Friday, November 30, 2007

Home, Home On The Rage !

Today is normally the day that I'm out and about, seeing my pals in AREA 51 but, all of my body parts aren't cooperating. My knee and ankle are not up to snuff yet, so I'll be sidelined tonight. I really don't like being home on Fridays against my will ! 


Nevertheless, it's Friday and the last day of November and you know what's next. Their messages and tales of woe already started arriving by mail and email. Next, you'll see them on the sidewalks, hands extended, wishing you a Merry Christmas while eyeing your wallet. In the malls and stores everywhere, they post imaginative tales and erect signs of good tidings as they try to lure your greenbacks into their coffers. Eventually they lull you into a sense of the holiday spirit and voila, they have your money.

And where are these people on December 26th? Open for business and telling you that this time, they've really got deals for you. Such a deal ! I speak about Maceys and Sears, Walmart and Target, Laurel and Hardy, Winn-Dixie and Publix, Donner and Blitzen, Best Buy and Radio Shack, Cheech and Chong, and all the other people who utilize this time of year and in a spirit with which it shouldn't come. Their commercials, flyers, emails, handouts, begging, and pleading are all vieing for your hard earned dollars. They target children, grandmothers, mothers, fathers, grandfathers, skydivers, and injured journalists, searching for a weak link in the chain.

They're all out there, murderers, thieves, scumbags, neanderthals, attorneys (redundant), lowlifes, con men, scammers, robbers, skydivers, IRS agents, tree trimmers, cartoonists, sex slaves and stutterers. You also have be alert outside the stores, as well. Yes, my little shopping bags, tomorrow begins the season to be jolly !

The Pictures: I have more of the fine photographs from the same portfolio as yesterday. While I am trying to insert only photographs from the collection, I'm also itching to throw in a few of the "ususal suspects". Keep your eyes (and grapes) peeled for any "ringers".

This Date In History: 1782; A preliminary peace treaty between the colonies and England is signed in Paris, France. 1918; Denmark recognizes Iceland as an independant kingdom. 1939; Russia invades Finland beginning the Russo-Finnish War. 1954; In Alabama, a meteorite crashes though a house into the living room, striking a woman in the hip. Jackie was uninjured as she had yet to be born. 

Birthdays: Johnathon Swift, writer and author of "Gulliver's Travels" (1667), Mark Twain, pen name of Samuel Clemens, writer and humorist (1836), Winston Churchill, prime minister of the United Kingdom (1874).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying,

"I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting.

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also
worth 50% of the mark."

The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler!"
That's it for today, my little prairie dogs. Have a great and safe weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Heeeeeeee's Baaaaaaaaaaaaack !

Just when I thought it was safe to go back into the water........! I keep forgetting that I have passed the age of 39. Although Jack Benny cornered the market on that fine age, alas, it has long since passed for the likes of me. The main problem is that I forget this important fact. Many times I have entered the restroom at one of my watering holes and upon nearing the sink, have become irritated waiting on the silver haired man in front of me to finish and move, so that I can wash my hands.

I was feeling pretty well after making my Tuesday entry and I undertook several tasks shortly thereafter that needed to be finished. Afterwards, I returned to the computer to do a few more things and then went to bed around 1:00 a.m. I awoke Wednesday around 9:00 a.m. feeling rested and refreshed. I swung my legs to the floor and when I stood up, the pain in my right knee and my ankle was beyond belief. I laid back down and thought "now, what?".

I suddenly remembered the phrase, "too much, too soon", a concept I've rarely had to apply to myself, but now seems like a viable alternative to burning the candle at both ends (especially with a short candle. Shutup !). So, once again, I did not post for the second time this week. My apologies !

Orel B, the toothbrush people, only slightly irritated me when they came out with the electric toothbrush. Now, they have me rolling with laughter on their newest invention. I apologize, in advance, to anyone who has purchased this product, but if you have, you seriously need to re-examime your priorities.

Their newest product is a computerized toothbrush. Yes, Bucky Beaver, you have competition. The computer tells you if you haven't done enough strokes (I wonder if this concept could be carried to the boudoir), if you are doing it incorrectly (redundant), and other valuable pearls of wisdom. Call me silly, but if you are unable to count to thirty, or your saliva is red or if you are unable to ascertain why you have a sharp pain in your gums, methinks, you'll also be unable to operate the computerized toothbrush, anyway. As for carrying the concept to the boudoir, it doesn't matter that much in games of solitaire.

Odds And Ends: I saw a television show the other evening where one of the people mentioned the "mile high club". I don't know if I qualify for the club due to my fear of flying, but I did spend several amorous weekends in Denver. I did qualify for another club, however, called the "mile ahead club' where you have an amorous interlude in your car while parked behind a Cracker Barrel billboard.

The Pictures: I found some exceptional pictures for you today and if you would really like to see them in their best light, view them larger in a slide show. There's no rhyme or reason as to subject matter, merely some excellent shots. I can't show them all today but out of 50 shots I received, I only eliminated one. I'm sure you will enjoy them.

This Date In History: 1864; U.S. military forces attack a Cheyenne encampment at Sands Creek, massacring over 400 men, women and children. 1890; The first Army-Navy football game is played between the U.S. Military Academy and the U.S. Naval Academy. 1963; President Lyndon B. Johnson establishes the Warren Commission, headed by Supreme Court Justice Earl Warren, to investigate the assassination of President John F. Kennedy.

Birthdays: Louisa May Alcott, novelist and author of "Little Women" (1832), Busby Berkley, stage and motion picture director (1895).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A 65 year old man went to the doctor for his Class II exam and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in.

The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a pilot and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight, climb all over the aircraft doing my pre-flight inspection, fly all day, etc."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 65 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 84 yrs old and, in fact, he built and flies his own airplane!

He went flying with me this morning. That's why he's still alive... he's a pilot too!"

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad?  How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean your dad is 84 years old and
his father is still living?!  How old is he?"

The old timer said, "Grandpa is 102 years old and he was a pilot too."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went flying with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he just got married and he's on his honeymoon."

The doctor said in amazement, "Got married?!!  Why would a 102-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

That's it for today, my little hush puppies. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

The Bathroom Fumble !

I missed yesterday's entry due to my agility and because of the natural athletic co-ordination with which I am gifted. Let us return to the scene of the incident for review. As I was watching the football game on Sunday afternoon, there was a break in the action and I made the decision to take a quick bathroom break. Knowing the football time out is normally one to two minutes, I casually strolled toward my bathroom goal line and called a play for the quarterback, Ralph Sullivan.

The receiver was prepared and the play called for a fake to the tight end and then a quick p*ss to the receiver. Unfortunately, Ralph fumbled and the center was late with the snap, causing a delay of game. Upon final execution of my bathroom play and the ensuing celebration, I heard the game on television had resumed.

In my haste to return to the living room and see the next play, I mistakenly thought the right side of the doorway was wider than it was and attempted to pass through a non-existing space, thus slightly injuring my shoulder and my knee. I still do not know who won the football game on television, but due to Ralph's bathroom fumble, my final score was Bathroom 1, Jimmy 0. Today is the first day that I have been able to sit in one postion for more than five minutes.

Odds And Ends: On November 24th, a Norwegian passenger ship, the M/S Explorer, with 154 passengers aboard hit an iceberg off King George Island in Antartica. Fortunately, the captain ran the ship aground and everyone was safely taken to other nearby rescue ships.

My question is, did anyone besides myself, see the movie, Titanic? I mean, duh? Sailing a passenger ship near iceberg filled Antartica? Methinks that there were probably 155 passengers on board, 'cause some broad with a jeweled necklace was found sitting on top of a wooden crate, yelling, "I ain't moving my fat ass off this crate and I ain't sharing !"

The Pictures: Todays pictures are a quick hodgepodge which I put together while my pained knee sits patiently telling me that I shouldn't be overly creative today. This being the final thing that I do before completing my daily entry, the results are that I like the pictures, but didn't enter as many as usual.

This Date In History: 1779; The Pennsylvania State government converts the College of Philadelphia into the University of the State of Pennsylvania, thus creating both America's first state school and the first official University. 1901; The Army War College is authorized by the U.S. Department of War. 1924; New York City's Macy's department store holds it's first Thanksgiving Day parade down a two mile stretch of Broadway from Central Park to Herald Square.

Birthdays: James Agee, writer (1909), Bruce Lee, Chinese American actor (1940), Jimi Hendrix, rock guitarist (1942).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa ! You need to go out and fix the outhouse !" Pa replies. There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! " Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!" Ma says, "Ya have to stick  yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"
That's it for today my little honeydippers. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, November 23, 2007

I Just Dropped In To See What Condition My Condition Was In !

I'm still here, alive and somewhat well. We had a great time at Lydia and Al's for the Thanksgiving feast. The food and preparations were fantastic and they fed a small army of family, relatives and friends. My best guesstimation was that there was more than thirty people at the dinner. It must have taken Lydia at least two days to prepare everything and that doesn't account for purchases.

Needless to say, I am not at my best today, as I got home on the neighborhood of 2:00 a.m. I was also very happy that it was my neighborhood, but being a quick thinker, I walked over to the neighborhood 7-11 and bought a carton of milk. I wasn't particularly in the mood for milk, per se, but I wanted to look on the carton to make sure that my picture wasn't on the carton under the caption "Have you seen this child".

If I can locate most of my body parts, I am going to see my friends in AREA 51 at Lakes Cafe. I'm pretty sure that all of the inhabitants won't be there because when you deal with the likes Johnny Walker, Jack Daniels and Jose Cuervo, like in any firefight, there are always casualties. I was only slightly wounded and escaped any serious harm.

In the interim, here's a picture from my pal, Anne, showing the dangers of a trampoline in a hunting area.


The Pictures: As usual, I wasn't bright enough to remember to take any pictures last night with my cell phone camera, but I've entered sort of a little visual pictorial of my adventures last night. You kinda have to add your own captions to the saga, but if you know me, you'll get the gist of it. There's also a few pictures, cryptic hellos and messages, as per my wont.

This Date In History: 1683; Fighting begins at the Battle of Chattanooga. 1945; With the end of World War II, all rationing stops in the U.S. with the exception of sugar. 1973; Representative Yvonne Burke gives birth to a daughter, Autumn Roxanne Burke, becoming the first member of Congress to become a mother while in office. Authors Note; While the reporting source of this 1973 record was made in good faith by it's author(s), I can assure you the U.S. Senate and Congress has a plethora of members who were mothers prior, during and after their tenures.

Birthdays: Franklin Pierce, 14th president of the United States (1804), William H. Bonney (Billy the Kid), outlaw (1859), Boris Karloff, memorable actor (1887).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Thanks to My Perfect Martini !

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1) "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before! 2)  "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" 3) "Can you hear me NOW?" 4) "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married." 5) "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?" 6)  "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..." 7) "Are we there yet? 8) "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" 9) "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit! 10)  "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?" 11)  "God, now I know why I am not gay." 12)  "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity." 13)  "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? 14) "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

That's it for today, my little Alka Seltzers. Have a safe and great weekend. If I fully recover, I'll see you tonight at Lakes Cafe. More on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Wishing You And Yours A Happy Thanksgiving !

To all my dear friends, best wishes for a safe and happy Thanksgiving. May your families enjoy the day and the fellowship of being with friends and loved ones.


That's it for today, my dear little turkey gobblers. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !  

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

A Special Hump Day and Thanksgiving Eve !

It's Hump Day and the day before Thanksgiving. I'm usually preparing for my Wednesday therapy sessions with the denizens of AREA 51 but I'm unsure if anyone's going today with all of the preparations necessary for tomorrow. I'll resolve that question once I finished today's entry.

I'll be celebrating Thanksgiving with my pals, Lydia and Alfonso, together with their families. My Pals, Dr. Marc and Rosie will also be attending and if this year's meal is anything like last year's, it will be fantastic ! Lydia is an excellent cook and Al always holds up his end of the deal by checking the Johnny Walker Black bottles for leaks. As per our normal arrangement, Dr. Marc and I are employed as assistant leak checkers and I know what you're thinking, so don't go there. I am refering to the Johnny Walker Black Bottles.


Tomorrow's a family day and although my children live in Orlando and Las Vegas, I have (and always had) the good fortune to share this special day with many close friends. I am thankful for my family and friends and looking back through the years, I don't think I'd change anything. Sure, there were bad times, but I think the good Lord has special plans for each and every one of us, and somehow I don't think he gives us more than we can handle.

If you have lonely men coming for tomorrow's Thanksgiving meal, I have a special method for preparation of your turkey. It's a simple procedure and can be easily accomplished by using well placed aluminum foil on the bird while cooking. You'll thank me for this idea.


There'll be no rants or raves today. I'm just in a laid back mood and my entry today will reflect that. Keep your guard up though, because you know there's always the chance of a pop quiz and you always have to read between the lines.

The Pictures: Todays pictures are of the "aw..." variety, basically because that's what struck me. I found some cartoons that I also like and I entered the captions underneath in case they don't show well. Then, there's a chicken crossing the road. Why? Next to last, but not least, an answer to a pressing question that's been asked of us many times in our lives. I have visual proof, my little forest rangers.

This Date In History: 1783; French physicist Jean Francois Pilate de Rozier makes the first manned flight in a hot air balloon. 1942; The Alcan Highway in Alaska is completed. 1945; The United Auto Workers stage the first postwar strike in the General Motors plant in Deerborn, Michigan.

Birthdays: Voltaire, French writer and philosopher (1694), Stan Musial, professional baseball player and manager (1920), Ken Griffey, Jr., professional baseball player (1969).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:


That's it for today, my little cranberrys (Authors note: November 22; cranberries, I stand corrected by my pal, Nancy. I guess I was thinking of Ralph Cramdonberry). Possum S. Hemmingway (he asked me to use his given name) and I, wish you and your family a Happy Thanksgiving. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Two Days to T-Day And I'm Getting Goofy !

If you watch the local and national evening news every day, I'm sure by now you've become accustomed to the brazen and wanton killings and robberies by the feces of our society. What you may not know is that police are heavily burdened with major crimes such as murder and homicide and cannot dedicate a lot of time to cases such as assaults and robberies, especially when no one is murdered or badly injured.

The scum that perpetrate these crimes take advantage of this, becoming more and more blatant in their crimes, and knowing full well that the police are unable to overly pursue them.

Well, guess what, Jamal? A Texas man living in Atlanta, Georgia spotted two criminals entering a home adjacent to his home and called 911. Frustrated on the slow response from the area police, he asked the 911 operator to hurry the police response. Upon seeing the two thieves leave the residence with stolen items, he advised the 911 operator that he was going to stop them and against the 911 operator's advice, he went outside. He told the suspects not to move and when they didn't stop, he fired three rounds from his shotgun, killing both of the thieves.

The man has not been arrested at this time and a grand jury will consider his plight and make recommendations for or against prosecution based on the facts. Although I'm not quite sure that what the man did was legal, I am sure that if this type of action happens enough times, you will see an abrupt drop in these types of crimes.  Most of us only have to touch a hot stove once to learn a lesson.

This Just In: Mexico cannot field an Olympic team for the next Olympics due to the fact that all the runners and swimmers are in the United States.

From The Department Of Poetic Justice: Finn Walling purchased two tickets for his children to see the Hannah Montana concert. When his child became ill and could not attend the concert, he went to the venue and waited patiently outside, looking for deserving children who couldn't attend the concert. He ran into a mother of two young girls, one of which had some sort of a breathing condition. The mother was on disability and couldn't afford tickets to the concert, but she brought the girls to the venue to enjoy the pre-concert activities. Mr. Walling gave his two tickets to the girls and because of the one girl's affliction, the mother was allowed to join them and see the concert. Kudos to Finn Walling !

The Pictures: A picture of the Chairman of the Board, Frank Sinatra is the lead picture today. A lot of the music that I perform was due to his influence. I couldn't see the forest for the trees today, so I threw in some turkey jokes, another one of my "work in progress" drawings and some cryptic hellos and messages. Yours are numbers eleven and twelve, Nance

This Date In History: 1620; Peregrine White is born upon the Mayflower, anchored near Cape Cod in Massachusetts. She is the first child ever born of English parents in New England. 1945; The International Military Tribunal opens in Nuremberg, Germany. Twenty-four individuals are charged with a variety of crimes and atrocities.

Birthdays: Kenesaw Mountain Landis, Baseball's first commissioner (1866), Carl Hubbel, astronomer (1889), Emilio Pucci, Italian fashion designer (1914), Robert F. Kennedy, former attorney general of the U.S. and statesman (1925).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Speaking of China............

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. Man who eat prunes get good run for money. Baseball is wrong - man with four balls cannot walk. Man who walk through turnstile sideways is always going to Bankok. Man who fish from other man's well often catch crabs. Man who have one chopstick go hungry. Elevator smell different to midget. It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. Woman who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse. Man who fight with wife get no piece at night. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give upright organ. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

And from an unnamed but loved source:

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis your firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting, juss anyting you want. You juss ask... so... whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have heard about from many other girls...Numbaa 69.'
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...'You want..... Garlic Chicken with steam vegetable?

That's it for today my little teeny boppers. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned ! 

Monday, November 19, 2007

Monday Monday !

This is going to be a week where the phrase "get stuffed" is appropriate. Thanksgiving  Day is, and has always been, a gathering of family and friends albeit a little different than the first Thanksgiving,  where pilgrims and indians shared dinner and gave thanks for their food, most of which the indians showed them how to grow. Today it's parades, football and turkey. I'm not real sure if the original participants of thanksgiving would approve. I'm real sure that the indians wouldn't be too happy of what lied ahead for them, although they are reclaiming a little each day as each slot machine handle is pulled.


Each Monday, I sit in front of my computer and wonder what topic I will address. Aside from obvious holidays and easy subjects, there's alway that little lull that leaves me surfing the Web for pictures and stories of interest. As always, there's always some idiot or idiots who fulfill my need for humor, disgust or bewilderment. Sometime, I hit the trifecta and all three are combined in one.

The first idiot and sef-centered opportunist is Dr. Robert Rey, also known as Dr. 90210. He is not board certified, although he does practice as a plastic surgeon. It's bad enough that he encourages women to disfigure themselves for reasons of vanity and that are not medically necessary, he has a telvision program where he is shown performing his "art". I am completely for plastic surgery when necessary, but this guy just burns my ass (as does a three foot high candle).


Next we have a picture of two idiots and two beasts of burden, which cracked me up. The two idiots are (c)rap artists Ludacris and Akon (Shown here in the obligatory "we bad' pose) and the two beasts of burden are named Howard (who wore a mask so his Mom wouldn't recognize him) and Harvey. You axed for a ride and you got it.


The Pictures: It's a strange day for pictures and I've gathered a few for your review. Some just jumped out at me and the others are just whims. I've added pictures of three of my AREA 51 pals, Dr. Marc, Hector and Al, at Friday's belated birthday party for Hector's wife, Lourdes. A picture of the Chevy "789" custom car and a "work in progress" drawing that I am working on called "Midnight Sea", rounds out the rest of the pictures.

This Date In History: 1620; The Mayflower arrives off the coast of Cape Cod, where their moving van awaited to take their belongings to their new homes. 1863; President Abraham Lincoln delivers the Gettyburg Address at the dedication of the Civil War Cemetary at Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. 1954; The first automatic toll collection machine is placed in service at the Union Valley Toll Plaza on New Jersey's Golden State Parkway. Three cars from Hoboken immediately went through without paying. 1969; American astronauts Pete Conrad and Alan Bean are the 3rd and 4th humans to walk on the moon.

Birthdays: James Garfield, 20th president of the U.S. (1871), Indira Gandhi, Indian politician (1917), Roy Campanella, professional baseball player (1921), Ted Turner, American business executive (1938), Calvin Klein, fashion designer (1942), Jodie Foster, actress (1962).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Thanks to my pal, Beverly !

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few
days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say
that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' ....................................................................................

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really? Like a newborn baby?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

That's it for today, my little candied yams. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, November 16, 2007

It's Gonna Be A Cool Friday !

It's 72 degrees and the sun is shining on a Friday afternoon here in Miami and the weatherman says that the temperature will drop to around 58 degrees tonight. It's the type of weather that makes me frisky and I look forward to tonight.

The denizens of AREA 51 will be heading to a different venue tonight in that we'll be celebrating Lourdes' birthday this evening at her newly remodeled home. Methinks a little revelry is on tap for this evening and I'm sure that we'll have a great time.


Odds And Ends: As I mentioned briefly yesterday, Barry Bonds, who "never knowingly took steroids" has been indicted by a federal grand jury for perjury and obstruction of justice in the FALCO case currently pending. I'll have much more to say about this in the coming days, but Friday is not the day for a rant.... Lindsay Lohan served a grand total of 84 minutes in jail for drunken driving eclipsing the record set by Nicole Richie for the least amount of time served for this type of incident.... The Rev "Podium Al" Sharpton was at the Department of Justice today axing for federal enforcement of hate crimes. You da man, Al !

NASCAR auto racing is in Miami this weekend for "Championship Weekend" featuring all three divisions. It should be a fun and interesting weekend.

The Pictures: Characters ! As I went through my picture archives, I noticed that there were quite a few characters that always catch my eye, so decided to show them to you. Some you have seen, some not. Some of the characters you will remember, some not. Some of the people you like and defintely some not ! There's no rhyme or reason to the order, but some of the groupings are purposeful. You'll understand when you see them so take a stroll through through the album.

This Date In History: 1676; On Nantuckett Island, located in the English colony of Massachusetts, local authorities hire William Bunker (Archie's great,great,great grandfather) to establish the first prison in the American colonies. 1907; Oklahoma becomes the 46th state admitted into the Union. 1933; The United States and the USSR establish diplomatic ties.

Birthdays: My pal, Lourdes (belated) (19XX), George S. Kaufman, playwright, director and producer (1889), Dwight Gooden, professional baseball pitcher (1964).

The HitsJust Keep On Coming: Thanks to my Perfect Martini !

A Story With A Lesson.

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight
miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice
view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed
straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

That's it for today, my little guppies. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


Thursday, November 15, 2007

Cruel And Unusual Punishment ?

You think death by lethal injection is "cruel and unusual" punishment? I've got news for you, Skippy ! I, personally, would put your sorry ass to death in the same manner that you put your victim(s) to death !

Today, the U.S. Supreme Court halted and stayed the execution of convicted killer, Mark Dean Schwab. He was due to be executed at 6:00 p.m., this evening, and the Court stayed the execution because of a pending Kentucky case against lethal injection, claiming that it it is "cruel and unusual punishment".

Schwab, who had been released from prison for sexual assault prior to the incident, kidnapped, raped and murdered 11 year old Junny Rios-Martinez in 1991.

At a certain point in time, it is necessary to "thin the herds" of society of these foul, un-Godly, people and I can assure you, if I was in charge, I would make sure that Schwab died a slow, agonizing death. It's high time that the government think about the victims and not the dregs of society.

The foul-cryers are coming out of the woodwork over the governor of Georgia's prayer for rain at a venue out of and away from any government building. Georgia is in a severe drought which is dramatically affecting many states in the southeast. I am in favor of the separation of church and state, but at a certain point in time, if the Ayatollah Khomeni can pray and make it rain, then go for it.

From The Poetic Justice Department: Baseball player Barry Bonds has just been federally indicted for perjury and obstruction of justice stemming from the "FALCO Case" involving his alleged use of steroids and association with that case. Life is good !

The Pictures: (or lack thereof) ; As I make today's entry, AOL pictures seems to be in a bit of a snit. I am getting a graphic that says "Oops, AOL cannot locate your pictures" Methinks the problem lies with AOL Journals, which has just made a change in the journals schematic, which, as usual, has a few "bugs". If, for some reason, the "bug" has been dosed with a shot of Black Flag, I will attempt to repost today's pictures.

This Date In History: 1777; The American Congress adopts the Articles of Confederation and sends them to the states for ratification. 1965; Craig Breedlove reaches a speed of over 600 miles pre hour in his jet-powered Spirit on America, setting a new land speed record.

Birthdays: Erwin Rommel, German field marshall (1891), W. Averill Harriman, American financier (1891).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Thanks to My Perfect Martini and my pal, Victor !

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast
table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no
good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,"What took you so long to answer to the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed." He says, "In bed this early, doing what?" She says "Getting a second opinion!"


There was a preacher whose wife was expecting ababy so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise.  After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. 

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.  There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.  Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. 

"Children are a gift from God," he said.
Silence fell on the congregation.  In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said:  "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen."

That's it for today, my little raisinettes. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Grab Your Camels, Boys And Girls, It's Humpday !

Well, it took it's sweet time, but it's finally Hump Day, which gives me the excuse to carouse with my friends in AREA 51 at Lakes Cafe. I'm unsure of my arrival time, because I have to stop by and see a friend who's been under the weather, but inevitiably, I'll be traipsing in !

The residents of AREA 51 have been gearing up for Thanksgiving and I'm sure that there's going to be some great dishes to be enjoyed next week. One of the more different dishes that is prepared, in addition to the normal fare, is the Cuban turkey (don't go there). It's prepared with garlic, sour oranges and a sauce called "mojo"  (pronounced mo-ho and not to be confused with the mo-ho that The Rev "Podium Al" Sharpton uses). It's an exciting taste and fits right in beside the traditional turkey. I look forward to next week's celebrations.


I saw a person who's a vegetarian today on television and during the interview, she said, "I'm a vegetarian. I haven't eaten meat in five years". Whoop dee doo ! I haven't eaten a banana in four months ! Why is it necessary for people to tell you things that you could care less about?

From The Poetic Justice Department:

The Good; A waiter in a New Orleans casino found a wallet with $8,000 in it and turned it in. The wallet belonged to a surgeon who had won the money while gambling. While hesitant about accepting a reward, the surgeon was so moved by the waiter's honesty, he gave the entire $8,000 to the waiter.

The Bad; A thief was running from the police at the Miccosukee Indian Casino in Miami Dade County. In the act of escape, he dove into a pond to elude the police. He failed, however, to read the sign posted at the pond which read; Beware of Alligators. They found his body at the bottom of the lake with toothmarks on it.

The Pictures: Today's pictures take us beneath the sea to take a look at some of the exotic creatures and plants that dwell there. I did not put a picture of my ex mother-in-law in the pictures although she does qualify.

This Date In History: 1832; The first streetcar goes into operation. 1851; Herman Melville publishes "Moby Dick". 1935; The Commonwealth of the Phillipines is officially proclaimed by U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt. 1969; NASA launches Apollo 12, the second lunar landing mission and the first mission to make a pinpoint landing on the moon.

Birthdays: Claude Monet, French painter (1840), Aaron Copeland, composer (1900), King Hussein, king of Jordan (1935), Prince Charles, prince of Wales (1948).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:  Thanks to My Perfect Martini

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."

Thanks to my pal, Victor

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on thi s antique watch. It's a very
special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to
swing the watch gently back an! d forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers
and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the senior center


That's it for today, my little starfish. See you tonight at Lakes Cafe and more tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

The Social Slugs Of Society !

There's just some people that I can't tolerate and when you open the dictionary of life, you'll find their pictures under the word asshole ! I have learned that it takes no special talent to be classified as such, just the ability to piss everyone off.

Case in point; (A) O.J. Simpson, the moron who escaped the guilty verdict for murdering his wife and her friend, Ron Goldman, basically because the majority of the Los Angeles County jury were black and voted on a racial basis and not on the facts. That notwithstanding, the prosecution, normally made up of attorneys who are not bright enough to have a lucrative defense practice, screwed the case up so badly that O.J. walked. You know how everyone else in the world really felt when the case went to civil court and they found the sorry bastard guilty.

Now, they've got a good case against him in Las Vegas, where the jury will be a lot different should the case go to trial. He has 12 felony counts against him, too numerous to mention in detail. Suffice to say that he won't see another light of day if convicted. Once again, however, the prosecution, in their rush to get the case to court, are currently in the process of screwing the case up. This is only a hearing to ascertain if there is enough evidence to take the case to a jury.

Three of his co-defendants have turned belly-up (as dirtbags of this ilk are wont to do) and agreed to testify against each other and Simpson to save their own asses. As of yet at least two of them have either partially changed their statements or said things that helped the defense. Granted, their backgrounds are shady, but when the whole group turns against Simpson, there must be at least one that's credible enough to get this case to court.

Case number two; (A) Dr. Jan Adams, the physician who operated on singer Kanye West's mother, Dandra, prior to her recent unexplained death. Dr. West has had or currently has the following actions or suits against him: 1) A restraining order from his girlfriend and her children due to unpleasant actions from West while drinking. 2) Claim from a patient that West got her drunk after performing surgery, had intercourse with her and she became pregnant. 3) Suit from a patient for a botched breast enhancement surgery. 4) Suit from a patient for a bothched tummy tuck and claims that West falsified his credentials on which the patient relied. 5) A malpractice suit from yet another patient.

Tolerence is a word in my dictionary that I am using less frequently !

The Pictures: Three Coins In The Fountain? Maybe... you'll just have to look into these majestic fountains from all over the world. Las Vegas and Dubai are some of the places where you can find them. On A Different Note: Using the famous logo from the police television series set in Los Angeles County, entitled "Dragnet", you will find photographs of O.J. Simpson and Dr. Jan Adams, the man who performed surgery on Kanye West's mother, Dandra, prior to her death.

This Date In History: 1789; United States President George Washington returns to Washington after his first presidential tour. 1969; War moratorium demonstrations occur across the nation. 1982; The Vietnam Veterans Memorial is dedicated in Washington, D.C. The names of more than 58,000 lost soldiers are inscribed on a long wall of polished black granite.

Birthdays: James Clerk Maxwell, British physicist (1831), Robert Louis Stevenson, novelist and author of "Treasure Island" (1850).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Thanks to my friend Jim

A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The
Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I
was a salesman back in Missouri ."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the
job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down "How many sales did
you make today?" The kid says "one". The boss says "Just one?!  Our
sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says $101,237.65".

The boss says "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell? The kid says,
"First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook.
Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast,
so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat
department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he
didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I
said, Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."

That's it for today, my little candy kisses. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !