My thanks to all of those who have sent me emails this past year, especially to my pal, Victor, who shared the following information with me. Since the information fit me to a tee, I thought I'd pass it along to you.
I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about the rat shit in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to the little sick girl (I think her name is Penny), who is about to die in the hospital for the 87,745th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.
As if this is not enough, when I get my share of the $7 million from Barack O'bama's cousin, the senior bank clerk in Nigeria, who wants to split it with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate, I'll be set for life.
I no longer worry about my soul, because 363,216 angels are looking out after me because I didn't break the prayer chain and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of you, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Mexico, Jamaica and Nigeria.
I learned that if I don't forward my email to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with diarrhea will land on my head at 5:00 p.m. and the fleas from 1,000 camels will infest my sister. I know that this is absolutely true because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's gay hair dresser.
By the way, a South American scientist (isn't that an oxymoron?), after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with low IQ, who have infrequent sexual activity, always read their emails with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late !
Breaking News: Special Social Alert; I will not be going to AREA 51 this evening due to the self-inflicted mental and physical abuse suffered over the past weekend. Be prepared, however, for my intended presence this Friday.
On The Political Frontlines: CNN, an Atlanta based 24 hour news station also known as Detroit South, reports that pollsters found that voters, when asked if they were voting for Barack O'Bama, replied that they were, but once inside the voting booth did not do so (Ya Think?).
The Pictures: More from the mysterious cache I discovered yesterday with a dash of my mischievous alter ego thrown in. I put some of my best stuff in, too !
This Date In History: 1788; Connecticut becomes the 5th state. 1839; French painter L. J. M. Daguerre announces to the French Academy of Arts and Science, the first practical photographic process. 1929; The Seeing Eye started in Nashville, Tennessee, to train guide dogs for the blind. 1951; The United Nations headquarters open. 1969; Joe Namath "guarantees" the Super Bowl III win for the New York Jets over the Baltimore Colts,16-7.
Birthdays: Richard M. Nixon, 37th president of the United States (1913), Gypsy Rose Lee, American Vaudeville entertainer (1914), Lee Van Cleef, actor (1925), Joan Baez, American folk singer (1941), Jimmy Page, rock guitarist (1944).
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Puns - Part Deux
Sea captains don't like crew cuts. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. A gossip is someone with a sense of rumor. Without geometry, life is pointless. When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination. Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. Dijon Vu - the same mustard as before. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Most Wanted: (I will apologize in advance, but I couldn't resist this one).
Israeli police are looking for a man name Joseph, wanted for looting in the port city of Haifa. The suspect is described as the son of an ex-nun from Barcelona and a German father. He was a former flutist and worked occasionally as a farmer.
In short, he was a "Haifa-lootin, flutin Teuton, son of a nun from Barcelona, part time plowboy Joe."
If you think that was bad:
Roy Rogers and Dale Evans were at their ranch and Roy had just returned from watering the horses. He took off his new boots and left them outside so he wouldn't track any mud into the house.
When he went outside to retrieve the boots he discovered a mountain lion gnawing away at his new boots. The lion abruptly ran away.
Outraged, he went back inside and told Dale what happened. He promptly grabbed his rifle and went after the lion. Shortly thereafter, he returned carrying the dead mountain lion on his shoulder.
Dale Evans, hearing Bullet barking at her husband's return, went out on the front porch. When she saw her husband, she exclaimed, "Pardon me Roy, is the the cat that chewed your new shoes?"
That's it for today my little tinker toys. More tomorrow.
Stay Tuned !