The democratic primary elections are just about over and the candidates are beginning to ponder over possible vice presidential running mates. Barack Obama has decided that he will select "Podium Al" Sharpton as his vice presidential nominee, citing Sharpton's willingness to come to the aid of the people in times of conflict and axe them to remain calm.
Obama's choice for secretary of state will be Flavor Flav, the handsome and witty rap star who is currently featured on the well respected TV Guide channel with some Amazon blonde bimbo. In an unrelated incident, Barack Obama announced his personal agenda in Newsweek magazine.
Hillary Clinton has decided that her vice presidential selection will be her husband, Bill Clinton. In an interview today, she reasoned that if Bill's gonna be staining any dresses in the Oval Office, it might as well be hers. When reminded that she only wears pant suits, she said she'd forego the pants. Her choice for secretary of state will be Monica Lewinsky, whose office will be permanently moved to Baghdad, Iraq. In an unrelated incident, Hillary was pictured in this month's Time magazine showing off her new boob job.
Person Of The Year
Newsweek announced today that their Person of the Year will be the Reverend Jeremiah Wright, the personal mentor of Barack Hussein Obama. His selection, based on his tireless efforts to bring the races together in harmony, was a unanimous decision by the judges, comprised of the members of the Detroit Pistons basketball team.
New Cure For Jimmy's Old Timers Disease
Brother Kirt, who has always chided me for my inability to remember names, has discovered an easy way to help me with my problem and sent me the following graphic:
The Pictures: Today being April 1st, it is only fitting to show you some headlines that we'd all like to see.
This Date In History: 1621; Massasoit, chief of the Wampanoags, and John Carver, governor of Plymouth Colony, sign the first peace treaty between Native Americans and Pilgrims. 1789; The newly estabished U.S. House of Representatives holds it's first full meeting. 1957; Swiss spaghetti grower, Loof Lirpa, announced that the heavy snows severely damaged the spaghetti harvest raising the price of spaghetti to $10 per pound. 1972; The first major league baseball players strike in the U.S. begins. 1979; Following a referendum, Iran is declared an Islamic Republic by the Shiite Muslim leader Ayatollah Khomeini. 1984; Singer Marvin Gaye is shot to death by his father in Los Angeles. 1999; Nunsvut becomes the third independent territory in Canada, it is the homeland of Canada's Inuit, who comprise the vast majority of the population of Nunavut.
Birthdays: My Sweet Nicole - Happy Birthday Nikki ! (19XX), Eduard Leopold von Bismarck, Prusso-German statesman and chancellor of the German Empire (1815), Sergy Rachmaninoff, playwright (1873), Edgar Wallace, writer (1875), Lon Chaney, Jr, actor known as "The Man of a Thousand Faces" (1888).
The Hits Just Keep On Coming:
The Monkey and the Martini
A man walks into a tavern, takes a seat at the bar and orders a dry martini. When the drink arrives, the man takes a sip and places the drink on the bar. He notices a monkey sitting at the end of the bar nursing a beer.
Suddenly, the monkey stands up on the bar and walks over to the man. The monkey then proceeds to squat down and put his balls in the man's martini.
Outraged, the man calls the bartender over and says, "Bartender, that damned monkey just put his balls in my drink." The bartenders says, "I'm sorry, sir, I'll replace the drink for you." Calming himself, the man takes a sip of his martini and places the drink on the bar.
Once again, the monkey gets on top of the bar, walks down to the man and places his balls in the martini. The man angrily stands up and goes for the monkey, who promptly scampers over and hides between the piano player's legs. The man thinks to himself, 'that damned monkey belongs to the piano player and I'm going to give him a piece of my mind.'
The man walks over to the piano player and says, "Do you know your monkey's been putting his balls in my drink?" The piano player replies, "I don't have the sheet music for that, but if you hum a few bars, I'll try to play it."
That's it for today my little April fools. More tomorrow.
Stay Tuned !