Thursday, August 7, 2008

You Have The Liberal, The Conservative And Then There's The Southerner

Everyday, on the local evening news, you see the same thing over and over. Street monkeys car jacking someone's car, robbing a liquor store or shooting someone. What would you do if it happened to you? Here's the scenario:

You're walking with your spouse and two small children in the parking lot of a restaurant. Suddenly, a street monkey runs up to your wife, knocks her down, grabs her purse and runs, dragging your wife. You are armed with a Glock 45 and you are an expert shot. What do you do? Here are the answers:

Liberal: That's not enough information to answer the question. Is the man poor or oppressed? Does he speak English? Have I done any thing to inspire him to attack me? Have I violated his civil rights? Has society denied him justice? I need to debate this with friends to come up with a fair and unbiased decision.

Conservative: Boom! Stop or I'll shoot!

Southerner: Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! click..... (sounds of reloading), Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! (Daughter) "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those Winchester Silver Tips?"

I like sweet tea! My mom made sweet tea almost every day and I make sweet tea almost every day. I'm having one minor problem. My sweet tea doesn't taste like my mom's sweet tea. I try using one tea bag more, one tea bag less, one teaspoon of sugar more.....bumkus! It tastes ok, it's just not mom's tea. Anyone have any suggestions?

No Nativity Scene In Washington, D.C. The Supreme Court has ruled that there will be no nativity scene this year. The reason is not based on religious reasons - they simply cannot find three wise men and a virgin in Washington. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

The Pictures: I love my cat, Shithead, but it wouldn't hurt if he got a part-time job and helped out with the monthly bills. Take a look at these animals at their part-time jobs.

This Date In History: 1934; The United States Court of Appeals rules that James Joyce's novel "Ulysses" is not obscene and may be brought into the U.S. 1942; United States Marines land at Guadalcanal in the Solomon Islands, making the first assault of U.S. Troops on Japanese positions in the Pacific Ocean. U.S. forces finally capture the island in February 1943.

1961; Soviet cosmonaut Gherman Totov completes 17 orbits of the Earth in 25.5 hours in Vostok 2, becoming the first person to spend more than a day in space. 1964; After two reported North Vietnamese attacks on U.S. warships, the U.S. Congress approves the Gulf of Tonkin Resolution, giving President Lyndon Johnson the power to launch the Vietnam War.

Birthdays: Mata Hari, Dutch courtesan (prostitute) and dancer, who was executed by France as a German spy in World War I (1876), Ralph Bunche, scholar and diplomat (1904), Nicholas Ray, film director (1911), Garrison Keillor, writer and radio host (1942), Alan Paige, football player (1945).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

This Just In: An earthquake measuring 8.1 on the Richter Scale has hit Mexico City. 150,000 Mexicans have died and another 1,000,000 have been injured.

Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican army with riot control. The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending 150,000 replacement Mexicans.


Juan the smuggler rode his bicycle up to the border crossing with a bag over his shoulder. The border patrol officer said, "What's in the bag?" Juan replied, "Sand." The officer opened the bag and, sure enough, it was filled with sand."

This continued on a daily basis. Each day Juan would ride up to the border on his bicycle with a bag over his shoulder and each day the officer would examine it, only to find sand.

One day, Juan didn't show up at the border and the officer happened to run into him at the local cantina. The officer said to Juan, "Hey Buddy, I know you're smuggling something and it's driving me crazy. Tell me what you're smuggling and I will not arrested you for it.

Juan smiled and said, "Bicycles."


That's it for today my little nutty buddies. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !


garnett109 said...

Lemon and honey in your sweet tea or just go to a fast food joint I think they murdered it.

lsfp1960 said...

I happen to like the Sweet Tea that McDonalds is serving these days~$1 for a big old container of it & they put a lid on the cup & throw in a good is that?   And just what would expect P.S.H. to do if he did lower himself to find gainful employment.  A cat that sophisticated can't do just anything, don't 'cha know!!   Linda in Washington where the sun is shining a nice breeze is blowing.

pm71blackfen said...

Well Jimmy, as a Londoner born and bred my mum would be ashamed that I drink only coffee!  Everyone says that English tea is the best, I'll take their word for it as I haven't drunk tea for years!  Now I'm wondering, would your sweet tea be the same as our tea with sugar in it?!  Have you drunk English tea before?  If you care to send me your address I'll send you some English tea so that you can compare! ~~ Pat, in not-very-August-like Kent, England.

rjsisti said...

Sorry, I basically a coffee drinker........can't help with the Sweet Tea dilemma.

Hugs, Rose

bamawmn46 said...

Are you using the same brand of tea, making it in the same type of pot, or cooking it the same amount of time??  All those things make a difference in the flavor....

Living in Bama, we drink a lot of sweet tea!


shrbrisc said...

LMAO yep the only thing wrong with the story about the southerners is it would be the woman doing the shooting lol and I would suggest you let the tea set for a few minutes before you mix the sugar ..

jmorancoyle said...

    I suggest McDonald's sweet tea.

jeanno43 said...

Congratulations on being an Editor's Pick.  I am new to your journal back I will be back.
Well done.

lurkynat said...

hugs Jimmy! You get more funny every day!
very interesting story btw