Mondays Make Me Stutter !

Friday night's foray into AREA 51 began at my friend Emilio's house, where I stopped in for a cocktail. We were joined shortly thereafter by his daughter and her boyfriend and the four of us went to Lakes Cafe and Pub for the karaoke show. Arriving around 11:00, the place was full and going strong. Karaoke was hopping and I had a few requests, but I told them I was going to sing anyway. I went onstage a little later and sang "Georgia On My Mind." We had some cocktails and some snacks and left about 1:00 am.

We went to The Billiards Club next and I ran into several of my lady friends and pals who had arrived minutes earlier. It's always fun to see everyone and by that time of the evening, most were in rare form. Everyone wanted to shoot a few games of pool, so we got a table in the V.I.P. section, ordered some more food and enjoyed several games.

When we returned to Emilio's house, someone (I think it was me) suggested playing a few games of dominoes. I'm not real sure what time I got home, but suffice to say the newspaper had already been delivered and I didn't need to use my headlights on the way home.

Maybe I'll get a newspaper route for Saturday mornings because I get home after Friday nights around that time. On second thought, my drinking partner, Johnny Walker Black, would probably get all the addresses mixed up.

Macrida Patterson, a 52 year old California woman, is suing Victoria's Secret charging that she hit in the eye by a decorative metallic object that flew off a thong she was trying on. She claims her cornea was severely damaged causing her to miss several days at work.

Let me first say that any woman named Macrida shouldn't be wearing a thong. Secondly, at age 52, if you have not mastered the art of putting on your panties, you shouldn't be allowed to purchase same. Thirdly, and this personally selfish, I hope she wins her suit. If she wins, I will file suit immediately because I have suffered facial injuries caused by thongs as well.

George Carlin died of heart failure Sunday after complaining of chest pains. The 71 year old comedian was hospitalized in Santa Monica, California in the afternoon and died later that evening.

I first saw George Carlin on Rowan and Martin's Laugh in" where he played the "hippy dippy weatherman." I always enjoyed his humor and will miss him. Rest In Peace, George.

Scott Kalitta, NHRA drag racing champion, was killed Saturday at Old Bridge Township Raceway Park in Englishtown, New Jersey, when his funny car burst into flames and crashed during qualifying trials. Kalitta was traveling at nearly 300 miles per hour when the flaming car crashed. The son of drag racer Connie Kalitta and brother of drag racer Doug Kalitta, Scott had recently returned to drag racing after taking time off to spend with his family. Rest In Peace, Scott.

The Cat's Ass Trophy had two late nominees on Friday, thereby keeping my faith alive in the old adage, "there's always someone somewhere.".

Garnett nominated Young Jeezy, a rapper who was arrested on June 18 and charged with DUI, speeding, reckless driving, no tags, driving with an open container and no proof of insurance.

Jackie nominated her Adobe Flash Player and/or her computer for continuing to malfunction causing her pain, suffering, cramps, insomnia, mild swelling of the ankles, itching, overdrawn checks, unbearable grief, inflammation of her fingernails and an eerie desire to plant eggplants and okra.

The judges have ruled as follows: Young Jeezy is disqualified by CAT Award rule 69a, section N, paragraph 3 which expressly states that all mediocre rappers, who by definition would qualify for the CAT Award on a daily basis, cannot win said award for the mere reason of redundancy.

Therefore, thereby, nearby, thence, hereto and hereafter, the CAT Award goes jointly and severally to Jackie's Adobe Flash Player and her stupid computer. The judges also rule that Jackie, at her option, may shoot and kill both without any fear of prosecution, persecution or percussion.

The Pictures: AOL seems to dislike my choice of pictures today because they won't upload or Jackie's computer got wind of the CAT Award and is taking out it's revenge. Either way, todays pic's are pending.

This Date In History: 1611; The mutinous crew of English explorer Henry Hudson, after a harsh winter with their ship frozen in Hudson Bay, puts Hudson and eight others adrift in a small boat. They are never seen again. No calls, no emails, no postcards....nothing! 1845; The Congress of the Republic of Texas agree to join the United States, following the wishes of the republic's leading figure, Sam Houston. 1917; After Boston's pitcher Babe Ruth is ejected for arguing the walk given to the games first hitter, reliever Ernie Shore retires 27 straight men (actually 26 because the first base player was gay) and is credited with a perfect game.

Birthdays: Alfred Kinsey, sex researcher (1894), Bob Fosse, choreographer and director (1927), Wilma Rudolph, American track and field and the first American woman to win three track and field gold medals in a single Olympic Games (1940).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A couple of drinking buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hangar at Logan Airport. It's fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?" The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and that it will kinda give you a buzz."

So they drink it, get smashed and have a great time like only drinking buddies can do. The following morning, one of them gets up and is surprised he feels good, in fact, he feels great - no hangover! The phone rings, it's his buddy.

The first buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?" His friend says, "I feel great!!"The first buddy says, "I feel great too!! You don't have a hangover?" His friend says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - we ought to do this more often."

The first buddy says, "Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing....." His friend asks, "What's that?" The first buddy says, "Have you farted yet?" His friend says, "No, why" The first buddy says, "Well, don't because I'm in Phoenix!"

Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound.

Miss Annabelle says, "You just wouldn't believe what they have in New York City. They have men there who kiss other men on the lips. They're called homosexuals" Her friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my!"

Miss Annabelle continues, "They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips. They're called lesbians." The girls gasped.

Then Miss Annabell says, "And there are men in New York City who kiss women between the legs. The girls lean forward on the edge of their chairs and exclaim in unison, "What do they call them?" Miss Annabell says, "Once I caught my breath, I called him Precious."

That's it for today my little kiddy kats. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

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