Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Is It November Yet?

It's Hump Day and although I want to go out and play tonight, this may not be possible. Alas, I may be forced to remain in-country this fine evening and resolve some ever pressing issues that I have been neglecting.

In Politics: John McCain won enough votes in yesterday's elections to assure his being the republican nomination for president. Mike Huckabee has been hanging on like a bad cold for so long that I believe he has virtually eliminated himself from any chance of being selected as the vice presidential running mate.

Hillary Clinton beat Barack "I didn't vote for the war" Obama in Rhode Island, Ohio and Texas while Obama took Vermont. In a related incident, Punxsutawney Phil recently came out of his burrow to view the democratic candidates, saw his shadow and threw up. This means that there will be at least six more weeks of this garbage. Oh....and six more weeks of winter, too.

Speaking of the democratic race, it brings to mind the recent national geographic article about the cannibal who went to eat at another cannibal's restaurant. He sat down and looked at the menu: Tourist 5.00, Broiled Missionary $10, Fried Explorer $15, Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican $100.

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politicians?" The waiter responded, " Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."

Odds and Ends: Although it's now medically possible for a woman to have children at the age of 65, it presents a minor problem during the child's feeding. It seems that many times a woman of that age will not feed the child until it cries. This is basically because she cannot remember where she put it.

The Pictures: Some interesting new planes are part of today's entry, along with some colorful frogs....yeah, frogs. They seem to follow me. When I'm searching for frogs, all I can find is pictures of Prince. It's a little bizarre.....ribbit !  

This Date In History: 1770; In the Boston Massacre, British troops fire on a raucous mob, killing five Americans and wounding six. 1922; Annie Oakley shoots 98 out of 100 clay pigeons, breaking the existing women's trap shooting record. 1956; The motion picture, "King Kong" is shown on television for the first time.

Birthdays:Gerardus Mercator, Flemish geographer and map maker (1512), Etienne-Jules Marey, French scientist (1830), Lady Isabella Gregory, Irish playwright (1832), Rex Harrison, actor, best known for his portrayal of Henry Higgins in "My Fair Lady" (1908).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

The Mixed Couple's Golf Match

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

The Swede said, "Good God woman, why aren't you wearing any underwear?" His wife responded, "Because you don't give me enough housekeeping money." The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

The Irishman yells, "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman ! You've no knickers. Why not?" His wife answers, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." The Irishman reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $20. Go and get yourself some underwear."

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is wearing no underwear.

The Scotsman says, "Sweet mother of Jesus, where the hell are yer drawers?" His wife says, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta afford any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well fer the love of decency, here's a comb....Tidy yerself up a bit."

A wife takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. The 9-year old son comes home early, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

Unexpectedly, the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in thecloset, not realizing that the little boy is already in there.

The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."  Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"     Man: "No, thanks"

Boy: "My Dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"

Weeks later, it happens that the boy and the lover find themselves in the closet again.

Boy: "Dark in here."  Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" The boy says "$750".  The man says, "Sold".

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for? The boy says, "$1,000."

The Dad says, "That's terrible to rip off your friends like that... That is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."

In church, the Dad makes sure the boy goes in to the confessional and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now."

That's it for today my little clark bars. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !


luvrte66 said...

To heck with November, I want April, for multiple reasons!


bamawmn46 said...

Hey Jimmy,
Happy Hump Day. Hope your ignored chores are quick and painless.

Like the frogs.... :)


shrbrisc said...

I am so looking forward to November too hopefully it will be here soon

ksquester said...

Really bad but hysterical jokes tonight.  Enjoyed the airplane pictures too. Anne

mpnaz58 said...

LOL...I, too, wish it was over so we can just get on with our lives!!  Ya' know, sometimes those "pressing issues", resolve themselves if you neglect them long enough!
xoxo ~Myra

garnett109 said...

Lmao at the jokes thanks!

midwestvintage said...

 Great jokes.   Is that the new airbus?  Pretty cool.