It's A Good Day to Party !

Yay Friday! Thanks for arriving on time! I've been preparing for your arrival all week! Actually, I start preparing for Friday on Saturday morning.... well, afternoon, 'cause that's when I normally wake up after Friday nights.

So, we're off this evening to AREA 51, probably to Lakes Cafe and Pub, since it's karaoke night. But you know me, I start out heading to one place and occasionally I get waylaid on the route.

Today's Thought: AOL has it's good points and it's bad points. I started out with AOL and quite frankly, I'm not going to change because it just takes too damned long to learn a new site. AOL Journals, specifically, Magic Smoke finally got up to speed with its words to describe your state of mind (moods, for the hard of understanding). I must congratulate the people at Magic Smoke, beginning with Joe Loong and currently Vish and Malika for their continuing efforts to help us. We need all the help we can get.

I appreciate my father more and more lately, not only for the fact that he served his country in World War II and the small fact that he and my mother managed to raise three children past the age of 21 with no apparent shortcomings, but for deeper reasons as well.

I recall the fact that he wasn't very smart when I was young but acquired a lot more knowledge by the time I was an adult. Go figure! I recall that he seemed un-coordinated and moreover, he talked to himself. I was twelve when I discovered he talked to himself and I told mom! After my mother wiped the tears of laughter off her face, she remarked that I might understand when I got a little older.

Well, I got a little older. I talk to my cat, Shithead. I talk to the television set. I not only talk to myself, I also answer back. I cannot carry a cup of coffee from point A to point B without spilling a bit. Don't even ask about bathroom marksmanship! If I need to pass gas, I think about it very carefully before attempting to do so.

I go from my computer to the kitchen for a specific reason. Upon arrival, I have no idea why I'm in the kitchen. When I remember the reason, I'm sidetracked by another flash idea that has entered my head. I act upon the flash idea, resolve two more issues and then return to the computer. At this point in time I realize I did not my resolve my original mission in the kitchen. It is probably how I get the bulk of my exercise as I wander about the house. Yeah, I appreciate my Dad a lot more now that I've become him. Thank God some things still work!

The great Harvey Korman passed away yesterday at the age of 81. His acting credits including The Carol Burnett Show and movies such as Blazing Saddles and High Anxiety, will immortalize the very talented Mr. Korman. Rest in peace Harvey, you'll be missed. It would also be appropriate to remember Dick Martin star of Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In, who passed away May 24th at the age of 86. Rest in peace, Mr. Martin.

Here's a classic skit from The Carol Burnette Show called "The Dentist" featuring Harvey Korman and Tim Conway. In typical Korman style, Harvey is beside himself trying not to laugh at the very funny Conway.

                        

The Cat's Ass Trophy has no nominees as yet this week. I will, however, nominate Michelle Malkin for her idiotic and publicity-seeking over-reaction to the scarf worn by the Food Network's Rachel Ray. The nominations are open to everyone and will end Monday at 12:00 noon.

The Pictures: Here are pictures of Harvey Korman and Dick Martin in their heyday. By the way, speaking of AOL, take a peak at some pictures I've acquired <grin> of some of the offices in India where the techs work while helping us out with our computer problems. Finally, since it's the weekend and I like to party in AREA 51, I have drinks for the ladies (you know who you are). Enjoy! 

This Date In History: 1431; After being captured by Burgundian troops, French military leader Joan of Arc is burned as a heretic in Rouen, France. 1783; The Pennsylvania Evening Post and Daily adventurer is the first daily newspaper to be published in the United States. 1911; Ray Harroun wins the first Indianapolis 500 automobile race. 1971; The U.S. space probe Mariner 9 was launched to Mars. It becomes an artificial satellite of another planet when it orbits Mars the following November.

Birthdays: Howard Hawks, film director, writer and producer  (1896), Irving G. Thalberg, motion-picture executive (1890), Cornelia Otis Skinner, actress (1901), Benny Goodman, jazz clarinetist and orchestra leader (1909), Alexei A. Leonov, Soviet cosmonaut and artist (1934).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: This public service aimed at informing you of pregnancy and childbirth issues continues. The following contains the remaining questions and answers designed to assist you during your pregnancy. For those of you who did not read the first part of this series, please refer to Thursday's entry.

Pregnancy - Part Deux

Q. Is there any reason I haveto be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.

Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college

That's it for today my little Stray Cats (and kittens). Have a great and safe weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

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Panhandling - Will Write Journal For Money (or free) !

San Francisco is going to employ an idea aimed at ridding the streets of panhandlers. Currently in use in Denver, Colorado and Portland, Oregon, the idea is to use machines similar to parking meters to donate change to charities who aid and care for the homeless. Both Denver and Portland report a drop in the number of panhandlers on the city streets.

Although I feel for the plight of the homeless, I've seen too many signs and been approached by too many people who use panhandling as a business. If you doubt this, try asking a panhandler to lunch and watch him "crawfish" away.

                       

There's a conservative dickweed named Michelle Malkin, who raised hell about a Rachel Ray commercial for Dunkin' Donuts. Ray, the Food Network star, is seen wearing a paisley scarf which bears resemblance to a keffiyeh, the traditional headdress that Arab men wear.

                      

Malkin, a Fox News pundit, wrote in a recent column that the keffiyeh "has come to symbolize murderous Palestinian Jihad." She failed to mention that many non-terrorist Arab men also wear them. Dunkin' Donuts representatives responded that the scarf was selected by her stylist and that no symbolism was intended. Dunkin' Donuts did however, pull the advertisement from any upcoming airings.

Malkin, a "Filipino-American" (aren't we all), has been referred to as an "Asian Ann Coulter." She is married to Jesse Malkin, a former economist of the Rand Corporation. Jesse Malkin's photograph has been impossible to find on the Internet. His being married to Michelle may be an excellent indication as to why. It is rumored that her husband greatly affects and/or ghostwrites what she has to say.

                                    

                                              Michelle Malkin

While I'm certainly anti-terrorist, the moronic statement by Malkin suggesting that Rachel Ray is promoting terrorism is ridiculous at best. In an AOL poll of over 107,000 people, 92% agreed with that line of thinking.

Perhaps Malkin should spend more time planting trees in her husband's beloved Israel and less time worrying about Rachel Ray's attire. Could Ray's scarf be any worse than those Israeli beanies?

Today's Thought: OPEC sells oil to the United States for over $130 a barrel. The United States sells OPEC grain for $7 a bushel. My solution? Sell OPEC grain for $130 a bushel. What? You can't afford it? Tough shit, eat your oil !

The Pictures: Celebrities make a ton of money endorsing products and services. There's a good possibility, however, that you were not aware of some celebrity endorsements I discovered.

This Date In History: 1453; Ottoman forces under Sultan Muhammad II storm Constantinople, capital of the Byzantine empire. The empire falls and the city becomes the capital of the Ottoman Empire. 1790; Rhode Island becomes the 13th state. It is the last of the original colonies to ratify the Constitution. 1854; U.S. President Franklin Pierce signs the Kansas-Nebraska Act, creating two new territories. Settlers of the territories would determine the legality of slaveholding. 1953; New Zealander Edmund Hillary and Sherpa Tenzing Norgay of Nepal are the first men to reach the summit of Mount Everest, the world's highest mountain.

Birthdays: Charles II, King of England, Scotland and Ireland (1630), Patrick Henry, orator, statesman and leading patriot of the American Revolution (1736), Bob Hope, comedian and film actor (1903), John Fitzgerald Kennedy, 35th president of the United States (1917), Al Unser, automobile racer (1939).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: As a public service, this journal author has investigated pregnancy and childbirth. The following are a series of questions and answers designed to assist you during your pregnancy.

Pregnancy - Part I

Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.

Q. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?

Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

That's it for today my little nutmegs. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

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"To The Hump, To The Hump, To The Hump, Hump, Hump !"

Wow ! Hump Day already ! With Monday off and a restful Tuesday, today, like The Lone Ranger, just kinda slipped up on me. So, I was sitting here trying to figure out exactly what my entry would contain and I kept drawing a blank. My mind kept wandering off (and then I'd have to get up and get it) and I couldn't seem to concentrate. Therefore, I decided to just go with it and see where my wandering little mind would take me.

My first stop was my video collection and I started watching the videos until I came upon one that I had completely forgotten about. Watching this youngster also reminds you that if you really try and concentrate, you can do anything.

                                                                

Methinks that baby is a boy because he seemed to take pleasure in his accomplishment. I'm sure that his father will train him well, beginning with every lad's first experience with his father, the old "pull my finger" trick. For some reason, my guess that this tradition has been passed on from father to son for many generations.

It's Hump Day so I'll be heading to AREA 51, the exact location of which remains in the air. I'd like to go by Lakes Cafe for happy hour, but by the same token, I also feel like playing dominoes. Who knows, maybe one of my lady friends will call and then it will really be destination unknown ! We'll see.

Some Think Obama Can Walk On Water but I've got pictures on how "the great exaggerator" does it..... 

                       

The Pictures: My pal, Garnett, was "itching" to sent me these pics of the Olympic Gardens in Beijing, China. I've added a few "different"  photographs as well. 

This Date In History: 1929; "On With The Show", the first talking movie that is all in color debuts at New York City's Winter Garden theater. 1934; The identical Dionne quintuplets are born in Ontario, Canada. The girls are made wards of the government and put on display at a theme park called Quintland. 1980; The first Islamic parliament, the Majlis, opens in Iran. 1987; West German Mathias Rust flies a private plane unchallenged through Soviet airspace and lands in Moscow's historic Red Square.

Birthdays: William Pitt, British prime minister (1759), Thomas Moore, poet (1779), Jim Thorpe, athlete (1888), Ian Flemming, British novelist and creator of the character, James Bond (1908), Jerry West, professional basketball player and coach (1938).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

Get a glimpse into life far into the future, in the year 2056...

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formally known as California.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2058.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise are the keys to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed,they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2057.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest taxrate at 75 percent.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped!

Florida voters still don't know how to use a voting machine

That's it for today my little Jetsons. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

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They Call It Stormy Monday But Tuesday's Just As Bad

Tuesday gets the black hat for this week as Monday was promoted in status to be the finale of the Memorial Day weekend. So it's "Tenacious Tuesday" ( pronounced two's-day for the hard of understanding and Dubya Bush) the stepping stone to Hump Day.

Big Brown, winner of the first two legs of the Triple Crown has suffered a cracked hoof. Friday, after exercising, trainers discovered a three-quarter inch crack on the inside of his left food. The crack was stitched with stainless steel wire on Monday and the colt was exercising on the track today. Trainers feel that the colt will not be affected by the crack and still plan to run him in the Belmont Stakes on June 7th.

I'm beginning to realize that growing older can be fun if you just have the right attitude. My Perfect Martini reminded me that there are even more fun games that we can play. Some of my favorites are; 1) Sag, you're it 2) Hide and go pee 3) Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says bend over 4) Simon says something incoherent.

She also reminded me that fortune and luck are still a big part of life although the rewards are a bit different. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. An all-nighter means not having to get up to pee. Getting a little action means you don't need fiber today. Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of her face.

See ? This journal is not all fluff. We offer information and public services, as well. All in all, brain cells come and go, but fat cells lives forever.

On CNN today, they aired a Canadian video of a street monkey who stole a semi truck and threatened to use it to blow up a bridge. When they cornered him, as usual, the idiot bolted and ran. In the USA, there would always be the possibility of escape. In Canada, it's legal to use whatever means that is necessary, and they ran his ass over. I't doesn't get much better than that !

Then there's the story about the blonde who entered the library........

                                                         

The Pictures: Today's photographs are beautiful butterflies. I'm always surprised at the intricacy of their colors and how fragile they are. When you see them flying, they seem to have no apparent destination but sooner or later they land and do whatever butterflies do. I used to date a girl like that with the same agenda.

This Date In History: 1647; The first recorded execution of a witch in America takes place in Massachusetts. 1637; The Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco opens. At the time of completion it is the longest suspension bridge in existence. 1994; Nobel Prize-winning author Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn returns to live in his native Russia after 20 years in exile.

Birthdays: Julia Ward Howe, author and reformer (1819), Wild Bill Hickcock, frontiersman, marksman and law enforcement officer (1837), Hubert Humphrey, vice president of the United States (1911), Henry Kissinger, first foreign-born citizen to be secretary of state (1923).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: If you know me, you know how I feel about politicians and attorneys. Here's a Q&A to help you further understand how I really feel.

Q.How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A. Other lawyers look interested.

Q. What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.

 

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A. You can negotiate with a terrorist.

 

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

 

Q. If you drop a snake and an attorney off a building, which one hits first?
A. Who cares?

 

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A. Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer points.

 

                                    

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer looked over to the driver, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting.

 

The trooper slowed and yelled to the driver, "Pull Over!" The blonde smiled and yelled back, "No, it's a scarf."

 

That's it for today my little gerbils. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

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Memorial Day

Happy Memorial Day to all of you and especially our men and women in the armed forces, past and present, who have protected the security and safety of the United Sates of America.

The Indianapolis 500 winner was Scott Dixon, whose luck finally turned around Sunday. Dixon lost the IRL championship last year on the last turn of the last lap of the last race. There were several potential winners in the field, including Vitor Meira and Marco Andretti, who finished second and third, respectfully. Front runner's included Tony Kanan, Dan Wheldon and Danica Patrick. all of whom either crashed or had mechanical problems.

Patrick was taken out in the pit lane by a bonehead move from Ryan Briscoe, who lost control of his car exiting pit lane and hitting Patrick. None too pleased by the move, Patrick was quickly out of her car and walking toward the pit of Briscoe for a little tete-a-tete when officials stopped her. She's a small woman, but with the look she had on her face as she approached Briscoe's pit, I'm relatively sure she meant business!

Kanan was "taken out" by Marco Andretti, who, according to the "experts", forced Kanan into the wall. As I saw it, Kanan left the inside open and Andretti filled the spot. It may be Indy protocol not to "dive-bomb" for the inside at such speeds, but I feel Kanan should have been able to continue on the outside, through the turn, without losing control.

Sadly, after the initial hit, Kanan came off the wall and into the path of Sarah Fisher, eliminating her from the race. Understandably, Fisher was in tears after the incident, mainly due to the fact that her sponsor for the year never delivered the funds that were contractually agreed to, leaving her in dire financial straits for Indy and ostensibly, for the rest of the season.

The Charlotte 600 was a wild event and the final laps were a series of accidents and blunders. At the checkered flag, Kasey Kane was the victor after a 52 week drought from winner's circle. Greg Biffle, Kyle Busch, Jeff Gordon and Dale Earnhardt Jr rounded out the top five.

Earnhardt, along with Stewart and Busch, ran extremely well during the race and there were a multitude of other front runners who left the final outcome in doubt. Earnhardt led quite a few laps until a tire leak forced him to brush the wall. His car didn't seem to be severely damaged until J.J. Yeley crashed into him from behind, a stupid move that even Stevie Wonder could have avoided.

Tony Stewart seemed to have the race won until a slow leak developed with three laps to go. His tire eventually went down, forcing Stewart to pit and effectively handing the race to Kahne. All of the top five, along with Stewart, early leader Kurt Busch and a few others all drove smart races. Stewart, Earnhardt and Kahne were the class of the field.

Barack Obama Lama-Ding-Dong, thought by many to be the second coming of Christ, is a Harvard graduate. Some democrats want him to be be president. It's uncertain who will be president, but whoever he or she will be, my hopes are that history, geography and mathematics will be one of their fortitudes. The mind is a terrible thing to waste.....

                      

I'm not adverse to Mr. Obama being president. I feel with speeches like these, he'll be a credit to his followers.

The Cats Ass Trophy, ironically, had no nominees until this weekend when....

Jude nominated Hillary Clinton, who, when asked why she was dragging out the democratic presidential race, stated that Bill Clinton did not secure the nomination until June and then stupidly referred to the assassination of Bobby Kennedy in 1968. Then.......

Garnett nominated Barack Obama, a Harvard graduate, for his uncanny skill in determining the total number of states in America. Perhaps he was counting united states and un-united states.

It's amazes me that just when you think it's safe to back into the gene pool, you realize you need to give the two democratic presidential candidates another mental enema. Imagine my disappointment that all that John McCain could come up with was disassociate himself with another one of our religious(?) leaders.

Being an equal opportunity judge, I, along with my cat and co-judge, Shithead have voted to give the CAT Award to all three candidates. Like many other contests in J-Land, since it's my game, I decide who gets the award whether it is merited or not. Congratulations to candidates Obama, Clinton and McCain.

The Pictures: The Indianapolis 500 and the Charlotte 600 winners and highlights. In addition, 1+1=2, are you one? Ok, there's a few "others".

This Date In History: 1868; The impeachment trial of U.S. President Andrew Johnson ends. The Senate fall one vote short of the two-thirds majority needed to convict him of high crimes and misdemeanors. 1896; The Wall Street Journal begins publishing the Dow Jones Industrial Average. 1972; Richard Nixon, the first U.S. president to visit the Soviet Union, signs a peace treaty limiting antiballistic missile sites. 1998; The U.S. Supreme Court rules that most of Ellis Island, former gateway for immigrants to America and now a museum, belongs to New Jersey, not New York.

Birthdays: Dorothea Lange, photographer (1895), Al Jolson, actor and singer who starred in the Jazz Singer, the first motion picture with synchronized sound (1886), John Wayne, actor (1907), Robert Morley, actor (1908), Sally Ride, astronaut (1951).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The

During a rock climbing expedition, an accident occurred as some of the grappling hooks holding the climbers, gave way. This left six climbers clinging precariously to the swinging rope suspended from the mountain. Five of the women were blonde and one was a brunette.

As a group, they decided that one of the party should let go. If that did not happen, the weight on the rope would cause more of the hooks to give way and everyone would perish.

For an agonizing few moments, no one volunteered. Finally, the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others. All five blondes applauded.

The young man at the bar spotted an older woman and sent her a drink. The woman smiled and invited the young man to join her. As things progressed the subject of intimacy came up and the woman asked the man if he was interested in meeting her at her apartment.

The woman said, " I don't want you to be intimidated, but I want you to know that having sex with me will be just like taking a SAT test. Be there on time, do the best you can and when I say 'time's up' put your little pencil down."

That's it for today my little chicken pluckers. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

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It's Memorial Day Weekend - Let's Party !

Whoo Hoo ! Today starts the long and exciting Memorial Day weekend and I'm rearing to go! It's karaoke night at Lakes Cafe and Pub and I'll be heading to AREA 51 to hang out with my pals and maybe sing a song or two. Well rested and re-energized after Tuesday and Wednesday jaunts, I'm looking forward to this evening's festivities and a long relaxing weekend. 

In auto racing, we've got the NASCAR Charlotte 600 and the Indianapolis 500 both happening this weekend and that alone is quite a bit of entertainment. Both races are giants on the racing schedule and I expect non-stop action in both races.

In addition, my pal, Beth, advised me that A&E is showing a re-make of the film "The Andromeda Strain" which will air in two parts, with part one beginning Monday evening. If the remake is as good as the original movie, it should be good.

As A Public Service to my readers, I am always searching for any useful product or tool that will aid or assist you in the social world. As we all know, socializing and dining out are a big part of every day life, but with that comes the social responsibility to refrain from exercising some bodily functions while among others.

Well sit back and relax, my cute little flatulators, I have the newest product on the market for your review and comments.

                                                                   

This brings the term 'downloading a ringtone' to new lows !

The Cats Ass Trophy: There have been no nominees for this week's CAT Award and in a way, that's good. It's kinda nice to have a few days when the assholes go underground for a bit. But fret not, my little nominators, we've got until Monday at noon for one of them to crawl out from underneath a rock and piss us off. Keep your eyes peeled !

The Pictures: You may say to yourself, 'Self, I've seen all the movies that are out there.' Wrong, popcorn breath ! I've got a few that haven't quite made the silver screen yet, but they may be on the horizon. Take a look at these movies that never quite made the cut.

This Date In History: 1785; In a letter, Benjamin Franklin describes his latest invention, bifocal glasses. the upper portion of the lens is ground for distance and the lower part for reading. One hour later he misplaces them. 1873; The North-West Mounted Police (now the Royal Canadian Mounted Police) is established as Canada's national police force. Officers are popularly called Mounties. 1934; Notorious partners-in-crime Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow, commonly known as Bonnie and Clyde, are shot to death in a police ambush in Louisiana.

Birthdays: Douglas Fairbanks, film actor and producer (1883), Artie Shaw, jazz clarinetist, bandleader and composer (1910), Anatoly Karpov, chess player (1951).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: For those of you who remember the original Hollywood Squares, I bring you a flash from the past with host Peter Marshall's questions posed to the panelists:

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

 

Q. How high should you be before parachuting out of an airplane?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

 

Q. True or false? A pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Goebel: Boy, it sure seems that way, sometimes.

 

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take over three words to say 'I love you?'

A. Vincent Price: No, I can say it with a pineapple and twenty dollars.

 

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two things at a nudist camp. One is politics. What is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

 

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with a man kissing another man?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

 

Q. According to Cosmopolitan magazine, if you meet an attractive man at a party, is it ok to ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

 

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?  

A. Marty Allen: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

 

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are the two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

 

Q. Your having a problem falling asleep. You're probably a man or a woman?

A. DonKnotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

 

That's it for today my little bacon bits. Have a great and safe Memorial Day weekend. God Bless America and our soldiers, past and present, who have protected us. More on Monday.

 

Stay Tuned !

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A Laid Back Thursday !

As if you didn't know, David Cook was last night's winner of American Idol besting young David Archuleta by 12 million votes. More than 97 million people voted in this year's contest and both singers were worthy of being finalists.

I don't watch any of the preliminary rounds of the contest mainly because Randy is anal, Paula is always in la-la land and, of course, Simon Cowell is an asshole. But once they're done milking the show of every drop of hype they can extract, I usually watch the finals.

I do, however, find it unfortunate that the nation is more dedicated to this type of soap opera mentality than to electing a president to run our country. Perhaps it's just a way for the people to escape the drudgery of today's horrible economy and everyday life.

My Wednesday trip to Socialville and AREA 51 was subdued and laid back by normal standards. In actuality, I never made it to Lakes Cafe. I stopped by my pal, Emilio's house on my way and I had forgotten the fact that the American Idol finals was on. We ended up watching the show and listening to the excellent array of performers.

Of course, by that time, our friend and spiritual advisor, Johnny Walker Black had arrived and suggested a game of dominoes. As I was still recovering from my Tuesday night escapades with the lovely Nicole, I actually welcomed a slower paced evening.

The Pictures: The pictures today are from Antarctica where a huge surge and subsequent wave broke through the ice and literally froze in midair. The temperature is so cold there that the water freezes the moment it come into contact with the air. Take a look.

This Date In History: 1455; England's 30-year War of the Roses begin with King Henry VI's Lancastrian forces defeated by the Yorkists in the Battle of St. Albans. 1939; German dictator Adolf Hitler and Italian dictator Benito Mussolini sign the "Pact of Steel" establishing a military alliance between their countries. 1972; Richard Nixon becomes the first U.S. president to visit the USSR. 1992; Johnny Carson ends his thirty year reign as the popular host of television's "The Tonight Show." 2003; Golfer Annika Sorenstam tees up for the Colonial tournament, becoming the first woman to compete in a PGA Tour event since Babe Didrikson in 1945.

Birthdays: Richard Wagner, composer and conductor (1813), Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, physician, novelist and detective-story writer, best known as the creator of the master sleuth, Sherlock Holmes (1859), Laurence Olivier, actor, producer and director (1907).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The

During mealtime on a flight on a British Airways plane, the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row, "Would you like dinner?" The man asked, "What are my choices?" The flight attendant replied, "Yes or no."

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any better?". The attendant replied, "I'm afraid not ma'am. they're dead."

A college teacher, reminding her pupils of tomorrow's exam, said, "Listen to me. I won't tolerate any excuses for missing this exam. I might consider a serious personal injury or a death in the family, but that's it! No other excuses whatsoever."

A smart-ass guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with the other hand."

                                 

That's it for today my little tootsie rolls. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

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