I Am A Candidate For President !

You may have learned through the media (or possibly email) that I have declared my candidacy for President of the United States. I can assure you that I will not represent the rich, the oil companies, fourth generation welfare recipients or Olympic swimmers and track and field athletes who have ran cross-country or swam the Rio Grande in search of a way to overburden our schools and hospitals.

No, my little tax payers, I will represent the middle class, hard working people who are overtaxed via the sin taxes of drinking and/or smoking. The workers who are paying federal taxes on gasoline so that they can drive to their AREA 51 sites each weekend for rest and recreation. These taxes are the sole support of all the freebies offered to the people. Naturally, the rich are tax exempt and the poor can't even spell 1040a. 

With that in mind, I leave this evening for a political rally in AREA 51 to allay the fears of the voting public and quite possibly, lay down my platform. Once I am elected, the White house will, in fact, remain a White House. It will not be the Retirement House nor The Crib. This has been an unpaid political announcement for the election of Jimmy for President, Possum S. Hemmingway, treasurer.

California Fires are nearing the scenic tourist town of Big Sur. Firefighters are fortifying their lines near populated areas but were letting the fire rage nearly unchecked through the forests. The blaze in the Los Padres National Forest is only about three percent contained and the massive redwoods are in peril. I've been there several times and it would be a disaster to lose these magnificent trees.

The Cat's Ass Trophy Award is still open for nominations this week and we have one nominee as of today. Linda has nominated Varsha Sabhani of New York who was recently sentenced to 11 years in prison for enslaving and abusing her two Indonesian housekeepers for years. This will undoubtedly have an adverse affect on the quantity of our AOL technicians.

I have faith, my little wicked ones, that you will dig up additional nominees from under a rock for this week's CAT award. Nominations are open until Monday at High Noon. After that, Tex Ritter will sing "Do Not Forsake me" (what?).

The Pictures: Shots of the Big Sur fire are among the pictures today. Ok, maybe there's a weird one in the mix.

This Date In History: 1787; In Lausanne, Switzerland, Edward Gibbon completes the sixth and final volume of his Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, one of the great works in the English language. 1844; American religious leader Joseph Smith and his brother Hyrum, imprisoned in Illinois for treason and conspiracy, are taken from jail and killed by a mob. 1950; After the UN Security Council votes to repel the invasion of South Korea by North Korea, President Harry Truman orders U.S. forces into battle for South Korea.

Birthdays: Charles Stewart Parnell, Irish nationalist (1846), Paul Laurence Dunbar, poet (1872), Helen Keller, author and lecturer (1880), Ross Perot, businessman and politician (1930), Isabelle Adjani, actress (1955).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Today's jokes are rated R, but you know you're going to read it anyway, so why in hell am I even typing this?

One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of Florida to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs.

Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?"  To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very cold!"

The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to getting here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the ladies commode, wait for a pretty young stewardess to come along, and when she sits down you climb right up in there where its nice and warm".

The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was. The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?"

The second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the ladies commode and this pretty stewardess came in and sat down, I climbed right up in there and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!

Newsflash: Today the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 PM last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going and going, "Pinkie" as he was known to his friends and family was alone at the time of his death.

An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and  coming...

                     

That's it for today my little animal crackers. Have a safe and great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

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