Franchitti Wins Indianapolis 500 - Video: Mike Conway Crash - Car Cut In Half On The Final Lap.

Happy Memorial Day to everyone. Today is a day to remember the men and women of our armed forces, both past and present.

Dario Franchitti drove 199 nearly flawless laps, then survived the last one with a huge break from a spectacular crash to climb back on top of the open-wheel world Sunday with his second win at the Indianapolis 500.

Two years removed from his failed try in NASCAR, Franchitti held on with a scant tenth of a gallon of fuel left in the tank -- a victory made possible by a crash that sent Mike Conway airborne on the final lap. "Still running," Franchitti told his crew over the radio as he crossed the finish line, while wreckers were moving out to scoop up debris from Conway's accident with Ryan Hunter-Reay.

Franchitti's second Brickyard victory in four years helped his boss, Chip Ganassi, become the first owner to win Indy and NASCAR's Daytona 500 in the same year. It also validated the Scottish driver's return to the IndyCar circuit two years after celebrating his 2007 Indy victory by making an unsuccessful move to NASCAR. England's Dan Wheldon, the 2005 winner who closed furiously as Franchitti slowed to save fuel before Conway's crash, was second, and fellow Brit Alex Lloyd was third.

Pole-sitter Helio Castroneves saw his quest for his record-tying fourth Indy victory come to an end with an uncharacteristic mistake -- stalling out leaving the pits on the 146th lap. It left him in need of a yellow-flag miracle at the end that never came. He had to pit again on the 193rd lap and finished ninth.

That was four spots behind Danica Patrick, who picked and poked her way from 23rd to finish fifth despite a balky car that she complained about in qualifying. Patrick never found her comfort zone over 500 miles in 88-degree weather - at one point saying she wished she could make up as much time on the track as in the pits - but she was patient and disciplined and now has three top-five finishes in six years.

Laugh Lines: An Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face and says "Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"? His mother said, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm." Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower"? She replied, "Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she replied.

He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"? His mom said, "We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived." The mother paused and said to her son, "Tell me, Two Dogs Humping," why are you so curious?"

In Louisiana, Boudreaux was out in the field talking with his friend, Thibodeaux. Thibodeaux said, "Boudreaux, you see dat ole barn out dere? Well man, its completely infestered wit rats. I tried everything I know an can't get rid of dem." Boudreaux said, "Thibodeaux, I know xactly how to get rid of dem rats. You gotta get you one of dem bull constriptors."

Thibodeaux said, "Whats a bull constriptor?" Boudreaux explains, "Man, dats one of dem big ole snakes and he loves to eat rats and swallers dem whole, all at once."

The next day, Thibodeaux went down to Kliberts reptile farm and bought him the biggest Boa Constrictors they had. He brought the snake to the barn and let him loose. Thibodeaux watched for a long time and the big snake just curled up and slept all day. He didn't even move and the rats just ran everywhere.

So Thibodeaux got frustrated and he called up Boudreaux on the phone, "Boudreaux, man dats some bad advice bout dat snake. Dem rats is still runnin' al around and dat snake jus lays dere sleepin' all day long." Boudreaux says, "Man, Thibodeaux, I know just what to do. Give dat snake some Viagra." Thibodeaux said, "What? Viagra? What's dat gonna do?" Boudreaux said,"I was just listening to da radio and de man say dat Viagra is da best ting to use for a reptile dysfunction."

That's it for now. More soon.

Stay Tuned !

I'm Moving My Family To Mexico

Dear President Obama:

I'm planning to move my family and extended family to Mexico for my health, and I would like to ask you to assist me. We're planning to simply walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and we'll need your help to make a few arrangements.

We plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Calderon, that I'm on my way over

Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:

1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.
3. Please print all Mexican Government forms in English.
4. I want my grandkids to be taught Spanish by English-speaking (bi-lingual teachers).
5. Tell their schools they need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. I want my grandkids to see the American flag on one of the flag poles at their school.
7. Please plan to feed my grandkids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
9. I do plan to get a car and drive in Mexico, but I don't plan to purchase car insurance, and I probably won't make any special effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from their president to leave me alone, please be sure that every patrol car has at least one English-speaking officer.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my housetop, put U.S. flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes or have any labor or tax laws enforced on any business I may start.
13. Please have the president tell all the Mexican people to be extremely nice and never say critical things about me or my family, or about the strain we might place on their economy.
14. I want to receive free food stamps.
15. Naturally, I'll expect free rent subsidies.
16. I'll need income tax credits so that, although I don't pay Mexican taxes, I'll receive money from the government.
17. Please arrange it so that the Mexican Government pays $4,500 to help me buy a new car.
18. Oh yes, I almost forgot, please enroll me free into the Mexican Social Security program so that I'll get a monthly income in retirement.

I know this is an easy request because the U.S. already does all these things for all his people who walk over to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that President Calderon won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.

Thank you so much for your kind help.

Sincerely,
Jimmy

Laugh Lines: A lady walked into a jewelry store and bent over to look more closely at a piece of jewelry, inadvertantly breaking wind. Embarrassed, she looked around to see if anyone had heard the "accident" and prayed that no salesman would come to attend her until the "fog had lifted".

Her worst fears were realized when a salesman came to assist her. Hoping that the salesman was not near at the time, she nervously asked, "Sir, exactly how much is this lovely bracelet?"

The salesman responded, "Lady, if you farted when you looked at it, you're gonna shit when you hear the price."

Two statues were in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other in the park for over 100 years. One day, an angel came down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brought them both to life.

The angel said, "For being so patient over 100 years of blazing summers and brutal winters, I will give you one hour of life to do what you wished the most." He looked at her and she looked at him and together, they ran off behind the shrubbery. The angel waited patiently as the bushes rustled and giggling ensued, and after thirty minutes they both emerged from behind the shrubbery.

The angel said, "Um, you still have thirty minutes left. Would you like to do it again?" He looked at her and said, "Shall we?" She eagerly replied, Oh yes ! Lets ! This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on his head."

That's if for now. More soon.

Stay Tuned !

Lazing On A Sunday Afternoon - Watching The Talladega Nascar Race !

If you like parlor games, you'll really enjoy the newest game called Bullshit Bingo. It's easy to play.

The Rules for Bullshit Bingo:

1. Before Obama's next televised speech, print-out the above bingo card.
2. While he reads his teleprompter out-loud, check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words or phrases.
3. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!"

There's Nascar racing at Talladega Super Speedway today and if you like excitement, tune in to NBC because the race will be starting at 1:00 pm (EST) and the Nationwide race will run after the Sprint Cup race. This is a race that you really don't want to miss!

Laugh Lines: One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to his daughter, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. The rancher's daughter takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when his daughter sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."

The man, assuming he is dealing with a naive young farm girl, asks, "Tell me Miss, how do you know that this is the right cow to be bred?'' The girl says, "That's simple, by the nail that's over its stall." Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?" The girl smiles, turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

That's it for now. More soon.

Stay Tuned !

Tiger Woods Nike Commercials Parodies

If you think the new Tiger Woods Nike Commercial is controversial, take a look at these parodies from YouTube (Mute the playlist music on my sidebar).

Calvin Klein could save a few bucks with this ready to roll new fragrance campaign.

Morgan Freeman and John F. Kennedy have some choice words and advice for Tiger. (via Morning Moose, from Lazer 103.3 radio station.)

Laugh Lines: An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said "Do you men know Jesus Christ?" They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers asked why. The worker yelled "his wife is here with his lunch".

That's it for now. More Soon.

Stay Tuned !

Kevin Harvick Wins The Budweiser Shootout - Danica Shines !

The Nascar Championship season began Saturday afternoon with Daytona 500 pole qualifying and veteran Mark Martin won his first Daytona 500 pole. Dale Earnhardt Jr qualified on the outside pole giving team owner Rick Hendrick sole possession of the front row. The Twin 125 mile qualifying races on Thursday will determine further positions for next Sunday's Daytona 500.

The ARCA 200 was run following the Sprint Cup qualifying and the crowd was buzzing over Indy car racer Danica Patrick's stock car debut, wondering how Danica would handle the switch from the lightweight Indy cars to the heavier stock cars. A record six women started the race and Patrick, along with Jennifer Jo Cobb, both ran very competive races. Lack of seat time and experience was the determining factor for the ladies, but both showed potential.

There were multiple wrecks in the early laps and Bobby Gerhart, a four time Daytona ARCA 200 winner took the early lead of the race. Midrace, Danica Patrick, who was running in an admirable seventh position, was forced into the infield by rookie Nelson Piquet, who evidently was unaware that Patrick was beneath him. The result was a wild, high speed spin through the infield. Patrick handled the spin like a veteran, keeping the car off the wall and running through the infield.

Patrick's car was fairly undamaged and after a series of repairs, she was still on the lead lap running at the back of the field. A later caution flag for wrecks allowed Patrick to catch back up to the field where she remained competitive. Bobby Gerhap held off James Buescher and Mark Thompson to win his fifth ARCA 200. Danica Patrick finished in a respectable sixth position.

The Budweiser Shoutout at Daytona International Speedway kicked off the Nascar Sprint Cup Championship season and the race was very interesting. I expected a little more separation between the cars because of the new rules, but they ran in a very competitive pack right from the start. A proverbial chess game of moves and strategy kept positions two through ten constantly changing, but Kevin Harvick put his Chevrolet in front right from the start and was never headed.

The race ended under an anticlimactic caution flag as Jeff Gordon dumped second place Greg Biffle on the final lap causing a big wreck. Gordon has had a tendency to stick his nose into the flay numerous times in the past, and as usual, he came out smelling like a rose as he was able to avoid Biffle after dumping him.

All in all, it was a tense and interesting race and the Shootout looks like an indication of what will come in next Sunday's Daytona 500.

Laugh Lines: Ole Larson is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in North Dakota. He drives to North Dakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow farts. Ole is very surprised. He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again.

Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and takes it home. When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey, Sven, come look at this here new cow I just bought. Pull her teat, and see what happens." Sven reaches under, pulls the teat and the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought this here cow in North Dakota, didn't yah?" Ole is very surprised since he had not told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, "Yah, Thats right. But how'd you know?" Sven says, "My wife's from North Dakota."

That's it for now. More soon.

Stay Tuned !

New Los Angeles Driving Exam

There are certain things that just strike me funny and the following application for a California driver's license is one of them. For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam.

Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area. Here it is below:

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:

Name:______________ Stage name: ________________

Agent:______________ Attorney:__________________

Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ___both

If female, indicate breast implant size: ____Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___

Please list brand of cell phone: ________.

If you don't own a cell phone, please explain:________________________

Please check hair color: Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum BlondeTeenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)

[ ] Eating [ ] Applying make-up [ ] Talking on the phone [ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat [ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs [ ] Tanning [x] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application) [ ] Watching TV[ ] Reading Variety [ ] Surfing the net via laptop

Please indicate how many times:

a) you expect to shoot at other drivers ____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ____

If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:

a) Call the police to report the crime
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only)

In the event of an earthquake, should you:

a) stop your car
b) keep driving and hope for the best
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4

In the instance of rain, you should:

a) decelerate by 5 mph
b) drive twice as fast as usual
c) you're not sure what "rain" is

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?

a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:

a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more

When stopped by police, should you:

a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk good old boy got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

That's it for now. More soon.

Stay Tuned !

Happy New Year !

Happy New Year To all my family, friends and readers. For those of you who opted to imbibe last evening, I hope your hangover runs it's course quickly. I do recommend checking your foreheads for any scratches or impressions made from the lampshade that you so cleverly decided would look funny as a hat.

2010 will hopefully be more prosperous and healthy for all. Assuming that the economy rebounds this year, I'm sure that everyone looks forward to better times.

As for the White House and Congress, I hope that they can get through 2010 without screwing the American public as little as possible. For those of you who are interested, I am starting a write-in campaign to have Dr. Jack Kevorkian nominated as the White House and Congressional physician.

For your New Year's dining and dancing pleasure I give you the following scenario for your consideration and comments:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 45 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Liberal Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

Conservative Answer:

BANG!

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

click....(sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?

That's it for now my little sharpshooters. Have a great day and more soon!

Stay Tuned!