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that President Calderon won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.

Thank you so much for your kind help.


Laugh Lines: A lady walked into a jewelry store and bent over to look more closely at a piece of jewelry, inadvertantly breaking wind. Embarrassed, she looked around to see if anyone had heard the "accident" and prayed that no salesman would come to attend her until the "fog had lifted".

Her worst fears were realized when a salesman came to assist her. Hoping that the salesman was not near at the time, she nervously asked, "Sir, exactly how much is this lovely bracelet?"

The salesman responded, "Lady, if you farted when you looked at it, you're gonna shit when you hear the price."

Two statues were in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other in the park for over 100 years. One day, an angel came down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brought them both to life.

The angel said, "For being so patient over 100 years of blazing summers and brutal winters, I will give you one hour of life to do what you wished the most." He looked at her and she looked at him and together, they ran off behind the shrubbery. The angel waited patiently as the bushes rustled and giggling ensued, and after thirty minutes they both emerged from behind the shrubbery.

The angel said, "Um, you still have thirty minutes left. Would you like to do it again?" He looked at her and said, "Shall we?" She eagerly replied, Oh yes ! Lets ! This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on his head."

That's if for now. More soon.

Stay Tuned !