Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Jimmy's Handy Dandy Guide To Today's Tax Deadline !

Today is April 15th, tax day, and I'm here to help you with tax information, ideas and tips. First and foremost, we can thank George Bush for making it easier for people to do taxes this year. No job, no income, thus, no income taxes due this year. Bush, himself, is saving a lot on taxes this year, he's writing off his entire second term.

There are two forms that you use when filing your taxes, the short form and the long form. If you use the short form, the government gets your money. If you use the long form, the accountant gets your money.

Keep in mind that there are additional deductions for the blind. Just remember to check the box marked blind as you fill out your return. 

Everybody is doing their part to make the 12:00 deadline tonight. The IRS is staying open until late, the post office is accepting tax returns until the last minute and even the hookers are helping. For an extra $50.00, they will handle your extension.

It is necessary to know how to spend your $600 tax rebate when you receive it so that the money stays in economic circulation. If you spend it at Walmart, all the money will go to China. If you spend it on computers, all the money will go to Korea or India. If you spend the money on gasoline, all the money will go to the Arabs. None of these scenarios will help the U.S. economy.

Therefore the only way to invest the money in the United States is wine, women and song, which I highly recommend.

There you have it my little pencil sharpeners, Jimmy's handy, dandy tips for income tax evas...., er, preparation. You'll thank me later !

The Pictures: This being tax day, I thought I'd just throw in a few serene photographs aimed at repairing your mental health after the tax day lobotomy.

This Date In History: 1865; President Abraham Lincoln dies after being shot the previous night at Forbes Theater in Washington, D.C. Vice President Andrew Johnson is sworn in as president. 1912; The British luxury liner Titanic sinks after colliding with an iceberg. It is among the worst maritime disasters in history, with over 1,500 dead. 1947; Jackie Robinson becomes the first Black in the 20th century to play in a major league baseball game. 1986; In retaliation for the terrorist bombing of a Berlin discotheque, the United States launches an air raid against Li, killing nearly 40 people. 1990; The enigmatic Swedish film actress Greta Garbo dies in New York.

Birthdays: Leonardo Da Vinci, Florentine artist, painter, sculptor, architect, engineer and scientist (1452), Bessie Smith, blues singer (1894), Evelyin Ashford, track and field athlete (1957).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My pal, Garnett, never fails to send me something of interest and today it's......

The Blind Salesman

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She is unsure of what to buy, so she grabs the closest one and takes it to a salesman wearing dark glasses at the counter.

She says, "Excuse me sir, can you tell the price of this rod and reel?" The salesman relies, "Madam, I'm completely blind, but if you'll just drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything by the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him, but drops it on the counter anyway.

The salesman says, "That's a six foot Shakespeare graphite rodwith an Abu Garcia reel. It's a good combination and it's on sale this week for $40.00"

The woman says, "It's amazing that you can know all that just by the sound of it hitting the counter. I'll take it." As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. She bends down to pick up the card and accidentally passes wind.

At first, she is really embarrassed, but then realizes that there is no way that the blind clerk could tell it was she that tooted, since he couldn't know if there were other people near the counter.

The clerk rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $54.50" Confused, the woman says, "I thought you said the rod and reel was $40.00?"

The clerk responds, "Yes Ma'am, the rod and reel is $40.00, the duck call is $11.00, and the catfish bait is $3.50"

And From Jimmy's Corner

A man who was called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice. The account told him. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you're a pauper."

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'

But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"  The Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.

That's it for today my little tax dodgers. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !


garnett109 said...

I'm Screwed Already. LOL!

lsfp1960 said...

I think I'll be using my $600 on the "Good Ship Lollipop" sailing from LA and arriving in Maimi on November 2nd.    Already spent my fairly large refund on things around the house and the 5 week road trip.  Linda in Washington  

nhd106 said...

As for the serene pics...what the hell is up with the 2nd one?

: )

shrbrisc said...

ok I may do the wine, and singing but I am leaving the woman to you my dear

luvrte66 said...

Perhaps the tax rebate would best be spent in Vegas. You'd lose it all, but you'd have a helluva time....


ma24179 said...

I will probably put my towards credit cards. Love the jokes :) (((HUGS))) -Missy http://journals.aol.com/ma24179/MISSYZSTUFF

robinngabster said...

Didn't even realize it was tax day til this evening.  LOL.   We file as soon as we get hubby's W2.