Kevin Harvick Wins The Budweiser Shootout - Danica Shines !

The Nascar Championship season began Saturday afternoon with Daytona 500 pole qualifying and veteran Mark Martin won his first Daytona 500 pole. Dale Earnhardt Jr qualified on the outside pole giving team owner Rick Hendrick sole possession of the front row. The Twin 125 mile qualifying races on Thursday will determine further positions for next Sunday's Daytona 500.

The ARCA 200 was run following the Sprint Cup qualifying and the crowd was buzzing over Indy car racer Danica Patrick's stock car debut, wondering how Danica would handle the switch from the lightweight Indy cars to the heavier stock cars. A record six women started the race and Patrick, along with Jennifer Jo Cobb, both ran very competive races. Lack of seat time and experience was the determining factor for the ladies, but both showed potential.

There were multiple wrecks in the early laps and Bobby Gerhart, a four time Daytona ARCA 200 winner took the early lead of the race. Midrace, Danica Patrick, who was running in an admirable seventh position, was forced into the infield by rookie Nelson Piquet, who evidently was unaware that Patrick was beneath him. The result was a wild, high speed spin through the infield. Patrick handled the spin like a veteran, keeping the car off the wall and running through the infield.

Patrick's car was fairly undamaged and after a series of repairs, she was still on the lead lap running at the back of the field. A later caution flag for wrecks allowed Patrick to catch back up to the field where she remained competitive. Bobby Gerhap held off James Buescher and Mark Thompson to win his fifth ARCA 200. Danica Patrick finished in a respectable sixth position.

The Budweiser Shoutout at Daytona International Speedway kicked off the Nascar Sprint Cup Championship season and the race was very interesting. I expected a little more separation between the cars because of the new rules, but they ran in a very competitive pack right from the start. A proverbial chess game of moves and strategy kept positions two through ten constantly changing, but Kevin Harvick put his Chevrolet in front right from the start and was never headed.

The race ended under an anticlimactic caution flag as Jeff Gordon dumped second place Greg Biffle on the final lap causing a big wreck. Gordon has had a tendency to stick his nose into the flay numerous times in the past, and as usual, he came out smelling like a rose as he was able to avoid Biffle after dumping him.

All in all, it was a tense and interesting race and the Shootout looks like an indication of what will come in next Sunday's Daytona 500.

Laugh Lines: Ole Larson is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in North Dakota. He drives to North Dakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow farts. Ole is very surprised. He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again.

Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and takes it home. When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey, Sven, come look at this here new cow I just bought. Pull her teat, and see what happens." Sven reaches under, pulls the teat and the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought this here cow in North Dakota, didn't yah?" Ole is very surprised since he had not told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, "Yah, Thats right. But how'd you know?" Sven says, "My wife's from North Dakota."

That's it for now. More soon.

Stay Tuned !

New Los Angeles Driving Exam

There are certain things that just strike me funny and the following application for a California driver's license is one of them. For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam.

Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area. Here it is below:

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:

Name:______________ Stage name: ________________

Agent:______________ Attorney:__________________

Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ___both

If female, indicate breast implant size: ____Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___

Please list brand of cell phone: ________.

If you don't own a cell phone, please explain:________________________

Please check hair color: Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum BlondeTeenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)

[ ] Eating [ ] Applying make-up [ ] Talking on the phone [ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat [ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs [ ] Tanning [x] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application) [ ] Watching TV[ ] Reading Variety [ ] Surfing the net via laptop

Please indicate how many times:

a) you expect to shoot at other drivers ____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ____

If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:

a) Call the police to report the crime
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only)

In the event of an earthquake, should you:

a) stop your car
b) keep driving and hope for the best
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4

In the instance of rain, you should:

a) decelerate by 5 mph
b) drive twice as fast as usual
c) you're not sure what "rain" is

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?

a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:

a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more

When stopped by police, should you:

a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk good old boy got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

That's it for now. More soon.

Stay Tuned !

Happy New Year !

Happy New Year To all my family, friends and readers. For those of you who opted to imbibe last evening, I hope your hangover runs it's course quickly. I do recommend checking your foreheads for any scratches or impressions made from the lampshade that you so cleverly decided would look funny as a hat.

2010 will hopefully be more prosperous and healthy for all. Assuming that the economy rebounds this year, I'm sure that everyone looks forward to better times.

As for the White House and Congress, I hope that they can get through 2010 without screwing the American public as little as possible. For those of you who are interested, I am starting a write-in campaign to have Dr. Jack Kevorkian nominated as the White House and Congressional physician.

For your New Year's dining and dancing pleasure I give you the following scenario for your consideration and comments:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 45 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Liberal Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

Conservative Answer:

BANG!

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

click....(sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?

That's it for now my little sharpshooters. Have a great day and more soon!

Stay Tuned!

Merry Christmas And Happy Holidays To All

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of my family and friends. May the coming year be safe and and brighter for all.

Stay Tuned !