Reflections From The Past - Part Deux !

The weekend is here and I hear the distant drum beat of AREA 51 beckoning its followers to ease on down, ease on down the road for happy hour. There are so many social questions unanswered, so many Scotch glasses unemptied, so many ladies unpampered, that I feel a moral obligation to do my patriotic duty and follow the drum beat.

The inhabitants of AREA 51 at Lakes Cafe will most certainly be ready to solve the problems of global warming, feed the needy children, discuss the merits of the current politicians and, of course, as Miss South Carolina Teen USA would eloquently put it, bring world peace (such as). 

For those of you who are following the story of the three young men who were attacked by the escaped tiger in the San Francisco Zoo, Paul Dhaliwal, 19, told the father of Carlos Sousa Jr, 17, who was killed, that the three yelled and waved at the tiger, according to a search warrant affidavit obtained by the San Francisco Chronicle.

Police believe that the tiger may have been taunted and agitated by its eventual victims. Toxicology results show all three had high levels of alcohol and marijuana in their blood and police found vodka and marijuana in their car.

Bottom line...... Life's a bitch ! Don't screw with the tigers !

The Date: Part II (Part I can be read in yesterday's entry)

I finished work the following Friday at around 6:00 p.m. and Joe's sons and I went to Joe's house to be paid for the week. After receiving my paycheck, we all sat outside in Joe's patio and drank a few beers. Joe asked me if my date was still on for Saturday and I answered that it was. With that, Joe's son, Joe Jr, asked, "What date?" I explained the situation to my buddy Joe Jr. (I had assumed that Big Joe had explained the situation to Joe Jr, but he was a man of honor and not prone to gossip).

Joe Jr. asked if he and his girlfriend could join us and I told him that assuming getting Susan into the Jai Alai fronton went well, I didn't mind if he joined us (what I really wanted to do was show off the lovely Susan). We decided that Joe and his girlfriend would arrive around 8:00 p.m. He would secure balcony box seats for four and if my plan went well, we'd join them inside.

I picked up Susan at 8:00 Saturday evening and we were off to Jai Alai (the scent of her perfume still lingers in my subconscious). I had explained to her that the reason for picking her up early was that the first game was at 8:00 p.m and that I didn't want to miss the daily double. Although that was true, the main reason was that the entrances were the most crowded at that time and less time was spent on checking identification.

We arrived at the fronton and I drove to the valet to have the car parked. We strolled to the entrance where Joe's friend worked and entered the line. My heart was pounding because if this didn't work, my credibility with Susan would take a tremendous nose dive. At the door, Susan entered first and I looked toward Joe's friend to give the agreed "password".

The first thing I noticed was he was looking at Susan, not at me. The second thing I noticed that "I'm Joe's friend" went in his right ear and out his left as he continued to gaze at Susan. He smiled at her, said, "good luck, beautiful" and allowed her to enter, whereupon he turned to me and said, "Good evening sir, may I see your identification?" Red-faced I replied, "I'm Joe's friend".

The main life lesson I learned at Jai Alai that evening is that you can never trust another man around your lady. Fortunately, Joe's friend realized the faux pas he had made and said, "Jimmy, you never allow me to to joke with you. Let me buy you and your lovely lady a cocktail." He gave a sign to one of the ladies attending the bar area and we were escorted to a table and given complimentary drinks.

Things went great the rest of that evening. We hooked up with Joe and his date and we even left Miami Jai Alai winning money, a feat in and of itself. Susan and I went on to forge a marvelous relationship that I will always treasure.

The Pictures: Today's pics are downright goofy, my silly wabbits. I've wandered about the net looking for a good theme for the last few days, but to no avail, so I'll just have to rely on my current portfolio of about 2,300 photographs.

This Date In History: 1486; King Henry VII of England marries Elizabeth of York, the daughter of Edward IV, hoping to unite Yorkist and Lancastrian claims to the throne in his Tudor dynasty. 1778; Captain James Cook discovers the "Sandwich Islands", which are later renamed the Hawaiian Islands. 1896; The X-Ray machine is first exhibited in New York City. The X in the name is used because of the initial mystery of what type of ray it is. 1996; Michael Jackson's marriage to Lisa Marie Presley ends in divorce after two years.

Birthdays: Daniel Webster, American statesman famed for his oratorial skills (1782), A.A. Milne, English author (1882), Oliver Hardy, comedic actor (1892), Danny Kaye, comedian, dancer, singer and musician (1913), Kevin Cosner, actor (1955).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

NEW REGULATIONS FOR THE HUNTING OF LAWYERS Government Department of Fish and "Wildlife" Sec. 1200

1. Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys.

2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.

3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yardsof BMW dealerships.

7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.

8.If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, "entrap", or possess it.

9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin.

10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS (Maximum number of catches allowed per hunting season)

1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder.............(2)
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor..................(1)
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator.....(4)
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster............(3)(Female)
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut...................(2)
6. Honest Attorney...........................(Endangered Species List)
7. Cut-throat...................................(2)
8. Back-stabbing Whiner..................(2)
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser............(2)
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender  ($100 BOUNTY)

That's it for today my rocking little robins. Have a safe and great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

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Reflections from The Past !

Her name was Susan, a lovely and much sought after young woman that had just left a party I was attending. Her sister walked over to me and said, "Susan thinks you're a very interesting person." Eureka ! This girl was always attached and for a brief time span, she had suddenly become available.

I had just turned 21 and was one of the older guys in my social group. I also had been performing with my band for a while at one of the nightclubs in the area and, with that, had the benefit of experienced and older, wiser counsel.

At another party the next evening, I made it a point to be near Susan and when the situation presented itself, I asked her if she'd like me to refresh her drink. As we walked to the refreshment area, I asked her if she had ever been to Miami Jai Alai ( pronounced "high a lie"..a Basque parimutual sport that was one of the hot spots in Miami). She said that she had always wanted to go there, but she was too young to get in.

One of the merits of being 21 is that you can offer some things that your underage competition cannot, that being the nightlife not afforded to minors. "That's not a problem, I can get you in if you'd like to go", I said, with the knowledge that I really had no idea how I would accomplish this feat. Her eyes lit up and she accepted. I knew it was time to contact the man who had introduced me to the parimutual world. His name was Joe and he was my boss, my mentor and the father of two of my best buddies.

The first time I went to Jai Alai was when I went with Joe. He showed me how to bet the games and pointed out that it was always good to dress well when attending. He further pointed out several young women who were attached to men wearing sport jackets, a subtle but well taken point when I realized I was one of the few that was not wearing a jacket.

When I explained my plight to Joe, he suggested that I go to a certain entrance where one of his friends worked. He called his friend and after hanging up, said, "Just tell him that you're Joe's friend and you're in". Problem resolved, thanks to my good friend Joe and I was ready for next week's date with Susan.

Tomorrow: The Date

The Pictures: Drinks for my ladies ! It's another one of those days where my mind seems to flit back and forth to different pictures, none of which has rhyme or reason. Think of it as the same mindset the cat had when he espied a butterfly on the wing. That said, enjoy today's pics.

This Date In History: 1893; The Hawaiian monarch Queen Liluokalani abdicates the throne as pressure from white sugar planters and businessmen intensifies. 1962; Chubby Checker tops the charts with "The Twist". 1977; Gary Gilmore is the first person to be executedby firing squad in Utah when the ban on capital punishment is lifted 1991; Iraq fires seven SCUD missiles into Israel and Saudi Arabia after coalition forces begin massive air strikes.

Birthdays: Benjamin Franklin, American printer, author, diplomat and scientist (1706), Mack Sennett, motion-picture producer and director (1880), Al Capone, gangster (1899), James Earl Jones, actor (1931), Muhammed Ali, heavyweight boxing champion (1942), Jim Carrey, actor (1962).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

The scene is a dark jungle. Two tigers are stalking through the undergrowth in single file when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out, all right!"

The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!"

The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?"

The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth.

    **********************************************

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.

When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who thensays, "Sorry, heaven's crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."

He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?" "Oh, that's easy," the teacher replied, "the Titanic." So St. Peter let her into heaven.

Next he turned to the petty thief. "How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asked. "Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1,500." St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.

Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer. He simply said to him: "Name them !

That's it for today my little life savers. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

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Half Way There - One Hump Or Two ?

Like an oasis in the desert, today is Hump Day, the temporary respite in the tedious workweek that allows us, if nothing else, to ease over to our respective AREA 51 at our local watering holes. AREA 51 is not a place, but a state of mind located in every watering hole.

As you are well aware, the government denied for years that AREA 51 existed, but we know that it does. Fortunately, not everyone knows exactly where it is, so we selfishly enjoy the anonymity while others just cruise on by, wandering aimlessly in the happy hour atmosphere. Fear not, my little tequila shooters, that they will discover this fabulous state as most cannot see the forest for the trees, the barnyard for the animals, the..... (Surely, you rant ! It has been said and don't call me Shirley !).

Our current persona non grata, O.J. Simpson, had his bail doubled by a Las Vegas judge today. The judge also ordered that at least 50% ($37,500) of the cash amount needed to secure the bond be deposited and paid before the double murderer gets out of jail. The boy keeps skating, but sooner or later, he'll hang himself (hopefully).

The Pictures: I'm running the jackets of several of my favorite albums for a little bit of nostalgia today, No need to view them larger, they're small but a lot of my life was spent either performing or merely enjoying the sounds of these artists. 

This Date In History: 1547; Ivan the Terrible is crowned tsar of Russia. 1919; Prohibition, the legal ban on the manufacture and sale of intoxicating drink, goes into effect. 1961; Mickey Mantle signs a contract for $75,000 a year, the highest in the American League. 1964; Carol Channing debuts in "Hello Dolly", the Broadway show based on Thorton Wilder's play "The Matchmaker". The Broadway play earned a Tony as Best Musical of the Year.

Birthdays: Ethel Merman, actress (1909), Dizzy Dean, professional baseball player who led the National League in strikeouts four times 1932-35 (1911). Marilyn Horne, opera singer (1934), A.J. Foyt, automobile racer and four time winner of the Indianapolis 500 (1935).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: From my pal, Garnett comes....

During the Sunday morning children's sermon, all the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, "That is a pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress ?"

The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron !"

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, .... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling !"

The teacher paused and said, "And what do you think the farmer said ?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said, Holy shit, a talking chicken !"

And from Jimmy's Corner.....

Three doctors were discussing medicine in their countries.

A French doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him working in six weeks."

An English doctor said, "That's nothing ! In England, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him back to work in a week."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said, "Hah ! We took an asshole out of Texas, put it in the White House and half the country was looking for work the next day !"

That's it for today my little aardvarks. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

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O. J. Is Back - Like A Glass Of Water In The Desert !

As a journalist, I occasionally have dry spells when it comes to topics. Fortunately, it doesn't take much to prime my pump and I rely quite frequently on some idiot making a mistake by not leaving well enough alone. Today is no exception as (asshole) O. J. Simpson returns to the limelight.

O. J. was arrested in Miami Friday for allegedly violating the terms of his bail. Michael Pereira, his bail bondsman told authorities that Simpson tried to get him to pass a message to a co-defendant. Periera said that he had not been paid for handling Simpson's bail and he turned O. J. over to authorities because he did not want to face criminal charges.

Simpson currently is in jail in Las Vegas awaiting a Wednesday court hearing. It is expected that prosecutors will request a revocation of bail for violating a court order and that he remain in jail until trial, set for April.

It seems to me that if I were to make a social faux pas, my intelligence would allow the leeway to attempt to either resolve the matter or lie low until the situation blew over or went away. Therein, however, lies the keyword.....intelligence, an asset seemly unbestowed upon the lowly O. J. Simpson.

The Pictures: I'm not too sure why one of the words used to describe my picture choices is "eclectic", but based on the pictures I found for today's photographs, that adjective seems appropriate. Wild dogs and otters  are the shots that struck my fancy today, with a few of the "usual suspects" added into the mix.

This Date In History: 1550; Elizabeth I is crowned Queen of England. 1870; The democratic donkey, as drawn by Thomas Nast, makes its debut In Harpers Weekly. 1892; The 13 rules of basketball are published by Dr. James Naismith. 1922; Sinn Fein leader Michael Collins becomes the first prime minister of the Irish Free State (now the Republic of Ireland) and forms a provisional government. 1967; The Green Bay Packers win the First Super Bowl football game, led by Most Valuable Player (MVP) Bart Starr.

Birthdays: Pierre Samuel Du Pont, American industrialist (1870), Gene Krupa, drummer (1909), Lloyd Bridges, actor (1913), Robert Byrd, senator (1917), Martin Luther King, civil rights leader (1929).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop. When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondesleans inside and asks the bus driver, "Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?"

The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm sorry."

Hearing this, the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: "Will it take ME?"

Kelly limps into his favorite pub. My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley", whispered Kelly to the bartender.

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did - Mrs. Riley's right breast." Kelly said, "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

That's it for today my little crackerjacks. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

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It's A Plop Plop Fizz Fizz Monday !

This is one Monday that I particularly don't like for several reasons, the first being I am being nagged by a potential cold that will neither go away nor manifest itself. I have slight muscular pain and a slight sore throat, but not so bad that a couple of advils won't take care of it.

I normally don't get colds, but I'm ready to accept the consequences of my socializing in AREA 51. I have my medication on standby but this potential cold evidently just wants to flirt. Poetic justice ?

Complaining aside, I just don't like Mondays (except on long weekends) ! What's that ? You say I can't have my cake and eat it too? Au contraire mez amis. It's just a question of having more than one piece of cake and I've always made it a point to do so.

                                          

The second reason is football's almost over and the only sport on TV is basketball. I abhor basketball ! Fortunately, NASCAR starts in February and I'll have something to watch on the weekends other than my step.

The current Clinton-Obama rhetoric is in high gear with O'Bama and his people pontificating and the Clinton people firing back. If, for some bizarre reason, Obama is elected President (shudder), I can see the headlines now...

   Vice President "Podium Al" Sharpton Protests At The U. N !

(AP) Vice President "Podium Al" Sharpton, arriving in the vice-presidential pimpmobile, protested at the United Nations today claiming that there weren't enough Blacks working as translators in the United Nations. When reminded by the media that it was necessary to speak the language of the country in order to obtain such work, Sharpton responded by saying, "Oh".

The Pictures: New Zealand is one of our ports of call today. I've also sprinkled in a few pictures of Australia to complete today's trip to the land downunder. Enjoy !

This Date In History: 1784; The Treaty of Paris is ratified by Congress to officially end the Revolutionary War. 1954; Marilyn Monroe marries baseball star Joe Dimaggio. 1972; Redd Foxx stars in the premiere of "Sanford and Son" on NBC. 1973; The Miami Dolphins become  the first professional football team to go undefeated for the entire season. They go on to win Super Bowl V11.

Birthdays: Benedict Arnold, military Leader (1741), Albert Schweitzer, German-born theologian, philosopher, medical missionary and Nobel laureate (1875), Hal Roach, film producer (1892), Faye Dunaway, actress (1941).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The following is courtesy of my pal, Garnett.

The local news station was interviewing an 80 year old lady because she had just gotten married - for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, what it was like marrying again at age 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. She answered, "He's a funeral director."

Interesting, the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early twenties, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's. Later she married a preacher when in her 60's and now in her 80's a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go."

                          

That's it for today my little whipper snappers. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

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Due To Technical Difficulties, I Have No Headline !

Ok, minor detail ! My friend, Emilio, called at 4:00 p.m. and asked me to accompany him to a job site in Miami Beach. After same, we stopped by Lakes Cafe, where item number one of my agenda joined me ( and left, forthwith after a few drinks to pick up her son).

I am presently attempting to make the remainder of today's entry on a somewhat hurried basis, because we are returning to Lakes Cafe for the second half of today's social soiree. That in mind, kindly overlook any typing errors or omissions. The rest of this entry was complete and ready to go at 3:55 p.m. until hurricane Emilio hit town.

Author's Note: Saturday A.M. - Please excuse paragraph's one and two of this entry as it was entered by my alter ego (I did not ! Did too !).  

Robinson Crusoe once said, "It's Friday" ! That being the case, methinks it's a good idea to mosey (I wonder how you actually "mosey"?) on over to AREA 51 at Lakes Cafe and see what's happening. There's several items on my agenda this evening and hopefully said items will not all arrive at the same time.

One thing for sure, I'm going to 86 getting home at 4:00 a.m. again. It seems the old grey stallion can still hang out with the young'uns, but the price is a bit steep. I spend half my morning-afters looking for my glasses so I can look for any missing body parts. Actually, I don't ever really plan to be out late, it just sorta happens. We'll see !

I've been following the current saga of (asshole) Dr. Phil McGraw and the ever spread-eagled Britney Spears. As you may assume, I don't think too much of the "doctor". He is an unlicensed clinical psychologist who was sanctioned in 1989 by the Texas State Board of Examiners of Psychologists for unethical behavior, having an inappropriate relationship with a 19 year old female patient and was stripped of his license. To date, Dr. Phil has not completed the conditions imposed by the board and remains unlicensed.

His recent, unwanted intervention and subsequent public remarks in the Spears case was self-serving and unprofessional at best and was criticized by the Spears family as causing additional damage to Ms. Spears. Although Britney is in obvious need of some form of psychological help, one would hope that it would be from a licensed psychiatrist and not from an overweight, wannabe Romeo like McGraw.

The Pictures: Todays pics are haphazard at best...., please refer to paragraph one.

This Date In History: 1861; Alabama secedes from the Union much to the dismay of Jackie's great great grandfather. 1913; The Hudson Motor Car Company introduces the first fully enclosed hardtop automobile. 1935; Amelia Earhart makes the first solo flight from Hawaii to California. 1984; Michael Jackosn is nominated for 12 Grammy Awards, winning an unprecedented 8 for his Album, Thriller.

Birthdays: John Macdonald, Canadian Prime minister (1815), Thomas F. Dixon, writer (1864), Ben Crenshaw, professional golfer (1952), Stanley Tucci, director (1960).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: PUNS - The Final Chapter

A lot of monet is tainted. It taint your and it taint mine A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. He had a photograpiv memory that was never developed.The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. Bakers trade bread on a kneadto know basis. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Running with this week' s groaner theme, my pal, Nancy, sent me this gem.

The Story of the Fabulous Foo Bird (edited and abridged)

Author unknown (presumably for good reason)

Three explorers arrived in Africa to explore new territory. Upon arrival, they enlisted the services of a native to translate for them and another native to act as a guide. They had organized their supplies and secured the services of porters and were ready at last!

They went into the jungle and after a few hours, their guide got very excited upon seeing something on the ground. The three explorers and their translator hurried over to see what was the matter. The translator explained, "He says that this is the mark of the Fabulous Foo Bird! They are very rarely seen! They are very lucky!"

                      

After awhile, they heard a horrible squawking from the air above them. They looked up to see an enormous bird flying overhead. As they were staring, there was a loud squelching sound, followed by cries of disgust from the senior explorer. The other turned to see that he was covered with bird crap. The guide said, "That was the Fabulous Foo Bird! You must not wipe this off! If you leave it on, you will receive untold wealth and fortune. If you wipe it off, you will die horribly!"

"Nonsense!" said the explorer. He disgustedly cleaned himself up, all the while grumbling about superstitions. A short time later, the senior explorer was clean and still very much alive. "There! You see? Nothing to worry about!" he said. Three steps later he fell over dead, his body rotting away.

The next day, the same squawking was heard, followed by the appearance of the bird. This time, the second explorer was coated in gunk. Once again, the guide issued his hysterical warning. "Poppycock!" said the second explorer. "That was a coincidence. I am not going to trek through Africa coated in bird crap because of some silly superstition!" He proceeded to clean himself off, but wasn't even finished before he collapsed dead into a pile of dust.

The next day, the same squawking was heard, followed by the appearance of the bird. This time, the youngest (and only remaining) explorer was coated in crap. Once again, the guide issued his hysterical warning. Thenervous young explorer decided to play it safe and continue the exploration in his filthy state. This met with great approval by the natives.

The expedition continued and proved to be a smashing success, with great discoveries. The young explorer recived incredible accolades and lived a very long and wealthy life.

From then on, enterprising explorers were always given this sage advice: if the Foo shits, wear it.

That's it for today my little Foo Fighters. Have a safe and great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

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Breaking News ! (Well, sort of..I'm late, but I have an excuse))

It may sound weird but every once in a while the gene pool runs amok. This is one of those cases that is difficult to comprehend. Since I'm aware that most of the street monkeys that commit crimes aren't too bright, I know that anything is possible. This particular incident is being referred to by the media as "A Weekend At Bernie's".

David Dalaia and James O'Hare pushed Virgilio Cintron's body from the apartment Mr O'Hare and Mr Cintron shared about a block away to Pay-O-Matic, a check-cashing shop. When they tried to cash his $405 social security check, the clerk, who knew Cintron, asked where he was. As they attempted to wheel the dead man into the check cashing shop, a detective who was having lunch next door, arrested the two. Cintron evidently died of natural causes and the pair were taken to jail. Occasionally, I visualize a law being enacted that requires the combined IQ of prospective parents to be above 80. This is one of the occasions.

My entry is late today because I decided to buy groceries at 6:00 p.m. This was not one of my better ideas, but I wanted to get it out of the way so that nothing interferes with my Friday agenda, which may require me to go undercover. I forgot that everybody and his uncle shops for food in the evening, a practice I have shunned for years. I also forgot that people drive grocery carts the same way they drive their automobiles.

I have a method to my shopping madness. I start at point one and and when I reach the end of the store, as far as I can tell, I'm finished. As I began, I saw an attractive woman talking on her cell phone as she shops. Following a quick review of her persona (no wedding ring, no sniveling little hangers-on, and no female diesel truck drivers hovering over her), I came to the conclusion that she was fair game.

She sees me looking at her (drat!) and smiles (ok, so far). I become aware of her conversation and is seems like she is talking to a female friend. Now, I am not one to gossip (hereinafter referred to as the "conversation"), but I love hearing it. Bottom line, I found myself intrigued with the "conversation" and found myself purchasing things in aisles I don't normally shop, just to stay abreast (you'll pardon the term) of the situation.

I ended up spending twice the amount I normally spend  while forgetting to buy half the things I normally buy. Unlike a soap opera, where you have to tune in tomorrow, The "conversation" she was having with her BFF ended quite nicely and I payed the cashier (by some stroke of magic, we ended up at the same cash register). As it turns out, during the story, she mentioned to her BFF that she was going out tomorrow night to, you guessed it, Lakes Cafe ! The lord works in mysterious ways.

The Pictures: The remainder of my newfound stash of pictures are here for your review. There's always a few of my crazy ones and as per my wont, some cryptic and blatant hellos. 

This Date In History: 1776; English political writer Thomas Paine publishes "Common Sense". It denounces monarchy and proclaims that "the cause of America is in a great measure the cause of all mankind." 1861; Florida Convention delegates in Tallahassee vote to secede from the United States. 1917; William "Buffalo Bill" Cody, American army scout and showman, dies at age 70. 1949; RCA announces the seven-inch, 45 rpm record. 1960; Marty Robbins holds the record for the longest playing number-one song in history, "El Paso", at five minutes, 19 seconds.

Birthdays: Ray Bolger, memorable actor who played the "Scarcrow" in the wizard of Oz (1904), Willie McCovey, professional baseball player (1938), Sal Mineo, actor (1939), George Foreman, heavyweight champion boxer (1949).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Puns III - Ya Gotta Love Em !

A bicycle can't stand on its own because its two tired. What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead givewaway!) A backwards poet writes inverse. In democracy, your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. When a clock is still hungry, it goes back four seconds. A grenade thrown into a kitchen would result in Linoleum Blown apart.

Airplane Etiquette

If you are on an airplane sitting next to someone who irritates you follow these instructions:      
   1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.    
   2. Remove your laptop. 

   3. Start up    
   4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.    
   5. Close your eyes, tilt your head up to the sky & move your lips as if you are praying  
   6. Then run this screen.

 

That's it for today my little brandy snifters. More tomorrow.

 

Stay Tuned !

Tags: Jimmy's Journal, JimSulliv3, pshemmingway, AREA51, Jimmys-MySpace, PossumsJournal, JimmysPictures, JimmysVideos, MyPerfectMartini, Obama Loses Nevada !, Obama Loses Michigan, Stay Tuned !,

Thank You For Your Kindly And Helpful Emails !

My thanks to all of those who have sent me emails this past year, especially to my pal, Victor, who shared the following information with me. Since the information fit me to a tee, I thought I'd pass it along to you.

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about the rat shit in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to the little sick girl (I think her name is Penny), who is about to die in the hospital for the 87,745th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

As if this is not enough, when I get my share of the $7 million from Barack O'bama's cousin, the senior bank clerk in Nigeria, who wants to split it with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate, I'll be set for life.

I no longer worry about my soul, because 363,216 angels are looking out after me because I didn't break the prayer chain and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of you, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Mexico, Jamaica and Nigeria.

I learned that if I don't forward my email to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with diarrhea will land on my head at 5:00 p.m. and the fleas from 1,000 camels will infest my sister. I know that this is absolutely true because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's gay hair dresser.

By the way, a South American scientist (isn't that an oxymoron?), after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with low IQ, who have infrequent sexual activity, always read their emails with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late !

Breaking News: Special Social Alert; I will not be going to AREA 51 this evening due to the self-inflicted mental and physical abuse suffered over the past weekend. Be prepared, however, for my intended presence this Friday.

On The Political Frontlines: CNN, an Atlanta based 24 hour news station also known as Detroit South, reports that pollsters found that voters, when asked if they were voting for Barack O'Bama, replied that they were, but once inside the voting booth did not do so (Ya Think?). 

The Pictures: More from the mysterious cache I discovered yesterday with a dash of my mischievous alter ego thrown in. I put some of my best stuff in, too !

This Date In History: 1788; Connecticut becomes the 5th state. 1839; French painter L. J. M. Daguerre announces to the French Academy of Arts and Science, the first practical photographic process. 1929; The Seeing Eye started in Nashville, Tennessee, to train guide dogs for the blind. 1951; The United Nations headquarters open. 1969; Joe Namath "guarantees" the Super Bowl III win for the New York Jets over the Baltimore Colts,16-7.

Birthdays: Richard M. Nixon, 37th president of the United States (1913), Gypsy Rose Lee, American Vaudeville entertainer (1914), Lee Van Cleef, actor (1925), Joan Baez, American folk singer (1941), Jimmy Page, rock guitarist (1944).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:  Puns - Part Deux

Sea captains don't like crew cuts. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. A gossip is someone with a sense of rumor. Without geometry, life is pointless. When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination. Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. Dijon Vu - the same mustard as before. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Most Wanted: (I will apologize in advance, but I couldn't resist this one).

Israeli police are looking for a man name Joseph, wanted for looting in the port city of Haifa. The suspect is described as the son of an ex-nun from Barcelona and a German father. He was a former flutist and worked occasionally as a farmer.

In short, he was a "Haifa-lootin, flutin Teuton, son of a nun from Barcelona, part time plowboy Joe."

If you think that was bad:

Roy Rogers and Dale Evans were at their ranch and Roy had just returned from watering the horses. He took off his new boots and left them outside so he wouldn't track any mud into the house.

When he went outside to retrieve the boots he discovered a mountain lion gnawing away at his new boots. The lion abruptly ran away.

Outraged, he went back inside and told Dale what happened. He promptly grabbed his rifle and went after the lion. Shortly thereafter, he returned carrying the dead mountain lion on his shoulder.

Dale Evans, hearing Bullet barking at her husband's return, went out on the front porch. When she saw her husband, she exclaimed, "Pardon me Roy, is the the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

That's it for today my little tinker toys. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

Tags: JimSulliv3, JimmysJournal, pshemmingway, Hillary Beats Obama In New Hampshire, AREA 51, JimmysPictures, Jimmys-MySpace, JimmysVideos

Apple Pie Or Fried Chicken ? Your Call, New Hampshire !

We have another primary today. The candidates have been taking their dog and pony shows around the state of New Hampshire, kissing babies, eating breakfast with the voters and generally performing any trick you want to see as long as they garner your vote. All you have to do to see them perform is to pay the organ grinder.

I'm a bit amused at the saintly media, especially television, busy as bees, running hither and yon, to cover the escapades of these witless candidates who profess to have what it takes to lead this country. They have this poll and that poll, this reaction or that reaction, with coverage about as consistent as your cell phone in 5 o'clock traffic. While sitting in their lofty positions looking down at the candidates and giving their "esteemed" opinions, some of these media types strike me as just another dog and pony show, in and of, itself.

So, what's the plan? Just relax, have a beer and watch about one hour's worth of political news a day. Take it with a grain of salt because if your candidate's ahead in the polls today, chances are that he or she will be trailing by tomorrow. Bottom line, things will sort themselves out and sooner or later there will be a nominated candidate for each party running for president. That's when the real dog and pony show begins.

The scary thing is that people who aren't patient enough for gradual, logical change can wreak havoc and the end result could be another Schwarzenager - California debacle. Be careful what you wish for ! Your next president's choice for vice president could be "Podium Al" Sharpton or Donnie Osmond.

The Pictures: I found a quantity of pictures in a remote area of my files which I think you'll like. The only problem is I have no idea if I've shown them before. Fortunately for me, most of my readers won't remember if they've seen them before. Moreover, most of them don't know how they even got to my site (the trick is to leave candy  on the front porch). 

This Date In History: 1815; The Battle of New Orleans is fought. 1867; Black men in Washington, D.C., gain the right to vote as the U.S. Congress overrides President Andrew Johnson's veto. 1889; American inventor Herman Hollerith patents his electric counting machine. 1916; The Allies retreat from Gallipoli. 1918; Following the end of World War I, U.S. President Woodrow Wilson proposes a 14 point peace plan.

Birthdays: Elvis Presley, the king of rock and roll (1935), Stephen Hawking, British theoretical physicist (1942), David Bowie, British singer and songwriter (1947).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: I love a good pun and thanks to my pal Vivian, I'll be giving you a few this week.

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery. A pessimist's blood type is always B-negative. Practice safe eating - always use condiments. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. Shotgun Wedding: A case of wife or death. I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Corduroy pillows are making headlines. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Thinning The Herd 2008 - Darwin Awards:

In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate while trying to retrieve his car keys.

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker -- who often bragged he was "totally-zoned when he ran" -- accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily workout.

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

That's it for today my little short cakes. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned

Tags: Jimmy's Journal, JimSulliv3, pshemmingway, AREA51, Jimmys-MySpace, Jimmys-YouTube, PossumsVideos, Hillary Defeats Obama, Jimmy'sPictures

After This Past Weekend, I'm Pleased To See Monday !

I have grown a beard during the holidays and, unlike David Letterman and Conan O'Brien, who both also grew beards during the holidays, I do not have a problem with the current writers' strike. My partner, Shithead, and I, do all of our own writing, for which we sincerely apologize. I'll post a picture of my motley growth as soon as I remember to take one.

This weekend's jaunt took me to my normal watering hole at Lakes Cafe and then on to the Billiards Club about three miles away. My pal Emilio and I decided we'd do a Banzai run around the area to check the status quo. The following is a true story (more or less) and the names and places may or may not have been changed to protect the inebriated.

                                  

We arrived at Lakes Cafe around 9 p.m. and found the club just beginning to shake the happy hour lethargy. The karaoke show was just beginning and I sat down with my friend, Johnny W. Black and settled in. Hector and Lourdes stopped by for a cocktail and it was great to see them again. They've been kinda laying low after all the months of displacement from their home during a tremendous remodeling job.

After a while, Johnny suggested I sing a couple of songs and, being the good friend that I am, I complied with "After The Loving" by Engelbert Humperdink and an old favorite of mine, "Fly Me To The Moon".

We moved on to the Billiards Club and I ran into a lot of people I haven't seen in a while, including the owner, his guests and a young lady named Mia (who I didn't remember, but she assured me that she knew me). Of course, I'm a lot better with faces than names being a member in good standing of The Old Timer's Association. Time has a way of slipping by when you're entertained and I got home somewhere between 3-4 a.m., the exact time being somewhat obscured by the fact that the fact was somewhat obscured (what?).

Being the glutton for punishment that I am, On Saturday, Emilio and I decided we'd try a little place that specialized in cigars. The place (the name of which escapes me) has an area where you can smoke and an area where the patrons play dominoes (which is the real reason we went). Unfortunately, they have only soda and water as beverages and although the domino games were fun, the lack of suitable beverages forced us to abandon our domino careers and to forge on to the Billiards Club, where we met up with the poet, J. Whiskey Black and an unnamed lass with whom we passed the remainder of the evening. One of these evenings, we should play billiards ! Sunday was spent, alas, just spent, as was I !

The Pictures: Some feel good pictures of a deer found swimming in one of the great lakes by a kindly fisherman. The deer, who put up no fight due to exhaustion, was rescued and later released by the kindly fisherman (notice the Marine Corp T-shirt). There's more random shots that I found this weekend that I hope you enjoy.

This Date In History: 1610; Italian astronomer Galileo observes threesatellites orbiting Jupiter. 1785; French aeronaut Jean Pierre Blanchard and American physician John Jeffries of Boston are the first to successfully cross the English Channel in a gas balloon. 1913; The process to obtain gasoline from crude oil is patented. 1927; Commercial phone service across the Atlantic begins. 1953; U.S. President Harry Truman announces the development of the Hydrogen bomb. 1955; American singer Marian Anderson is the first black woman to perform at the Metropolitan Opera House.

Birthdays: Millard Fillmore, 13th president of the United States, (1800), Albert Bierstadt, American painter (1830), Jean Pierre Rampal, French flutist (1922).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: From my pal, Beverly comes...

An old, tired-lookingdog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collarand well-fed belly that he had ahome. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner. Anhour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

              

The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour.This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:'He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

A man got a new Ferrari for his birthday and went to test drive it on the highway. As he was driving he wondered how fast it could go, but before he could get very far he heard sirens. He sped up thinking he could outrun the cop, but then he came to his senses and pulled over. The cop walked over and asked for the man's license and registration. Then the cop said, "Listen, Mac, it's Friday, I'm tired, and I just want to go home, so if you can give me an excuse I haven't heard before, I'll let you go."

The man thought for a minute, then replied, "My wife ran off with a cop the other day, and I thought you were trying to give her back to me."

The cop nodded and said, "Have a nice day."

That's it for today my little doodlebugs. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !

Tags: Jimmy'sJournal, JimSulliv3, AREA51, pshemmingway, JimmysVideos, PossumsVideos, Obama Won't Win, Jimmys-MySpace