Breaking News............Again ?

Today is Mundane Monday and believe it or not, I'm kinda enjoying it. I didn't do too much this weekend and I beat the paperboy home on Friday by an hour and a half. Pretty good, huh?

                  

Breaking News?

We interrupt this journal to bring you Breaking News... I follow the news virtually all day long, mostly following CNN. For the most part, they do a fine and unbiased job (excluding Wolf Blitzer's obvious fawning and doting over Barack Obama Lama Ding Dong). I realize and understand that there's only so much news to report. Since their news programs runs in increments of 30 minutes, there's bound to be repetition. Thus, "Breaking News" only breaks once for me and then it's "Repeated Breaking News".

Some stories, however, continue to break for two and three days in a row and at some point in time it should be reported as "Breaking News For The Hard Of Understanding"  or "We've Got Nothing Else So We're Just Gonna Beat This Story To Death".

Then, in almost every city, we have the hometown sensationalist channel, whose motto seems to be "Everything We Report Whether Shitty Or Not Is Breaking News" There's always a reporter on the scene, usually standing in knee deep water when if he were to walk a mere 15 feet to his left or right, he'd be on dry ground.

Then there's the poor reporter who's sent to the scene of an accident or crime seven hours after the fact, so that he can report from the scene at 5:00 in the morning with nothing but darkness as his backdrop.

One of the most frustrating "Breaking News" routines comes with the dreaded words, "We interrupt your regular programing........." Usually it's Dubya Bush or Barack To Alabama or Billary with some insipid, inane speech about something which you could care less.

When it's Georgie doing the speaking, you can have a few laughs as he completely slaughters the English language. You always count on the prez, a Yale Graduate with a C+ average, to throw in a few newk-u-ler references as he embarrasses himself and the rest ofthe nation with his complete lack of ability to speak correctly.

Maybe today, we'll get lucky and be able to watch our favorite television programs without any "breaking news."

We now return you to your regularly scheduled journal.  

The Cat's Ass Trophy

The Cat's Ass Trophy (CAT) award was a hands down victory for Ronald Long, who shot and killed his wife by shooting 22 caliber pistol round through his wall to make a hole for a satellite dish cable. Although he was the only nominee, the reaction of my readers insured a win for this asshole no matter who would have been nominated. This incident presents a good case for why you shouldn't marry your cousin. What a catsasstrophe !

The Pictures: For some strange reason, there has been a rash of unusual relationships (journal authors excluded) in the animal kingdom and today is no exception. A newborn piglet was adopted by a mother dachshund (who was already nursing) and the pictures are funny as the little piglet will soon be larger than its adopted mom. Take a look.

This Date In History: 1774; The British Parliamentresponds to the Boston Tea Party by passing the Boston Port Act, which closes the port of Boston; America regards this as the first of the so called "Intolerable Acts". 1889; The Eiffel Tower, built for the Paris World's Fair, opens in France. 1949; Newfoundland becomes the 10th province in Canada. 1976; The New Jersey Supreme Court sets a precedent, ruling that coma patient Karen Anne Quinlan can be taken off life support so she can "die with dignity."

Birthdays: Rene Descartes, French philosopher, scientist and mathematician, sometimes referred to as the father of modern philosophy (1596), Joseph Haydn, composer (1732), Jack Johnson, boxer (1878) Octavio Paz, poet and essayist (1914), Cesar Chavez, labor leader (1927), Gordie Howe, ice hockey player (1928), Al Gore, politician (1948).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My pal, Beverly, sent me this story about.....

The Mafia "Don"

An old Italian Mafia "Don" is dying and he calls his grandson into his bedroom. "Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howz about you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"

"Shuddup anlissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.....you gonna have a beautiful awife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos"

"Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna
bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then....... pointa to you
watch and say "Times up"?

And From Jimmy's Corner:   Chapped Lips

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

The Sheriff said, "Howdy, stranger." The cowboy replied, "Howdy, Sheriff".

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?" The cowboy said, "Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

The Sheriff asked, "And that cures them?" The cowboy says, "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em."

That's it for today my little prairie puppies. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

Tags: Jimmy's Journal, JimSulliv3, AREA 51, pshemmingway, Possums Journal, ham and eggs, Jimmys-MySpace, Jimmys Journal, Jimmys Pictures

The Old Lottery Scam !

It's Friday and the portal to the weekend is opening. It's an inviting day thus far and images of my pals in AREA5 1 are running through my mind. My body, on the other hand, doth protest at the way that it's been treated lately. It will probably be necessary to have a meeting of body and soul this afternoon to agree upon a destination and a reasonable hour to return home.

Well at least it's Friday and although I procratinate, I'll assemble my body parts and see if I can't ease on over to Lakes Cafe for happy hour and a little rest and recreation. What the hell, they ladies will be there and one never knows, do one ?

                                                   

                                                WELL,  HELLO  THERE !

THE STING:

I was watching the local news last evening and they were doing story about a man who was scammed out of $20,000 by crooks who claimed they had a winning lottery ticket. It seems that the man was approached by another Hispanic man who claimed to have a winning ticket but was afraid to cash it because he was in this country illegally.

He was told that they would give a him a large sum of money (in cash and tax free) if he would assist them in claiming the money. Since the scammee (for lack of a better word) would legally be in possession of the winning ticket, they required a "good faith" deposit in order to proceed with the transaction.

They called an 800 number that was on the falsified ticket and, sure enough, a person answered in Spanish, gave the man the winning numbers of the winning ticket and told him the amount of money the ticket was worth. Once assured of the supposed value of the ticket, the scammee went to his bank and withdrew $20,000.

While both men were in the car, the crook took the scammee's money, put it in an envelope and put it in the glove compartment. He then excused himself to supposedly get some documents. When the crook did not return after a period of time, the scammee opened the glove compartment and took out the envelope. The money was gone.

In the evening news report, they portrayed the scammee as a poor soul who had been scammed out of his "life savings". In truth, the man was stupid, greedy and was willing to, and in the process of, commiting a crime and breaking the law in order for some easy money. I also have serious doubts if the money was his life savings.

Sorry Jose, but it's against the law and you knew that. It's bad enough that you got scammed and attempted to break the law while attempting to aid and abet this crook, but you were crazy to go to the authorities because they won't be able to get your money back and all you succeeded in doing was to further embarrass yourself.

THE CAT'S ASS TROPHY:

We've got one nominee so far for this weeks CAT award. Remember you can nominate someone until Monday at noon, so if you spot a deserving soul(s), by all means, make a nomination !

The Pictures: I've shown you pictures this week of some strange relationships in the animal kingdom and today I've got a few more. There's the case of the female tiger whose entire litter died at birth and she was still lactating and evidently still pining for her lost kittens. At the same time, some piglets were orphaned so....yeah, someone decided the idea would work and so it did. The pics are self explanatory.

Then there's the case of the deer who decided that she would befriend a rabbit. Some touching pictures of the wonder of nature. I'm also going to re-run the pictures of Billy the boxer (as in dog) and his adopted friend Lily the kid (as in baby goat).

And for my pal, Garnett, who commented that yesterday's catfish was huge...well, if you think that was was huge, check this one out !

This Date In History: 1797; The first U.S. patent for a washing machine was granted to Nathaniel Briggs of New Hampshire. 1834; For the first time in history, the U.S. Senate votes to censure a president, declaring that Andrew Jackson inappropriately removed federal deposits from the Bank of the United States. 1930; The ancient Turkish city of Constantinople changes its name to Istanbul. 1941; British writer Virginia Woolf commits suicide by drowning. 1969; In London, Ringo Starr announces that there will be no more public appearances by The Beatles. 1979; A nuclear disaster at the Three Mile Island plant near Harrisburg, Pennsylvania increases public concern about the safety of nuclear power.

Birthdays: George I, king of Great Britain (1660), Paul Whiteman, band leader (1891), Edward Muskie, American political leader (1941), Sir Dirk Bogarde, actor and writer (1921).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

The Centipede

A lonely man went to the pet store to buy a pet. He told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet and after some thought he told the owner that he would buy the centipede, which came with it's own little house.

He took the centipede home, found a good location for it and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to AREA 51 at Lakes Cafe for a drink. So he asked the centipede in the little house, "Would you like to go to Lakes Cafe for a beer?" But there was no answer from thelittle house.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited for a few minutes and then asked his centipede again, "How about going to Lakes Cafe and having a beer with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new pet and friend.

So he waited a few more minutes and then he put his face up against the centipede's little house and shouted, "Hey in there! Are you deaf? I asked you if you wanted to go to Lakes Cafe and have a beer with me?"

A little voice came out of the little house, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"

The Diamond Bracelet

A woman walked into a jewelry store and strolled over to the counter to admire the jewelry. When she espied a stunning diamond bracelet, she bent over to inspect the bracelet more closely. Unfortunately she inadvertently passed gas and immediately stood up.

Redfaced, she looked around to see if anyone had heard the inadvertent toot and saw that no one was near her. Relieved, she knew that all she needed was a little time for the air to clear and everything would be fine.

Predictably, a young salesman came over and said, "good afternoon madam, can I show you something?" The woman was so embarrassed that she muttered, "That diamond bracelet is beautiful. How much does it cost?"

The salesman replied, "Well lady, if you farted when you saw it, you're gonna shit when you hear the price !"

That's it for today my little sweet potatos. Have a great and safe weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Tags: Jimmy's Journal, JimSulliv3, AREA 51, pshemmingway, Jimmys Pictures

Catting Around, A Cat Nominee And A Catfish In Peril !

The paperboy was right on time this morning and so was I. The only difference was that he was starting his day and I was ending mine from the previous day. I finally got my asp in gear around 8:00 yesterday and I headed off on my weekly Wednesday foray into AREA 51.

Last night's adventure was a bit different though, as I went to see my friend, Mercy. She had some musician friends at her house to "jam" and I joined in with them. We played and sang until around midnight and I left Mercy's shortly thereafter.

The next stop was Lakes Cafe and Pub, but by that time, most of the people had left. I chatted with my bartender pal, Kristi for a while and then it was time to hit the road. Of course, I ended up at Emilio's house and we played seven card stud (and I slayed him) until the wee hours.

Naturally, we return to the top of the page and lo and behold, there's the paperboy. He just looked at me and grinned.

My pal, Garnett, has a nomination Ronald Long from Sedalia, Missouri for this week's Cat's Ass Trophy (CAT) award. The dufus admitted to accidentally (?) killing his wife while attempting to install satellite television cable. Rather than my trying to re-create the story, let me just show you the copy:

Ronald Long, was trying to use a .22-caliber pistol to shoot a hole through the wall in the couple's home to enable them to run a wire through to the television. His first shot was apparently unsuccessful in penetrating the wall and his second shot somehow hit his wife in the chest, 34-year-old Patsy Long. She was pronounced dead on Saturday night.

I second the nomination !

The Pictures: This week's pictures have all been stories of one kind or another so why break stride. Today's pictures are of a fisherman who was out fishing for catfish when he espied a red children's basketball floating on the water, or so he thought......

Since we're already out in the boat, there's this pink (yep, pink) dolphin for your perusal. Some of my favorite pictures complete today's pics along with two of my drawings for your review (be kind).

This Date In History: 1866; President Andrew Johnson vetoes the civil rights bill; it later becomes the 14th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. 1912; First lady Helen Taft plants the first Japanese cherry trees in Washington, D.C. 1917; The Seattle Metropolitans become the first U.S. hockey team to win the Stanley Cup. 1958; Nikita Khruschev becomes the prime minister of the Soviet Union. 1973; Marlon Brando refuses his Oscar for the "The Godfather' in protest of Hollywood's treatment of Native Americans.

Birthdays:William Conrad Roentgen, physicist (1845), Gloria Swanson, actress (1899), James Callaghan, British prime minister (1912), Cyrus Vance, U.S. Secretary of State (1917), Sarah Vaughn, one of the premier jazz singers of the 20th century (1924), Quentin Tarantino, film director, screenwriter and actor (1963).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when he lost his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the Customs Agent at the Tijuana border.

The Customs Agent said, "May I see your identification, please?" The guy says, "I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet." The agent replies, "Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border."

The guy says, "But I can prove I'm an American. I have a picture of Barack Obama tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of Rev. Jeremiah Wright on the other butt cheek. The agent says, "This I gotta see."

With that, the guy drops his pants and bends over in front of the agent. The agent says, "By golly, you're right!Well go on home to Detroit and have a safe trip. The guy says, "Thanks, but how did you know I was from Detroit?"

The agent says, "Well, judging from your choice of the pictures of Obama and Wright, I assumed that's where you lived, but I was sure of it when I recognized the picture of Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick in the middle."

Alarming Traffic

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

The sheriff asked, "What do you want me to do?" Farmer John replied, "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers !"

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:

SLOW - SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW- CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.

Three weeks later, curiosity go the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed since then.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY - Go slow and watch out forthe chicks!

That's it for today my little pooper scoopers. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

Tags: Jimmys Journal, JimSulliv3, pshemmingway, AREA 51, Possums Journal, My Perfect Martini, Jimmys-MySpace, Possums Videos, Jimmy's Journal, Stay Tuned

An AREA 51 Decision and The Mysterious D. B. Cooper

Today's Hump Day and it has stopped raining. That's good because my ark wasn't coming along very quickly and I was having a hard time determining which two ladies to take with me. But Hump Day's always a good day to slide on over to AREA 51 at Lakes Cafe and scope out the inhabitants as well as stop world hunger and resolve world problems. It's a difficult task, but someone's got to do it.

Then, again, there's alternate Plan B, which is to go to my friend Mercy's house because she wants to rehearse some music this week for a possible future engagement. I've known Mercy for many years and she's a great singer and performer. On top of that, she's easy on the eyes. It's too early to make a decision. We'll see...in the interim, here's a picture of Mercy.

                                   

Some children found a parachute buried in the ground in southeast Washington State arousing a 36 year old mystery of the infamous D.B. Cooper, who hijacked an airplane in 1971. Cooper released the passengers of the airplane for a ransom of $200,000 and requested to be flown to Mexico. During the flight, Cooper (and the ransom) parachuted out of the airplane somewhere over the Washington-Oregon area and was never heard from again.

                   

                                                D. B. Cooper

A small amount of the ransom money ($5,800) was found by a family while on a picnic in 1980. Authorities suspect that Cooper must have perished because of the roughness of the terrain and inclement weather but neither Cooper nor, the rest of the money have never been found. If the parachute can be proven to be the one used by Cooper, then the case will take a complete new turn and the legend continued.

It is possible that my pal, Linda in Washington State, could shed some light on this mystery as she has been on several expensive cruises in the past years. One never knows, do one?

Moron Of The Day: A street monkey went into a store to rob it at gunpoint and he was told that only the manager had the combination. The thief gave the worker his cell phone number and told the worker to call him when the manager arrived. They called the moron later and when he arrived, they shot him in the leg and arrested him. Ya gotta love it (CNN).

The Pictures: So, the young lady said invitingly, "Would you like to come up to see my mountain teahouse?" I figured, 'What the hell...., how high tough of a climb could it be?" Well, see for yourselves. Oh, I almost forgot...my pal, Gipsy, sent me some pictures of an obviously nearsighted moose and a statue of a buffalo.

This Date In History: 1827; German composer Ludwig van Beethoven dies in Vienna. 1885; The first commercial motion picture is manufactured by Eastman Dry Plate and Film Company. 1953; Dr. Jonas Salk announces that he has successfully tested a vaccine against the crippling disease polio. 1962; American poet Robert Frost publishes his first new collection of poems in 15 years, "In The Clearing".

Birthdays: Robert Frost, poet (1874), Tennessee Williams, playwright (1911), William C. Westmoreland, U.S. Army General (1914), Sandra Day O'Connor, first female justice on the U.S. Supreme Court (1930), Diana Ross, singer (1944).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Asa public service and the continuing education constantly provided by Jimmy's Journal, I give you some of our State Mottos:

Alabama: Hell yes, we have electricity! Arizona: Yes, but it's a dry heat. Arkansas: Hey Uncle Dad ! California: Our women have more plastic than your Honda. Colorado: If you don't ski, don't bother. Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, only smaller. Florida: Ask us about our voting skills. Georgia: Lituracy ain't everything. Indiana: Two billion years tidal wave free. Iowa: We do amazing things with corn. Kentucky: Five million people; fifteen last names. Louisiana: Your federal flood relief and welfare tax dollars at work. Montana: Land of the big sky and the Unabomber. New Jersey: You want a #%# motto? I got yer #%# motto. New York: You have the right to remain silent, You have the right to an attorney.. Texas: Se habla ingles. Utah: Our Jesus is better than your Jesus. Washington: Our governor can out-fraud your governor. West Virginia: One big happy family...really ! Wisconsin: Come cut the cheese. Wyoming: Where men are men and the sheep are scared; home of Brokeback Mountain.

                          

That's it for today my little pop tarts. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

Tags: Jimmy's Journal, JimSulliv3, AREA 51, pshemmingway, Possums Journal

The Perils Of Home Buying And A Great White Shark Named Cindy

The current economic situation in the United States has everyone in a frenzy and rightfully so. A factor in the economy is the housing market and it is in relatively bad shape at the moment. A point that everyone either overlooks or chooses not to espouse, is that the majority of the housing woes are self inflicted.

Real estate and it's markets are always cyclical and if one looks back in market history, you can see the highs and lows, the booms and the recessions and you can basically see the causes and effects. Having been in real estate for 35 years, it is no surprise to me that the market is in it's current shape and I predicted this would come to pass almost two years ago.

Investors/buyers, when they encounter a good investment are normally quick to act and as they word gets out that the investment is making money, other investors follow suit. Herein lies the problem. At a certain point in time one must look at the market to determine exactly how many investors have "jumped on the bandwagon".

This the point where the wise investor/buyer removes himself from that market and either moves on to a different type of investment or simply waits for the next trend to appear. Unfortunately, all investors/buyers are not equal and sooner or later, someone usually gets stuck holding the bag.

At the same time, many lending institutions began enjoying the real estate boom and as profits came in, some of the more greedy institutions lowered the qualifying levels and increased the loan to value amounts to a point where one could realistically buy a property with nothing down. Combine this with interest only adjustable mortgages and you have the makings of a disaster and that's exactly what has happened.

Many people, now in foreclosure, purchased properties knowing full well that it was over their heads. Why did they buy anyway? They bought thinking that property would continue to rise in value at a rate of 10 to 15 percent annually and when the time came for the mortgage to adjust, they could either sell at a tidy profit or refinance their loans. Timing was their downfall as too many people jumped on the easy money bandwagon and they were left holding the proverbial bag.

When this happened, many of the greedy and unethical lenders such as Countrywide Mortgage and Bear Stearns, who practiced making these risky loans, were left with severe cash problems due to the enormous amount of failed mortgages and lost millions of dollars.

Bottom line, there are no free lunches. Anytime you purchase a home, it should be at a fixed rate of interest, you should have a minimum down payment of ten percent (preferably twenty percent) and your monthly payment should be equal to one week's income, more or less. This criteria is critical and any thing else is potentially going to be financial downfall.

The Pictures: There was this fisherman from southern Australia named Arnold Pointer and while attending his fishing nets, he discovered a female Great White Shark had been snagged in the nets. He reasoned that the shark would die if she was not untangled from the nets, so, he untangled and released her.

End of story, right? Well, not quite. It seems the great white shark (who he named "Cindy") appreciated the act of kindness and Cindy decided to adopt the fisherman.

In a story by The French Magazine, in its 56 edition, Pointer said, "It's been almost two years now she doesn't leave me alone. She follows me everywhere and she scares away the fish."

It's sometimes difficult to break off a relationship and Arnold is a fisherman. Besides that, Great White Sharks are protected by the wildlife conservation. But a "mutual affection" has been established between Cindy and Arnold.

Arnold says,"Once I stop the boat, she comes to me. She turns on her back and lets me pet her belly and neck. She grunts, turns her eyes and flaps her fins in the water."

I've had what I would call a few perilous shark-like relationships myself, but this one is pushing the envelope. Well, judge for  yourselves.... 

This Date In History: 1634; The first settlers arrive in Maryland and found the town of Saint Mary's. 1807; Britain abolishes the African slave trade. 1957; The Treaty of Rome was signed, providing for the establishment of the European Economic Community (EEC), or Common Market. 1975; King Faisal of Saudi Arabia was assassinated by his half brother, Prince Khalid ibn Abdul Aziz.

Birthdays:Howard Cosell, television sports commentator (1920), Flannery O'Connor, writer (1925), Aretha Franklin, singer (1942), Elton John, singer-songwriter (1947).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!" The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"

And then there was......

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her doctor to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido. The doctor asked, "What about trying Viagra?" The woman replied, "Not a chance, he won't even take an aspirin."

The doctor said, "No problem. Give him an Irish Viagra. Simply drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.

A week later the old lady called and said, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible." The doctor said, "Really, What happened?" The woman said, "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped his self straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

The doctor asked, "Why so terrible?  Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"

The woman said, "Oh, no, no, no, doctor. The sex was fine. In fact it was the best sex I've had in 25 years. But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."

That's it for today my little peanut butter cups. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

Tags: Jimmys Journal, JimSulliv3, AREA 51, pshemmingway, Jimmys-MySpace, ham and cheese, my perfect martini, Possums Videos, Jimmy's Journal, ham and cheese

It's A Rainy Mundane Monday And The Ark's Still Unfinished !

This weekend I seriously considered building an ark because it rained the entire weekend. We need the rain but it seems to me if you are in need of a glass of water, you don't want it poured by a fire hose. Nevertheless, neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet, nor hail will stop......, nah, that one's been used before. Besides, I don't have the tendency to go ballistic.

My brother, Kirt, sent me the following poster which I believe every parent can use. This should be on the walls in every home that has  teenagers.

                                       

Brother Kirt also sent me this story about the California Highway Patrol. While the veracity of the story is a bit dubious, I like the thought...

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar.

One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding  vehicles approaching the crest of a hill. The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander and the reply came back in with true USMC style:

Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this
incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location. Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.

The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar . It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster. Thank you for your concern. Semper Fi !

Ya Just Gotta Love it !

There were two nominees for the Cat's Ass Trophy (CAT) Award and one was a little difficult to understand. Julie re-nominated the "Rev. of Obama", who I assume means last week's CAT Award winner, Rev. Jeremiah Wright. Author's Note: I emailed Julie earlier to determine if she wanted to re-nominate Rev. Wright. She replied, "Gosh, I am behind, LOL. No, there are plenty to take his place this week"

Garnett nominated an Amsterdam parent, who, while in the process of shoplifting a package of meat at the local supermarket and making a quick exit, forgot to take his twelve year old son with him. Authorities, naturally, were able to trace the parent because of the son. When contacted, the parent refused to claim the boy and asked instead that they contact his mother. The parent eventually turned himself in.

All things considered and weighed by the esteemed judges, this week's CAT Award winner is "The Amsterdam Parent". Congratulations and thanks for setting a fine example for your son. You 'da man !

The Pictures: Today's pictures come from my pal, Beverly. The structure shown is not a hotel. It is the residence of Sheik Zayad bin Sultan Al Nahyan, the former president of the United Arab Emirates and ruler of Abu-Dhabi. Easily mistaken for my house, this is what your oil dollars help to purchase. Aside from that, it's one hell of a homestead.

This Date In History: 1882; German scientist Robert Koch announces that he has discovered the bacillus that causes tuberculosis. 1934; President Franklin D. Roosevelt signs the Tydings-McDuffie Act, granting future independence to the Philippines. 1958; Elvis Presley, the "King of Rock and Roll", enters the U.S. Army for two years. 1989; The Exxon Valdez oils tanker starts spilling 260,000 barrels of crude oil into Alaska's Prince William Sound.

Birthdays: William Morris, poet, artist and social reformer (1834), Harry Houdini professional name of Ehrich Weiss, one of the most famed magicians in history (1874), Fatty Arbuckle, film actor, writer and director (1887), Steve McQueen, actor (1930), Bob Mackie, American costume and fashion designer (1940).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Words of Wisdom

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people "appear" bright until you hear them speak.

2. Change is inevitable-- except from a vending machine.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability that you'll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, on a hill, in the fog.

7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When going to court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Hypnotist at Senior Center

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the
watch...

"The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred
pieces.

"Sh*t !" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

That's it for today my little chickadees. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !