Let's Bring In A Safe And Prosperous 2008 !

This is it ! 2007 will make its exit tonight and a new year will begin. If you watch the TV coverage at the Times Square party in New York City, look for me in the crowd. I won't be there, but it will keep you busy. I'm going to a private party this evening with some good friends from AREA 51, which for the most part should be a laid back affair. Of course, knowing our group, one really never knows for sure. But this particular evening is definitely not a night to be competing with those who normally don't drink and so we concede the evening and the highways to them.

One of the reasons you'll never see me at a Times Square new year's party is that, in order to find a decent spot to observe the festivities, one must arrive early. That considered, arriving at 6-7 p.m. to obtain said spot, the question of restrooms arise. As a male, I'm sure I could figure a way to find a suitable pole or corner to resolve any problems. If you happen to be female, I have no idea how you would resolve the problem. The females that I know wouldn't last thirty minutes !

Consequently, the area becomes a large outhouse and combined with some of the element that I've seen at those parties on television, I'm quite content to watch the affair on television. Nevertheless, here's a shot of the Waterford Crystal ball that was used in last years party. Kinda makes you wanna pee, doesn't it?

                     

The Pictures: Highway Robbery ! Odds and ends from this year's pics along with a few I pilfered from other journals and some that you actually sent me at my normal discounted rate. I'm sure some of you will recognize your own Mona Lisa's. There's blatant and cryptic hellos and messages as per my wont and.... you know who you are !

This Date In History: 1775; The During the first phase of the American Revolution under generals Benedict Arnold and Richard Montgomery are defeated by the British defenders of the city of Quebec in Canada. 1879; Thomas Edison first publicly demonstrates the electric light bulb. 1890; New York's Ellis Island opens to all immigrants to the United States. 1946; U.S. President Harry Truman officially announces the end of World War II.

Birthdays: Henry Matisse, French artist (1869),  George Marshall, American military commander (1937), Anthony Hopkins, British actor Ben Kingsley, British actor (1943).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: I ran this joke in the past and I liked it so much that it's back for an encore.

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden in their Wyoming ranch. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet  and pure his little girl was.

 

He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly, she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

 

She asked,"Daddy,what are those two spiders doing?" Her father replied, "They're mating." The Little girl said, "What do you call the spider on top?" The father answered, "That's a Daddy Longlegs."

 

"So,the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?",the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

 

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback-Mountain shit in our garden".

 

Jimmy's Big Fight

One night, after a long evening of partying and drinking, Jimmy departed AREA 51 at Lakes Cafe, as usual. On his way home he spotted a nun walking down the road. After looking at her twice, he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living snot out of her.

Some people passing by  spotted this and called the police. As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs, he looked back and said: "Awww shucks, Batman, I thought you'd be tougher than that."

                      

That's it for today my little champagne drinkers. Have a safe and happy New Year and more tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

Party Hardy But Party Smart - Your Life May Depend Upon It !

This is the last Friday of the year that you can add to your partying statistics for 2007. Think of it as the final game of the regular season and you may have the chance to break any of several records that you currently own, not to mention existing world records.

Remember, this is the final tune-up for New Year's Eve and you want to hone your skills so that you are at the top of your game. Categories such as Worst Karaoke Performance, Best Slurred Word, The Most Trips To The Restroom, and DUI Of The Year are at your fingertips and  among the many goals that you might attain tonight.

The players and I, in AREA 51, want to remind you that between today and January 1, 2008 there will be many people on the road  who rarely drink with the exception of New Year's Eve. If there is ever a day not to drink or at least drink moderately, this is the day. The danger of idiots celebrating the new year by shooting guns into the air notwithstanding, New Year's Eve is amateur night by all standards.

I suggest you go online and look at your local and national headlines from New Years Day 2007 to recount the countless number of people killed or injured on New Year's Eve and base your partying accordingly.

Odds and Ends: Rosie (O'Fat Ass) O'Donnell, in a magazine poll conducted by Parade, was voted the most annoying celebrity by a 2-1 margin over runner-up Paris Hilton (do tell).... There is evidence (shoe print) suggesting that the Bengal tiger that killed one man and mauled two others did not get out by himself and was possibly goaded and taunted by the trio (the thought did pass my mind)....

                                      

The Pictures: Today's pictures reach a new plateau as some of the most beautiful photographs from around the United States and the world bestow their majesty upon us. Taken from different mountain ranges and national parks, I think you'll enjoy these along with the "usual suspects".

This Date In History: 1832; John C. Calhoun becomes the first U.S. vice president to resign from office, citing political differences with President Andrew Jackson and a desire to fill a vacant Senate seat in South Carolina. 1869; The North American labor union Knights of Labor hold the first Labor Day ceremony in American History. 1869; William Semple of Ohio patents chewing gum. 1945; The U.S. Congress officially recognizes the pledge of allegiance and recommends its recitation in American classrooms.

Birthdays: Woodrow Wilson, 28th president of the United States (1856), Dame Maggie Smith, British actress (1934), Denzell Washington, actor (1954).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: From my pal, Beverly;

Out Of The Mouths Of Babes comes the answer to the question, "What Is Love ?" (Ostensibly, responses by children ages 4 to 8)

Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go  out and smell each other ~ Karl (age 5)

Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken ~ Elaine (age 8)

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth ~ Billy (age 5)

Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs ~ Chrissy (age 6)

Love is what makes you smile when you're tired ~ Terri (age 4)

Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him to make sure it tastes ok ~ Dannyy (age 7)

If you want to learn to love better, you should start with people that you hate ~ Nikka (age6)

When you love someone, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you ~ Karen (age 7)

Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day ~ Mary Ann (age 4)

You really shouldn't say "I love you" unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget ~ Jessica(age 8).

                                 

That's it for today my little Dixie cups. Have a safe and great weekend and more on New Year's Eve.

Stay Tuned !

Thoughts From New Year's Eve Past !

This time of year, between Christmas and New Year's day, there is always a conflict between me and my alter ego . It's not overly conflicting, it's just that I am a mature, sensible businessman but I'm going through my second childhood and I like to party. It's a symbiotic relationship, which brings me to my current dilemma in preparation for 2008. While I'm trying to get my books and records prepared for next year, on the other hand, I would like to purchase a new jacket for the New Year's eve party. You're sick. I know ! What?

In the interim, while I try to solve the conflict between the two egos, my thoughts drift to past New Years parties at which I have either performed and/or attended. One, in particular, involved a situation where I was performing with a band at one party and also had a particularly attractive invitation from a lady who was having a party in another city, thirty miles away.

Once again, the two egos were involved and I was obligated to play until 1:00 a.m., however, the lady was extremely attractive and made me promise her that I would attend.

The question boiled down to: How does one have his cake and eat it too? Oddly enough, the answer was quite simple and right in front of my eyes. The performer who was scheduled to perform after me was a really good musician and friend. He was also involved with the lady who had hired us to perform. I asked him if he thought the hostess would mind if I stayed for the remainder of the party and invited a few friends.

He spoke to the hostess and she agreed, so I called the young lady in waiting and told her that we had received a special invitation from my musician friend to attend a gala party in Miami where he was performing and she could bring her friends. Although, in concept, my idea worked perfectly, the hostess was a bit overwhelmed when my lady friend arrived with thirty people in tow.

It also turned out that the two women knew each other and I had an immediate sinking feeling. Fortunately, mostly due to the late hour and the spirit of the New Year, both my musician friend and I were pardoned by the ladies and placed on probation. The conditions of the parole was that we take them on a weekend vacation in the Bahamas Islands and believe me, hell hath no fury like a woman shopping in the duty free shops in the Bahamas at our expense. Hey, it was worth a shot !

The Pictures: Faces of societies and cultures was the inspiration behind today's photographs. Browsing a site today, I came across a series of oddities which struck my fancy and so, from my mind to your eyes, I present today's find. Just to spice it up a little, I've also added a public service announcement that I like to call Q & A.

This Date In History: 1831; British naturalist Charles Darwin begins a five year voyage to South America and the Pacific as naturalist on the HMS Beagle. 1932; The Radio City Music Hall opens in New York City. 1945; In the aftermath of World War II, foreign ministers from the former Allied nations of the the United States, The Soviet Union and Great Britain agree to govern Korea jointly for five years. 1968; The first manned mission to the moon, Apollo 8, returns to earth safely.

Birthdays: Louis Pasteur, French chemist and biologist (1822), Sidney Greenstreet, British actor (1879), Marlene Dietrich, actress and singer (1901)

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

An attractive blonde sits down next to a man at a bar who is watching the evening news. There is coverage of a man who is threatening to jump off a bridge.

The man says to the blonde, "I'll bet you $50 that the man jumps." The blonde responds, "Ok, I bet that he doesn't jump." No sooner does the words leave her mouth, the man jumps to his death.

The blonde reaches into her purse, takes out $50 and extends it to the man. The man smiles and says, "I can't take your money." The blonde says, "Why not?" The man replies, "Because, I watched this on the twelve o'clock news."

The blonde says, "I watched the twelve o'clock new as well, but I didn't think he would jump again."

On a serious note, I received this story today and it touched me. I hope it touches you as well.

Author and lecturer, Leo Buscalgia once talked about a contest he was once asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had just recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed on his lap, and just sat there.

When his mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen" ~ Bobby (age 7) ~

That's it for today my little billy goats. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

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Two Days Of Parties And Now, Humpday? Go For it !

Although today is officially Hump Day, a substantial amount of this week's social energy supply has already been utilized. Fortunately, like any athlete preparing for the playoffs, I am at the top of my game and prepared for another week. Then, of course, after the first of the year, I go to the Sears Organ Transplant Center to have new body parts installed for the coming season.

Christmas Eve, I went to see my friends, Emilio and Melina, to have the traditional "Noche Buena" fare, which usually consists of roasted pork, roasted turkey, black beans and rice and a variety of different Cuban dishes which I thoroughly enjoy. There was a beautiful full moon and that particular night, Mars was aligned so that it seemed to sit right beside the moon. A beautiful sight indeed ! So, we ate along side of our pal, Johnny Walker and conversed until the wee hours. For those of you that received emails from my email address around 4:00 a.m., the culpability rests on Mr John E. Walker, who dictated the messages to me and forced me at bottle point to send them.

Christmas day, I was up at the crack of 11:00 a.m., and after locating most of my body parts and clothing, I heated up some of the roast pork from the night before and Shithead and I ate it. I went over to Lydia and Al's house that evening, accompanied by my Pal, Dr. Marc and his lady friend, Rosie. We had a nice time and you won't believe this, but the esteemed Mr. Walker was at that party, too ! Coincidence? I think not.

Which brings me back to Hump Day. At this time of this entry there's a good chance that I'm going to AREA 51 at Lakes Cafe to see my pals. I don't think I'll stay late, but you know me.... We'll see !

The Pictures: Some photographs of New York City populate the menu list today, along with some odds and ends that I keep forgetting to enter. If it seems a little eclectic today, it's only because I'm eclectic.

This Date In History: 1776; American forces under George Washington raid British Hessian mercenaries at the Battle of Trenton, Pennsylvania. 1865; The coffee percolator is patented. 1941; Winston Churchill becomes the first Prime Minister to address a joint meeting of the U.S. Congress.

Birthdays: George Dewey, American naval officer who commanded a fleet of six ships to victory in the Battle of Manila Bay during the Spanish-American War (1837), Mao Zegong, founder of the Peoples Republic of China (1893), Henry Miller, American writer (1891), Richard Widmark, actor (1914), Steve Allen, comedian and musician (1921).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:  Never step on a duck!

Joe Bob, Jim Bob and Billy Bob are greeted in heaven by St. Peter. "We have only one rule," he says. "Never step on a duck"

But upon passing through the Pearly Gates, they're surrounded by thousands of ducks, and Joe Bob steps on one. The duck quacks and soon, all the ducks are quacking.

"I warned you not to step on a duck," admonishes St. Peter. He shackles Joe Bob to a ferocious looking 260 lbs Amazon woman for all eternity.

Jim Bob steps on a duck and gets tethered forever to a Brute 6 foot 6 redheaded Viking woman.

Billy Bob thinks, poor ole Joe Bob and Jim Bob. And learns to watch his step. So St. Peter chains him to an absolutely gorgeous girl.

"Wow!" exclaims Billy Bob. "What did I do to deserve this?"

"I don't know about you," says the buxom beauty. "But I stepped on a duck."

                            

That's it for today my exhausted little mall rats. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

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Merry Christmas

Best Wishes For A Happy Holiday And Prosperous New Year

                       

 

Twas The Night Before Christmas !

Today reminded me of the poem, "The Night Before Christmas" written by Clement Clarke Moore (1779-1863). It is also known as "A Visit From St. Nicholas" and was written in 1822. Prior to the writing of the poem, Saint Nicholas, the patron saint of children, was never associated with sleighs or reindeer.

Believed submitted to the New York Sentinel by family friend, Miss H. Butler, it was published December 23, 1823, under the condition that the author remain anonymous. It was an immediate success and Moore claimed credit to the poem in 1844, when he included it in a book of his poetry. The traditional reading of the poem on Christmas Eve has remained a world tradition ever since.

My parents read the poem to us on many a Christmas Eve and the images created in a child's mind was (and is) a power that far exceeds any computer today or that will ever be.

My intent was to print the poem today, if only to recreate in my mind, the wonderful visions that ran through my head as my mother read the story to me. As I was searching the Internet for the poem, I came across a parody which gave me even further insight as to what was possibly going through my mother's mind as she read it to us.

For this reason, I will simply give you a link to the original poem, should you wish to read it. http://www.carols.org.uk/twas_the_night_before_christmas.htm

In its stead, I'll share with you the following entitled;

The Night before Christmas for Moms

                 

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the abode, only one creature was stirring and she was cleaning the commode

The children were sleeping, all snug in their beds while visions of Nintendo danced through their heads

The dad was there snoring, 'front of the TV, with a half finished bicycle, stuck tight on his knee.

So only the mom, heard the reindeer hooves clatter, which made her remark, "Now what is the matter?"

With toilet bowl brush, still clutched in her hand, she descended the stairs, and saw the old man.

He was covered with ashes, which fell with a shrug, "Oh great," muttered mom, "Now I'll clean the rug."

"Ho-ho-ho!" cried old Santa, "I'm glad you're awake, your gift was especially difficult to make."

"Thank you dear Santa, but I want time alone." Exactly!" he chuckled, "I've made you a clone."

"A clone?" she asked smiling, "Now what good is that? Run along, dear old Santa, I've no time for chit-chat."

"She'll cook, she'll dust, she'll mop every mess. You'll relax, take it easy, watch TV and rest."

"Fantastic!" the mom blurted. "My dream has come true! I'll shop, I'll read, I'll sleep the night through! "

From the room up above, the youngest did fret. "Mommy? Come quickly, I'm scared and I'm wet."

The clone turned and called, "I'm coming,sweetheart." - "Hey", the mom smiled, "She does know her part."

The clone changed the small one, and hummed a sweet tune, as she bundled the child, in a blanket cocoon.

"You the best mommy ever.  I really love you." The clone smiled and sighed, "and I love you, too."

 The mom frowned and said sadly, "Sorry, Santa, no deal. That's my daughter's love that she's trying to steal."

Santa smiled wisely, "To me it is clear, only one loving mother, is needed in here."

The mom kissed her child, and tucked her in bed. "Thank you, dear Santa, for clearing my head."

I sometimes forget, for it won't be long, when they'll be too old, for my cradle-song."

The clock on the mantle began its' slow chime. Santa whispered and uttered, "It works every time."

So Santa smiled softly and bid her goodnight, "Merry Christmas, dear Mother" and slipped out of sight.

~Author Unknown~edited and abridged

The Pictures: My pal, Garnett, sent me these pictures of Christmas trees from all over the world. If I can find where I stored the email, I'll even give you the locations of each picture. In the interim, most of the locales are fairly easy to ascertain.

This Date In History: 1814; Great Britain and the United States sign the Treaty of Ghent, formally ending the War of 1812. 1851; A fire at the Library of Congress in Washington, D.C., destroys about two-thirds of its 55,000 volumes, including two-thirds of Thomas Jefferson's personal library. 1906; The first radio program is broadcast.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A man goes to his blonde girlfriend's house and when he enters he finds she has adopted two puppies. He pets them and says, "They're cute. What's their names?" The blonde replies, Rolex and Timex."

The man says, "How could you possibly call them Rolex and Timex?" The blonde replies, "Duh ! They're watchdogs !"

                     

That's it for today my busy little elves . Merry Christmas to you and your families. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

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The Partying Starts Right Now !

Other than Christmas Eve and New Years Eve, today will probably be the party day of December. From office parties to the local watering holes, the rowdies will be at large and that's fine with me. The office parties that linger, then filter into the happy hour crowd are usually the most fun.

This is the day when the mild and the meek, mostly rare drinkers, put on their party hats and let their hair down. This normally leads to some really bad karaoke performances that are hysterical. Groups of three, four and five potential singers, most of whom have never held a microphone in their lives, sing their favorite songs to the shrills and shrieks of fellow employees.

Although most of the players in AREA 51 are not prone to overly party with the amateurs, we do enjoy observing them. By the end of the afternoon or early evening, most of the revelers morph back into pumpkins and usually try to find the most sober in the group to take them home. Of course, occasionally, a stray minnowette will leave the swirling school and wander into AREA 51 and, as gentlemen, we give them an honorary membership for the evening. 

The Pictures: Nostalgia was the inclination that inspired today's photographs. I know most of you don't remember all of these stars of yesterday, but fear not my little popcorn munchers, this isn't the test. The real test is picture number 6, one the first scary movies I ever saw. Name the movie and the way in which it was viewed. You'll get extra credit if you can name the sexy little starlet in the bathing suit ( and no, it's not Honey). So, put on your rosed colored glasses and go to work.

This Date In History: 1620; The first group of colonists disembark from the Mayflower at Plymouth Rock. 1913; The New York World newspaper prints the first modern crossword puzzle in the United States. 1937; The animatedmotion picture "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" premiers. 1956; The U.S. Supreme Court rules that segregation on public buses is unconstitutional. 1968; Apollo 8, the first manned mission to the moon, is successfully launched from Cape Canaveral, Florida, with astronauts Frank Borman, James Lovell Jr., and William Anders aboard.

Birthdays: Joseph Stalin, Soviet leader (1879), Phil Donahue, television talk-show host (1935), Jane Fonda, actress (1937), Frank Zappa, composer and rock musician (1940), Chris Evert, professional tennis player (1954). 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: From my pal, Anne, a Christmas story that only the likes of she and I, and you , my little chipmunks, might enjoy.

A man goes into his dentist's office as something is wrong with his mouth. After a brief examination the dentist exclaimed, "Holy Smoke!!! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded. What on earth have you been eating?"

The man replied, "Well the only thing that I can think of is this...My wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it.  Hollandaise Sauce, she called it.  And, Doctor, I'm talking delicious.  I've never tasted anything like it.  And ever since I've been putting it on everything--meat, fish, toast, vegetables, you name it."

The dentist responded, "That's probably it.  Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive.  I'll have to install a new plate, but this time I'll make it out of chrome."

The man asked,"Why chrome?" The dentist replied , "Well, everyone knows there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise."

                      

That's it for today my little sugar plums. Have a safe and great weekend and more on Christmas Eve.

Stay Tuned !

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Christmas And The Infamous Sears Catalog !

When I was small, in the weeks before Santa came, my brother Kirt, sister Jeanne and I would thumb through the Sears Catalog, a virtual encyclopedia of toys and games mixed in with a lot of useless items like refrigerators, stoves, school clothing and the like. It was like a game where on each page we would take turns having first, second and third picks.

Once every page had been scavenged and signed, we would turn the catalog over to Mom and Dad, who would ostensibly submit our choices to Santa. As the days to Christmas grew closer, we would discuss which toy we would play with first.

As Christmas Eve arrived, I vaguely remember Mom and Dad having clandestine meetings behind the car. During their conversation, they would mysteriously open and close the trunk many times (keep in mind, the trunk of a 1954 Buick could and has held several bodies, or didn't you ever go to a drive-in movie).

When we finally were prepared for bed (not sleep), we were instructed not to leave the room, because we might scare Santa away. We could hear the side door open and shut many times, and every time we heard the door, we knew it must be Santa.

Somewhere during that night of anticipation, we made a pact that the first one up would wake the others. Finally, the Sandman arrived to do his work and we drifted off. The next morning (about 5:30-6:00), we awoke and rushed into the living room to see what Santa had brought. As a courtesy to Mom and Dad, we woke them also and both were just flat-ass overjoyed to hear the news.

I pointed out to Mom and Dad that, although it was ok with me, Santa had drank about four or five of Dad's beers and left them strewn about the house. Mom just smiled and said, "It's ok, son, Dad just left them so Santa would have something to drink with his cookies."

Odds and Ends: I was happy to see a recent picture of little Youssif, the Iraqi boy whose face was horribly disfigured by ignorant assholes for no apparent reason. Thanks to donations that have come in from all over the world, he is able to smile and things will look better after some future operations. 

Rudy Giuliani, a politician whose campaign carries significant baggage, whose total political ability and speeches consist of a verb, a noun and a 9-11 reference, had his lead drop 13 points today. He checked himself into the hospital shortly thereafter, given a clean bill of health and was released (timing is everything). Way to play the sympathy vote, pal.

Barack O'Bama (is O'Bama an Irish name?) has lost more ground to Hillary Clinton. I wonder when he will figure out that you just can't come off the virtual political sidelines and become starting quarterback?

Jamie Lynn Spears is still pregnant and today, at last, someone on "The View" mentioned the question that I raised when I first became aware of the story, to wit: If the boy is an 18 year old adult and the girl is a 16 year old minor, is that or is it not, statutory rape?

The Pictures: For all of you who have wondered what I want for Christmas (and please, keep it below $100,000), I have posted some ideas for you. Others, who astonishingly may have not wondered what I want, there's more pictures of Santa related objects and thoughts for your immediate review. Then again, there's just pictures that I put in to see if anyone is taking notes. Remember, you never know when there is going to be a pop quiz.

This Date In History: 1790; American cotton producer Samuel Slater opens the first American cotton mill. 1803; France formally transfers authority over the territory of Louisiana to the United States. 1820; Missouri passes legislation that taxes single men, aged 21 to 50, one dollar. 1860; South Carolina becomes the first state to secede from the United States, following the victory of Republican Abraham Lincoln in the presidential election. 1880; In New York City, electric lights are installed on Broadway. 1922; The Union of the Soviet Socialist Republics is formed.

Birthdays: Branch Rickey, American baseball executive (1881),  Harvey Firestone, American industrialist (1868), (Jack) John Christiansen, American football player (1928).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: From My Perfect Martini, the remainder of yesterdays anecdotal post's in which airline flight attendants attempt to make flights more interesting.

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
 
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
 
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
 
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
 
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captaintaxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
 
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
 
17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
 
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
 
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
 
20.. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.... OH, My God !" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants !"

A passenger in coach yelled, "That's nothing, you should see the back of mine."

That's it for today my little mall rats. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

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It's Eggnog for Hump Day Dump Day !

Just think, this time next week you'll be sitting in your favorite chair, bloated, nursing a hangover and trying to balance your checkbook from the red side. At the same time, you'll be trying to decide if you want to fight the traffic again for yet another "day after Christmas sale" or to return the things that didn't fit or that you don't like.

You'll find little messages from your subconscious like, "I don't believe Aunt Ethel go so tipsy yesterday after just one eggnog" or "I'm thinking about seriously crippling my mother-in law for buying the kids that shrieking fire engine truck". The Christmas tree is starting to lilt a little, but it still looks nice. The main reason that it's dry is that your animals used the base as a water dish and for some reason, they now have evergreen breath. Thankfully, the dogs have not used it as a port-o-potty.

There's still scattered boxes and wrappings that you haven't thrown away. Your plan to save all the Christmas tags for thank you cards has gone awry because the men in the family pasted them on each other's foreheads and backs after their third or fourth drink on Christmas day.

Yet, despite the chaos that you're going through, you're pretty content with the fact that everything went well. After all, it's only once a year!

Christmas parties, office and otherwise, are on the agenda this week and the Lord only knows who'll be where, but the residents of AREA 51 will gallantly carry the banner wherever we end up. We'll see ! 

The Pictures: Some crazy critters from my perfect martini are today's focus. Since both she and I qualify for this dubious title, I thought I'd pass them along to you. I've put in some of my stranger ones also to add to the madness.

This Date In History: 1776; Thomas Paine publishes the first installment of "The American Crisis". 1777; The Continental Army under General George Washington enters its winter camp at Valley Forge, twenty miles from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. 1950; U.S. President Harry S. Truman names General Dwight D. Eisenhower to command the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) forces. 1975; The Altair 8800, a do-it-yourself computer kit, goes on sale for $397. 1984; Britain formally agrees to return Hong Kong to China after 99 years under British rule.

Birthdays: Ford Frick, American baseball executive (1895), Leonid Brezhnev, Soviet leader (1906), Edith Piaf, French singer (1915), Cicely Tyson, actress (1933).

Odds and Ends: Nice to see the Spears girls are keeping up the good work. As Britney calms down, 16 year old Jamie Lynn is there to pick up the slack to keep the Spears names high on the all time slut list. Jamie recently announced that she is pregnant by her 18 year old boyfriend. Another fine example to show the 9 to 12 year olds who watch her on the television show, Zoey 101. By the way, if the father is 18 and she's 16, theoretically, isn't that statutory rape? 

                                            

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The following is a two-part series of airline attendant announcements from my pal, Vivian, who also seems to have help create a theme for today's post that "Podium Al" Sharpton would call..., You Must Be Out Of Your Cotton-Picking Mind !

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
 
1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
 
2 On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
 
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.
 
4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
 
5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
 
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
 
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
 
8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
 
9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
 
10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

                            

That's it for today my little sleigh bell ringers. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

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My Way To Party For The Holidays !

The holidays are upon us and it is my desire to be a good Shepard. Athough I don't have a coat of many colors, I do have a nice Halston gray suede jacket that should suffice. I have just returned from today's trip around the web and I bring you useful information so that you may spend your holidays in the right mental condition

I have been to the mountain and I have found the answer. Not possible you say? Mais oui, my little croissants ! I have holiday eating tips for you that will make your holidays a delight.

1. Avoid carrot sticks ! Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately and go next door. They're serving rum balls !

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can, and quickly ! Who cares if it has 1,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic. Have a few ! It's later than you think..... it's Christmas !

3. If something comes with gravy, eat it. If there are mashed potatos, don't ask if they were made with 2% milk. Make a small volcano out of the mashed 'taters and load that bad boy with gravy !!

4. Don't have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to have other people's food and drink for free. Hello?

5. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's Day ! You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate and that vat of eggnog.

6. Wear something with large pockets in case you come across something really good at the buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies. Eat as many as you can while at the buffet table, daintily put a couple on your plate and grab handfuls for each pocket. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

7. Do not eat the fruitcake. I know, it's somewhat obligatory, but avoid it. I mean, have some standards.

8. Finally, if you don't feel bloated and half in the bag when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read today's tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by:

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand and a scotch in the other, body thoroughly used up and screaming. "Whoo Hoo, what a ride !"

The Pictures: Finnegan the squirrel is the topic of today's photographs. Debby Cantlon found an infant squirrel, who she cared for and bottle fed. Her unlikely nurse's aide was her pregnant Papillon, Mademoiselle Giselle.

Finnegan, who Ms. Canton plans to release back into the wild upon maturity, was in a nest in his cage just days before Giselle was due to deliver her puppies. Cantlon and her husband watched as Giselle twice dragged Finnegan to her bedside before she gave birth. Canton was concerned, but ultimately allowed Finnegan to remain with Giselle as she delivered her puppies. Two days after giving birth, Giselle encouraged baby Finnegan to suckle along side her five puppies. The pictoral account is an amazing example of inter-species bonding.

This Date In History: 1787;  New Jersey ratifies the U.S. Constitution. 1865; Following its ratification earlier in the month, the 13th Amendment to the Constitution takes effect, ensuring that "neither slavery nor involuntary servitude... shall exist within the United States." 1957; The first full-scale commercial nuclear power station in the United States opens at Shippingport, Pennsylvania. It produces 60,000 kilowatts of electricity. 1958; Project Score, the world's first experimental communications satellite, is launched.

Birthdays: Paul Klee, Swiss Painter, (1879), Ty (Tyrus) Cobb, professional baseball player (1886),  Edwin Armstrong, American inventor and electrical engineer (1890), Keith Richards, member of the Rolling Stones (1943), Steven Spielburg,film director (1946).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

At a motivational seminar, three men are asked to come up to the stage. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and family and friends are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? 

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy says, "I would like to hear them say..........Look ! He's Moving !!"

                              

That's it for today my little Christmas cookies. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

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