Friday, August 31, 2007

My Get Up And Go Has Got Up And Went !

The thing about partying is that if you want to dance, you have to pay the band. Tonight will be my fourth partying night in a row and the band is getting expensive. Last night we celebrated Hector's %#th birthday in AREA 51 at Lakes Cafe and Pub. Lourdes, Hector's wife, had a table prepared with grouper fillets, pasta, chicken wings and other assorted goodies and everyone chowed down. All of Hector's family, inlaws and outlaws, were there along with AREA 51 regulars Al and Lydia, Marc and Rosie, My little pal Danny, Guillermo, and the lovely Barbie.

Barbie had called me earlier in the day to go fishing, but I knew the seas would be up and I don't do well in rough weather. She went anyway, along with Guillermo, and they caught a lot of fish. How she went fishing and got back to bathe, get dressed and come to the party is beyond me, but she pulled it off.

But, I digress (all the time. Shut up!). I'm attempting to get up and go again tonight, but I'm really beat. I keep thinking I'm still a kid until I see the old guy in the mirror. To top that off, last night my battery (my car battery !) died again. I just bought one three months ago and it died. So, I had to get up early, call in a favor from my pal, Bob, go get my stupid car, then go and get another battery. I'm more relaxed now, so I'm leaning towards getting dressed and hitting it again. Stay Tuned !

I would be remiss in not remembering Princess Diana on this anniversary of her senseless death it 1997. I'm an emotional person and her death was really a sad day for me. I watched (and taped) all of the services and memorials for her. It reminded me of the same feeling I had when John F. Kennedy was assassinated. It's that feeling you get in your stomach that takes days to overcome.

Moreover, the anger and hatred that I have for the bottom dwelling swine that constantly harrass people trying to get photographs and sell them, gnaws at my insides. It's a damned good thing I'm not famous, because with my temper, my brothers, Smith, Wesson and I would find a method of disposing of these scumbags. Well, I've raved and ranted, so let's get on with the program.

The Pictures: Today's pictures are a modest tribute to Princess Diana along with a few of my favorite pastoral scenes. I hope you enjoy them.

This Date In History1877; American inventor, Thomas Edison, receives a U.S. patent for his motion-picture camera known as the kinetoscope. 1977; Princess Diana of England dies along with her companion, Dodi Fayed, when their car crashes in Paris while evading the paparazzi.

Birthdays: Frank Robinson, baseball player and manager (1935),Van Morrison, Northern Irish singer and songwriter (1945).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The Difference Between Fishing and Women.

Fish don't compare you to other fisherman and don't want to know about how many other fish you caught. When you go fishing and catch something, that's good ! When you make love and catch someting, that's bad ! You can catch and release a fish and you don't have to lie to it and tell it that you'll still be friends after you let it go. In fishing, you lie about the one that got away. I loving, you lie about the one you caught. You don't necessarily have to change your line to keep catching fish. Fish don't mind you falling asleep in the middle of fishing.

That's it for today, my little junebugs. Have a great and safe Labor Day weekend. I'm quite sure that this Monday will not be referred to as mundane. I'll have more on Monday (or Tuesday, if my bait is still working).

Stay Tuned ! 

Thursday, August 30, 2007

On The Road Again !

Well, it seems that this week is turning into party week, so I'm off to Lakes Cafe and Pub again tonight to celebrate my pal Hector's birthday. A certifiable member of AREA 51, Hector is turning 39 again today. I spent Tuesday evening at Lakes Cafe with my sweet Nicole, Wednesday was the regular services and tomorrow is TGIF therapy, so I imagine that this puppy's gonna be pretty run down come Saturday !

Last night, the aliens of AREA 51 arrive' en masse at our watering hole and it was a fun, but goofy evening. Danny is almost finished redoing the bar and it looks great. The new bar stools are nice but they're wood. With my skinny arse, I find myself constantly shifting positions. After the second dose of medication, however, the stools are much more comfortable. Hector and Lourdes, Emilio, Mario and the sexy Barbie were the among the group. It was nice to see Richard, danny and my pal Charlie there too. We'll be meeting again later.

The Pictures: Some of the world wonders, including Machu Pichu in Peru, the great pyramids of Egypt, The Taj Majal in India, The Greek Colosseum and few others. I've also included a picture of Hector, Raul and Jorge (R-L).

This Date In History: 30 b.c.; Under the threat of being taken prisoner by Roman emperor Octavian, Cleopatra, the queen of Egypt poisons herself. Doesn't that just burn your asp? 1991; After leaving NBC for CBS, commedian David Letterman debuts his new show "Late Night with David Letterman".

Birthdays: My pal Hector (19XX), Mary Shelley, author of Frankenstein (1794), Huey Long, politician (1893), Ted Williams, baseball player (1918), Jean-Claude Killy, skier (1943).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Redneck Jokes and the Parrot (Thanks, Lourdes).

A Mississippi man died and left his entire estate to his widow. The problem is that she can't touch it until she is 14. A Louisiana man was in a motel and called the front desk saying, "I gotta leak in my sink." The desk clerk replied, "Go ahead." It was recently established by federal law that if a married couple in Kentucky moves to California and then divorces, they are still legally cousins. The governor's mansion in Arkansas recently burned down, destroying the entire library of books and the governor wasn't finished coloring them.

A woman went to the pet store and saw that the price of the parrot was only $25. She asked the clerk why the price was so low. He responded that the parrot had lived in a house of prostitution and the madam had taught him some vulgar words.The woman thought about it a little, but decided to take the parrot anyway.

When she got home, she put the parrot in his new cage and the parrot looked around the house, then looked at her and said, "New whore house, new madam." The woman thought,"That's not so bad."

Later, her two daughters came home and when the parrot saw them he said, "New whore house, new madam, new girls." The woman and her daughters were offended at first, but then laughed considering how the parrot was raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Wayne, came home. When he entered the house, the bird looked at him and said, "Hi Wayne."

That's it for today, my little wonders. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

August 29, 2005 - Hurricane Katrina Destroys Louisiana and Mississippi !

August 29, 2005, Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans, Louisiana, Mississippi and nearby states, killing 1600 people, devastating and flooding everything in her path. Having been through Hurricane Andrew myself, I can tell you that pictures and video can't come close to describing the chaos and turmoil that comes not only with the storm itself, but the feeling of isolation and despair that accompanies a hurricane.

The catastrophic storm battered the Gulf Coast in the early hours and the levees that keep New Orleans dry, gave way, floooding eighty percent of the city. The ensuing pandemonium and chaos, combined with nearly non-existent local, state or federal help, created a scenario that even Hollywood film makers couldn't imagine or produce.

New Orleans itself, a city that is mostly below sea level, didn't stand a chance. Engineers and flood experts had predicted for years that a catastrophe like this would happen because of the poor condition of the levees. The constant new construction in an area that was rife with faults and failing infrastructure spelled doom for the residents. If the levees are not repaired and shored up in this city before the next hurricane hits, you will see death and devastation beyond your wildest inagination.

It's Hump Day, the oasis of the work week, and generally an excuse to slip over to Lakes Cafe and Pub to socialize with the inhabitants of AREA 51. Tonight's the dart league, so everyone who's not in the league will be donning protective glasses and flak vests as a precaution. It could be worse because back in the day, they used steel tipped darts. Somehow, Steel tipped darts and cocktails, doesn't seem to be a good idea, but that's just me. Danny finished the new bar and the new bar stools came in so the place is getting nicer by the day. Hope to see you all there tonight !  

The Pictures: The destruction of the City of New Orleans and the devastation. chaos and looting that ensued.

This Date In History: 1831; Michael Faraday discovers electromagnetic conduction, the principal of the electric generator. 1842; China cedes Hong Kong to Britain. 1966; The Beatles play their final concert at Candlestick Park in San Francisco, California. 2005; Hurricane Katrina devastates Louisiana, Mississippi and surrounding states, killing 1600 people.

Birthdays: Ingrid Bergman, memorable actress and co-star with Humphrey Bogart in the film, Casablanca (1915), Charlie Parker, jazz saxophonist (1920), John McCain, Vietnam War veteran and politician (1936), Michael Jackson, child molestor (1958).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a man with a loud shirt, sunglasses, a leather jacket and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses the man, "Who are you, so that I may know whether to admit or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The man said, " I am Ralph Wilson, a retired pilot from American Airlines."

Saint Peter consults his list, smiles and says, "Taken this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into heaven with his robe and staff.

The priest is next, steps forward and says, "I am Father John, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for 43 years." Saint Peter checks his list and says, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

The good father says, "Wait a minute ! This guy was a pilot and gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get a cotton robe and wooden staff? How can this be?"

Saint Peter replies, "Up here, we go by results. When you preached, people slept; When the pilot flew, everybody prayed."

That's it for today, my little wine drinkers. See you tonight at Lakes Cafe and Pub ! More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Somewhere Over The Rainbow !

I tried, I really tried ! As you know, I'm never wishy-washy when it comes to taking a stand. I'm known to rave and rant sometimes (you're kidding. Shut up). I oftimes digress and I enjoy humor. I tried but.....

I remembered "The Wizard of Oz" and the scarecrow's wishes. When I saw the excerpt from the Miss Teen USA pageant, it really cracked me up. I decided, at the time, that I wouldn't use it in my journal, although it would make excellent fodder. Then, with the memories of the poor scarecrow's quest for cerebral matter in Oz, I watched the video again...and again, ad nauseum. The bottom line? Miss South Carolina, Lauren Caitlin Upton, is a strikingly beautiful young lady, who, despite her recent faux pas, will most assuredly go on to bigger and better things. As for me, sorry sweetie, but I need the material.

That said, in Miss Upton's defense, she's young and was thrust into a spur of the moment question. At age 17, her experience is lacking and I'm sure she'll make a mental note as to how to prepare for this type of situation in the future. If you've never been on a stage to perform before, you have no idea of the pressure that is put upon you. Reaction to these types of pressure comes with time and experience.

So, on to the meat of the matter. I've heard of blonde moments and this one definitely fit the profile. This one, however, was painfully much longer. I laughed so hard at Miss Upton's answer to the posed question, and the reaction of the emcee afterward, that my sides hurt. Watching further media reaction to the You Tube video clip only reinforced my decision to run the video.

Don't be overly concerned about Miss Upton's future. She's already appeared this morning on one of the idiotic morning shows and was reposed the question, to which she answered well, and with flying colors. In the interim, enjoy the You Tube video.


The Pictures: The majestic Bengal tiger - one of the most commented and requested pictures, a baby elephant, one of Nancy's favorite retreats, a good reason why men should not stare at women and one of the pictures that I "borrowed" from Indigo.

This Date In History: 1850; Composer and pianist Franz Liszt conducts the premiere of Richard Wagner's opera "Lohengrin" in Weimar, Germany. 1968; Police in Chicago, Illinois violently attack protesters against the Vietnam War outside the Democratic National Convention.

Birthdays: Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, German poet, dramatist, novelist and scientist (1749). Leo Tolstoy, novelist and philosopher (1828).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:     Southern Philosophy

Your fences should be horse high, pig tight and bull strong. Keep skunks, bankers, lawyers and politicians at a safe distance. A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor. Words that soak into your mind are whispered, not yelled. Don't judge a person by his relatives. Every path has a few pudlles. Remember that silence is oftimes the best answer. Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging. The biggest trouble maker you'll ever have to deal with watches you each morning from the mirror. Always drink upstream from the herd. If you get to thinking that you're a person of influence, try ordering someone else's dog around.

That's it for today, my little raindears. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, August 27, 2007

Mundane Monday !

I owe, I owe, so off to work I go ! Ok, it's a bit trite, but I'm running out of expletives to describe Monday's loathed return to the workplace. It's funny, in a way, that everyone's really not happy to return to work on Mondays, yet in the case of a three day weekend, everyone's usually more that ready to hit the streets again. Go figure !

Let's start out today with congratulations to the Warner Robbins, Georgia, team that won the Little League World Series championship yesterday 3-2, with a game winning home run in extra innings, defeating a strong Japanese team. Twelve year old Dalton Karriker hit the game winner in the bottom of the eight inning. I didn't think they would win, but they persevered, overcoming mistakes and finally winning the game. Way to go, kids !

Alberto Gonzalez, the inept Attorney General, finally resigned today. Gonzalez, who let politics and George Bush's left cerebral lobe, Karl Rove, run his office, submitted his resignation today and Bush accepted it. Perhaps now, with Gonzalez gone, the government can take another look at the two Border Patrol agents, currently in prison for shooting a Mexican drug smuggler in the ass, and correct the situation.

Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick officially entered his guilty plea in court today. Vick later gave a short and succinct statement to the media, admitting to and apologizing for his actions and "axed" for forgiveness. Like all criminals, Vick stated that he has found Jesus.

I, personally, believe that everyone makes mistakes and everyone should receive a second chance. I do not, however, forgive killing animals nor cruelty to animals. Michael Vick made a serious mistake and should be given a second chance, as soon as he gets out of prison. In God we trust ! All others pay cash !

Here's a photograph of observers atop Montmorency Falls, Quebec, Canada.


The Pictures: A plethora of odds and ends that struck my fancy, our former Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez, Michael Vick, and a few you just might enjoy, namely the "usual suspects".

This Date In History: 1859; In Titusville, Pennsylvania, Edwin Drake drills the first successful oil well in the United States. I normally abbreviate United States to U.S., but due to a lack of anthing even remotely interesting in this date in history, I thought I'd ad-lib a little to see if you're paying attention. 1982; Oakland A's outfielder, Ricky Henderson, steals his 119th base, breaking Lou Brocks single season record for major league baseball. In a related incident, Willie Jamal Johnson steals three six packs of malt liquor from a nearby Oakland liquor store breaking Shalika William's minority league record.

F.Y.I.: They now have a butt cam for women (and I assume men too) so that you can see how your trailer looks in tight jeans. I'm very pleased with this idea in that it allows me to avoid painfull questions occasionally posed to me by wearers of said jeans. 

Birthdays: Lyndon B. Johnson (no relation to Willie Jamal Johnson, above), president of the United States (1909), Mother Teresa, Catholic missionary (1910).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Observations (Thanks to My Perfect Martini).

When I die, I want to die just like my grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep...., not like the other screaming passengers who were in the car with him ! When you have a headache, do what it says on the bottle. Take two and keep away from children. Do you hate working? There's a name and support group for that. It's AREA 51 and we meet Wednesdays and Fridays at Lakes Cafe and Pub. If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. Suppose you were an idiot. Suppose you are in congress. Alas, I repeat myself. Why is it called PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. Author: unknown, presumably deceased. Everyone has to believe in something. I believe I'm going to have another beer !

That's it for today, my little butterflies. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Oops !

Oops ! Not always a word you want to hear. I mean if you're at the dentist, you just don't wanna hear "oops"! If you're at your Doctor's office and the nurse is drawing blood, you don't wanna hear "oops". And, of course, when one is in the boudoir, I mean, cracker, Please !

In my case, it was last evening around 11:15 p.m. No, I wasn't in the boudoir, I was in my recliner and the phone rang. "Where the hell are you? You'd better be getting la...." I didn't believe it ! The last thing I remember was sitting in my recliner and watching the Nascar Busch Race at Bristol, Tennessee and..........COMA !

Yes, my little butterbeans, Mr. James slipped silently into oblivion, fully coifed, cologned and dressed. Just before leaving for AREA 51 at Lakes Cafe and Pub, I  sat down to watch what had happened in a wreck and it got interesting. The next thing I knew the phone was ringing and people were yelling at me. I wanted to give a sexy, elaborate reason why I was not there, but due to the fact that I don't wake up in a good mental state, I managed to blurt out, "I fell asleep in my chair". How exciting !

I Started Out As A Child: I remember during the Hurricane of 1948 or 1949 (too young to remember) and Dad took us from our home near Tamiami Trail, which in those days was almost in the Everglades, to Doctor Roberts' Hotel to pass the storm. The next day, at home, Mom wanted to get the mail, but it was flooded so bad that she would have to wade to the mailbox.

The problem was that critters such as alligators, snakes and rats were also seeking higher ground and she was afraid. So she took the two square washing tubs that received the clothes from the ringer on the washing machine and tied them together with rope. She put my brother in one tub and me in the other. She then tied the two tubs to her waist and with meat cleaver in hand, waded to the mailbox, my brother and I floating in tow, and got the mail. I remember that as if it were yesterday.

The Pictures: A place that I have been many times, Emerald Bay in Lake Tahoe, Nevada. There's an island in the bay on which a castle was built by a man for his bride-to-be and she never came. What a pity. There's female polar bear and her cub, some excellent shots of Arizona and an assortment of interesting creatures, including a sexy little goddess with an exciting mane.

This Date In History: 1718; French Colonists in Louisiana establish a settlement named for Duc d'Orleans, regent of France, which will become the city of New Orleans. 1825; Uraguay declares itself independent from Brazil. 1944; American Troops, along with Free French and French Resistance, liberate Paris from Germany.

Birthdays: Ivan the Terrible, Russian Tsar (1530), Allan Pinkerton, detective (1819), Clara Bow, actress (1905), Leonard Bernstein, composer and conductor (1918), Sean Connery, actor (1930).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Smart Ass Answers (Thanks, Tania)

It was mealtime on Hooters Airlines. The flight attendant asked John, "Would you like dinner?" John asked, "What are my choices?" The attendant replied, "Yes or no."

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check for tickets. A man approached and as the attendant extended her hand for his ticket, he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat the attendant said, "I want to see your ticket, sir, not your stub."

An elderly lady was looking through the frozen turkeys at the super market, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She said to the stock clerk, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?". The clerk replied, "No Ma'am, They're all dead !"

The teacher, reminding her students of tomorrow's exam, said, "I won't take any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might accept personal injury or a death in the family, but that's about it."

A smart ass guy in the rear of the class said, "What if I say to you tomorrow that I am suffering from complete sexual exhaustion?" The entire class roared with laughter.

The teacher smiled at the student knowingly and said, " In that case, I guess you'll have to write the exam with your other hand."

That's it for today, my little scallions. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned ! 

Friday, August 24, 2007

The Agony Of Prison Life - 82 Minutes In Jail !

Nicole Richie served 82 minutes in jail for DUI. 82 minutes ! If I run a yellow light, the cops shoot out my tires and Richie gets 82 minutes? Is this a great country or what? We've got the best politicians, attorneys and judges that money can buy !

I have to show you her two photos that were taken when she was booked into jail. This is definitely not the photographer that takes pictures for your drivers license at the DMV. Isn't it amazing how the poses are so unrehearsed. Where was this photograher when Nick Nolte and James Brown were booked ?


It kinda makes you want to have a cocktail, so I'm going to to AREA 51 at Lakes Cafe and Pub for Happy Hour ! I was going there anyway, it's just that having a pseudo reason for going sounds better. At any rate, we're having karaoke tonight, so join us.

The Pictures: Clones ? What if you could combine a few animals and make a new one of your own. That's just what we have today. I liked 'em when I saw 'em. I've got a few ideas for some actresses, but Shirley I digress (You said it, Surely !). I've included a baby macaque and it's mom taken in Thailand.

This Date In History: 1572; King Charles IX of France, under the influence of his mother, Catherine de Medicis, orders the mass killing of Hugenots (Protestants, as they were known in France), in the St. Bartholemew's Day Massacre. Authors note: My maternal (many greats) grandfather, Leonard Dozier, a hugenot, left France and came to America in 1683 to Virginia. 1814; In the last days of the War of 1812, British forces invade Washington, D.C., where they set fire to the Capitol and the White House. 1984; Baseball commisioner A.B. Giamatti suspends former star player Pete Rose for life for gambling on baseball. 1992; Hurricane Andrew devastates South Florida, causing 20 billion dollars in property damage and killing 41 people (I was there, went through that).

Birthdays: Rene Levesque, Quebec premier (1922), Cal Ripkin Jr., baseball player (1960).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

The Secret Of The Mysterious Dot: Most people think the the dot often seen on Hindu women comes from religion. The truth is it comes from marriage. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings with her a dowry.

On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see if he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel. If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones and giving technical advice.

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were excited about their weekend homework assignment, which was to sell something and then give a productive talk about salemanship.

Little Anne went first: "I sold Girl Scout Cookies and I made $30", she said very proudly, "I appealed to my customer's civic spirit and that'swhat made me successful."

Jackie was next and she said, "I sold my students' class pictures and I made $45. My sales point was how easy it was to get the pictures completed and how much the parents and friends would enjoy the pictures."

Little Jimmy stood up next and dumped a stack of cash on the teacher's desk. "$1,467", he said. "$1,467", cried the teacher, "What were you selling?".

"Toothbrushes", said little Jimmy.

"Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

Little Jimmy replied, "I found the busiest corner in town. Then, I set up a chip and dip stand. When customers came by, I gave them a free sample. They all said the same thing, 'This tastes like shit'. I said, 'It is shit, wanna buy a toothbrush?"

That's it for today, my little sparrows. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

Thursday, August 23, 2007

The Eagle Has Landed !

Mission accomplished ! Where have I seen that sign before? Could it have been when our fearless leader, the world leader who cannot pronounce the word nuclear, former military reservist, and current hawk landing on an aircraft carrier after the invasion of Iraq? Accomplished? Right !

Well, in my case, it was seeing my AREA 51 pals at Lakes Cafe and Pub last evening. With the exception of Al and Lydia, and my buddy Emilio, most of the regulars were there last night including Hector and Lourdes, Dr. Marc and Rosie, and Dr. Saca Muela (He's a dentist and 'saca muela' means tooth puller in spanish. That's the name Dr. Marc gave him). I was very pleased to see the very sexy Barbie last night, who sat with me for the evening. All in all, it was a good evening and everyone got home safely. Like I said, mission accomplished.

I decided to re-run the pictures of the pair of eagles and their chicks, along with a few ospreys. The main reason for today's pictures is that I remembered a (true) story about eagles. First and foremost, they bond for life. I'm not real sure of being with the same chick (pun intended) forever, but I guess it's romantic. Their mating habits, however, are a bit scary.

It seems they fly to a very high altitude, couple in mid-air and while plummeting towards the ground at speeds up to 180 miles per hour, engage in and complete the mating act. Now, I will admit to a few wild moments in my time that, in retrospect, were a little dangerous. I can assure you, however, that if I were one of those eagles watching they ground come up at me at frightening speed, I would have to leave the lady eagle hanging. On the other hand, if I were the lady eagle, I think I'd fake one !

The Pictures: Probably one of the most commented picture series that I've run in the past is the series of the pair of eagles and their newly hatched chicks. I've included some beautifule osprey picturesalong with my pal Martha doing her best God Bless America speech. Ya gotta love it !

This Date In History: 1305; Scottish nationalist William Wallace is executed in London as a traitor against King Edward I of England. 1821; Mexico receives it's independence from Spain in the Treaty of Cordoba.

Birthdays: Louis XVI, French king (1754), Gene Kelley, dancer, actor and director (1912), Sonny Jergenson, professional quarterback (1934).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:  MEN ! Thanks to my sexy perfect martini. (The following jokes, while not necessarily the opinion of this journalist, are very funny).

Why do men become smarter during sex? Because they're plugged in to a genius. Why don't men blink during sex? They don't have enough time. Why are men's brains larger than dogs? So that they don't hump women's legs at parties. Why did God make man before woman? Because you need a rough draft before you make the final copy. How many men does it take to put down a toilet seat? Don't know, it never happened. Why did God put men on earth? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

That's it for today, my little eaglets. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

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Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Midnight At The Oasis !

Happy Hump Day ! It's the day of the week when one reaches the acme and once atop, at the end of the arduous uphill trek, a brief momment of exhilaration. This sets the tone for the remainder of the work week and one set's one's sights on the goal of Friday and all the amenities that comes with it, especially Happy Hour ! In the interim, I will attend the Wednesday services this evening at Lakes Cafe and Pub, hosted by the inimitable Danny. I hope to see my pals there tonight and shoot the bull. I hope to see you there, too ! 

In my wanderings around I-World yesterday, I stopped at quite a few other journals to visit and the depths of thought that arise from my fellow journalists never ceases to amaze me. Insights and commentaries abound in J-Land and I urge you to take a trip there and see what talent awaits.

Me? Ah yes, about me. Although I rave and rant occasionally, I defer to my journalist friends for deep thought. Although the capabilities for such depth are stored in a little shoebox in the recesses of my mind, my preference is humor. It is the escape tool I use to allay my daily pains, anxieties, distresses and the realities of life.

My hope is that my journal is an oasis in the desert of the mundane and hurtful, an island in the sea of depressions and fears. Most importantly, you can stop by, kick off your shoes and relax. We grade on the curve here, so everyone can play (Surely, you rant. That I do, my obnoxious little alter ego and stop calling me Shirley) 'nuff said ! Here's a little graphic of what I like to visualize when I'm in one of my mischevious moods.


The Pictures: Lions and tigers and bears, oh my. Not really, but I've got a magnificent cheetah, two beautiful sunsets, one of my dream ladies, a glass for my perfect martini, a nice new glass for my pal, Jackie, and I've also got a loverly bunch of coconuts.

This Date In History: 1864; Twelve nations sign the Geneva Convention accord, which establishes rules for the treatment of the wounded, protection of medical personnel in wartime and chooses a red cross and a white background as a symbol. 1992; In this second day of the Ruby Ridge incident in Idaho, an FBI sharpshooter kills Vicki Weaver, the wife of seperatist, Randy Weaver.

Birthdays: Claude Debussy, composer (1862), John Lee Hooker, blues musician (1917), Carl Yastremski, professional baseball player (1939).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:  Thanks to my pal, Vivian !

Two New York business men are taking a break in their soon-to-be new store. It isn't quite finished and there's only empty shelves on the wall. One says to the other, "I'll bet any minute a tourist will stop and look in our window, then ask what we're selling."

No sooner than the words left his mouth, sure enough, an Alabama man stopped and asked, "What're y'all sellin' here?"One of the men replies, "We're selling assholes here."

Without missing a beat, the Alabama man replied, "Well, I see y'all are doin' really good, you've only got two left."

A man went to his doctor about his weight problem. The doctor said, "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this. The next time I see you, I expect to see you've lost five pounds." 

When the man returned, the doctor was amazed that the man had lost twenty-five pounds. The doctor said, "This is amazing. You followed my instructions?"The man nodded and said, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to die that third day".

The doctor said, "From the hunger?". The man replied, "No, just from all that skipping."

That's it for today, my little pelicans. See you tonight at Lakes Cafe and Pub, and.....more tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Michael Vick Cops A Plea; China Sends More Crap !

As expected, Michael Vick copped a plea and pled guilty to the dog fighting and animal cruelty charges filed against him. The official spin was that he was truly sorry for his actions and wanted to rehabilitate himself. The reality is that his three co-defendant buddies turned on him like junkyard dogs and agreed to testify for reduced sentences. The Feds were also prepared to file additional charges of gambling and racketeering which could have added serious prison time to the 18-24 months he is currently facing.

One would think that a young man with a 100 million dollar football contract would think about the ramifications of his actions, but then again, one must have said abilty.

A Chinese corporation that manufactures testing products, including AIDS tests, pregnanacy test and diabetic testing strips is sending bogus products to America. The main product is the testing strips used by diabetics to determine blood sugar levels. The strips are necessary to determine the amount of insulin they must inject to stabilize their sugar level. This is potentially lethal for diabetics and could seriously jeopardize their health. Although the owner of the Chinese corporation manufacturing these test strips is currently in a Chinese jail, Americans should boycott all Chinese products and send them a financial message !

You might have noticed that yesterday's entry was missing. Well, my little sleuths, there is a reason why it did not appear. As per my usual. I did my research, selected my pictures and even had a nice song from Michael Buble for you. I do not prepare any text (other than themes) and what I write comes from my mind to the screen at that particular moment. As I was putting the finishing touches on the entry the power went out.

 After shouting several expletives into the air, I calmed down and prepared to re-enter my journal entry anew, trying to remember and recapture the one that was erased by the power outage. Once again, a masterpiece (in my own little mind), was almost finished when mother nature required me to take Ralph for a walk. When I returned, there sat Shithead (my cat) sitting on my keyboard, licking his paws. As my computer went crazy and then shut off, Shithead looked up with his best Vinnie Barbarino look and said, "What?". Sometimes the game just gets rained out........

The Pictures: Glen Canyon National Park and the Grand Canyon National Park are on today's menu. I've also included some serene photographs that I hope you enjoy.

This Date In History: 1858; Abraham Lincoln and Stephen Douglas meet in their first series of debates on the subject of slavery during the Illinois senate race. 1911; The Mona Lisa by Leonardo Da Vinci is stolen from the Louvre Museum in Paris, France. It is recovered in 1913. 1959; Hawaii becomes the 50th state.

Birthdays: Phillip II, French king (1165), Count Basie, jazz bandleader (1904), Kenny Roger, country singer and chicken plucker (1938), Archie Griffin, footbal player (1954).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:  Thanks to my pal, Lourdes !

A man stopped by to shake hands with the Deacon after church services and said, "Deacon, that was a damned fine sermon!"  The Deacon replied, "Thank you, sir, but I'd rather that you do not use profanity."

The man said, "Yes sir, I was so impressed that I put $1,000 in the offering plate." The Deacon said, "No Shit?"

The mother took her son to the doctor. With a little hesitation, she said her son appeared to be in good health, but she was worried because her son was not very well endowed.

The doctor, after examining the boy, said, "I wouldn't worry, just feed him pancakes. That will solve the problem." The next day, the woman brought a large stack of pancakes to the breakfast table.

The boy said, "Gee, Mom, are those for me?" The mother said, "Just take two, the rest are for your father."

That's it for today, my little jellybeans. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Mattel wins the Cat's Ass Trophy Award !

There wasn't much discussion when I met with Shithead (my cat and co-judge) as to the winner of this week's prized Cat's Ass Trophy (CAT) Award. Mattel, the toy making giant who obviously doesn't give a damn about the people who purchase it's products, wins the CAT Award. Perhaps we can get Mattel's Chinese painters and packagers to design and produce the new Mexican Hersheys candy and wrappers so we can distribute them to our daily stream of illegal aliens that enter our borders.

Last night's meeting of the socially impaired embibers at Lakes Cafe and Pub went well with no injuries or mishaps. My pals, Emilio, Mario, Hector and Lourdes, Rosie, and Vega served as ambassadors of AREA 51 and did so quite well, I might add. Danny completed another section of the new bar and when that bad boy's done, it's going to be nice ! I ran into an old friend, Charlie C, who I went to high school with in 19%#.  All in all, the evening went well and, as always, I forgot to take pictures. What can I tell you !

The Pictures: A pair of newborn Persian leopards is the picture of the day. I had to run the picture of "Little Schnozzy", the baby giant anteater again just because he's cute. A few more baby animal pic's, a partridge in a pear tree (you're sick ! I know), and the "usual subjects".

You know of my hatred for the dreaded asparagus, but it dawned on me that, in the past, someone had to discover this vegetable and put it in their mouth. Just imagine finding asparagus, celery, cauliflower, rootabega or a turnip and putting it in your mouth for the first time. I can hear the conversation now.......

Great, great, great grandfather Jimmy I: "Hey honey, I just tasted this. Try it."

Great, great, great grandmother Jaime I: "It tastes like shit, but let's keep it in the family so that our future great great great grandson Jimmy the XX11 can eat it !

This Date In History: 1587; Virginia Dare, the first English child to be born in North America, is born to members of the Roanoke Colony on the Virginia Coast, whose inhabitants will disappear three years later. 1958; Published first in a banned French edition three years earlier, Vladimir Nabokov's novel "Lolita" makes it's first U.S. appearance. The book sells 100,000 copies in it's first three weeks.

Birthdays: Meriwether Lewis, explorer (1774), Roman Polanski, film director (1933), Roberto Clemente, professional baseball player (1934), Robert Redford, actor, film director and often mistaken for the renown journalist, Jimmy (1937).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:  Thanks to my pal, Beverly ! 

Two elderly ladies, Maude and Mabel, were sitting outside of their retirement home, having a drink and a smoke, when it begins to rain. Mabel pulls out a condom, cuts the end off, puts it over her cigarette and continues to smoke.

Maude said, "What's that?" Mabel answered, "It's a condom. I use it so my cigarette doesn't get wet." Maude says, "Where'd you get it?" Maybel replied, "You can get them at any drugstore."

The  next day Maude goes into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a box of condoms. The pharmacist, a little embarrased, politely asked, "What brand would you like?" Maude said, "It really doesn't matter, Sonny, as long as it fits a camel."

That's it for today, my little doodlebugs. Have a nice weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, August 17, 2007

Friday's Here And It's Party Time !

Two of Michael Vicks co-defendants in the animal abuse and dog fighting case pled guilty today in court. Purnell Peace and Quanis Phillips (Quanis ?) pled guilty and have agreed to testify against Michael Vick. One said that Vick helped to drown and hang dogs that under performed. This makes a total of three co-defendants who have turned states evidence, obviously saving their own sorry asses.

Mattel Corporation is light years ahead of it's nearest competition for this weeks Cat Ass Trophy (CAT) Award. With so many companies and corporations (like Hershey) turning to China and Mexico because of cheap labor, we need to let these people know that we aren't happy with their decisions and refuse to use or purchase their products. Maybe the profits gained by cheap labor can be eroded by poor sales.

Shithead (my cat and co-judge) and I will make the final decision tomorrow as to the CAT Award. Although, I think you know my position on Mattel, Shithead insists that we play by the rules and meet tomorrow morning for the decision.

It's finally Friday, so I'm off to Lakes Cafe and Pub for the evening. I'm going to try real hard to remember that my cell phone has a camera and take a few pictures. Since I have the memory of a mirror, I can't guarantee anything. Maybe I'll write a note and pin it on my shirt like we did in the first grade.

The Pictures: It seems that the first five or six pictures have the same theme today. How odd, huh? Of course, we have a few different ones that I think you'll enjoy and, as always.............

This Date In History: 1790; The Federal Capital of the United States moves from New York City to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, where it remains until it moves to Washington, D.C. in 1800. 1896; Gold is discovered in Bonanza Creek in the Klondike region of Canada's Yukon Territory.  A gold rush in the Klondike and nearby Alaska begins the following year when news of the strike spreads. 1969; Hurricane Camille batters Louisiana and Mississippi killing over 250 people.

Birthdays: Davey Crockett, frontier hero and politician (1786), Mae West, actress and comedian (1892), Robert De Niro, actor (1943).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Thanks to my pal, Tania !

A man breaks into a house looking for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the man to sit in a chair and then ties him up. While tying up the woman, he gets on top of her and kisses her on the neck. He then goes upstairs to the bathroom.

While the robber is upstairs, the man says to the woman, "Look, this guy's an escaped convict! I saw his clothes! He's probably spent a long time without a woman. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he want's sex, don't resist him. Do whatever he asks, satisfy him until he nauseates you! If you don't, he'll probably kill us! Be strong, honey! I love you !"

His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck, He was whispering in my ear. He's gay, he thinks you're cute and he asked me if we had any vasoline. I told him it was upstairs in the bathroom. Be strong, honey! I love you too !"

That's it for today, my little sweet peas. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Never Leave A Tern Unstoned !

Wednesday night's social at Lakes Cafe and Pub was fun, as usual, and Danny and Richard were there orchestrating the dart league. Hector and Lourdes were already there when I arrived. Rosie and her son, my little pal Danny, came in right after me. It was nice to see my pal, Sue, who is in the dart league. We keep importing our AREA 51 members into the fold there, but we're trying to do it little by little. We've got too many loonies to let out of the home at the same time.

The dart league was going strong and the players were really into their games. I'm just happy of the advent of plastic tipped darts. Back in the day, they were steel tipped and it's kinda scary when an errant throw from a well embibed patron hits your neighbor.

A Quick Note: Hershey's Chocolate is moving it's operation to Mexico. As much as I like Hershey's chocolate, they can stick it ! Sell that shit to the Mexicans.

The Pictures: Speaking about AREA 51, I've added some pictures of the Mars robotic explorer that was launched this month. It's expected arrival will be in Spring, 2008, and the results of the exploration should be interesting. There's also a very good example of how the Japanese negotiate in hostage situations, which the United States should make note of. You make the call.

This Date In History: 1906; An earthquake measuring 8.6 on the Richter Scale virtually destroys the city of Valparaiso, Chile, killing thousands of people. 1948; Baseball great, Babe Ruth, dies at the age of 53 in New York City. 1977; Elvis Presley, age 42, is found dead at his Graceland mansion, in Memphis, Tennessee.

Elvis Presley was an integral influence on my music. Althought the first performer to influence me was the great Hank Williams, Elvis came along at a time when I was learning to play the guitar and perform. Thirty years ago today, Elvis died, so I thought I'd play one of his songs for you. This was recorded when Elvis returned to perform in Las Vegas, 1968. The song is entitled, "That's All Right".

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Birthdays: Menachem Begin and Shimon Peres, Israeli Prime Ministers (1913 and 1923), Frank Gifford, football player and sportscaster (1930), Madonna (1958),

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Thanks to my pal, Victor !

The Book Report: (Author's note: Please do not read this if you are easily offended or have had a humor bypass).

Students at a local high school were asked to review two books, "Titanic" and "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One student turned in his report with the proposition that the two stories were nearly identical. His professor gave him an A+ for his report:

Titanic: Cost $29.99 Clinton: Cost $29.99

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love and the subsequent catastrope. Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love and the subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist. Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar. Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit. Clinton: Lets not go there !

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry. Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. Clinton: Bill doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen. Clinton:, let's not go there, either !

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death. Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.

That's it for today, My little Favorite Martians. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

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