Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire (The Christmas Song)

This is my favorite song for the holidays and my newest video.


More soon!

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Happy Halloween !

Happy Halloween to all of my readers and Facebook friends. Be Safe !

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Jump Jive And Wail

Girl From Ipanema

In Memory Of The Victims Of 9/11

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Wins An Exciting And Emotional Daytona Nationwide 250 !

Dale Earnhardt Jr. crossed the finish line first Friday night winning the Daytona 250 as thousands in the grandstands and millions tuned into the television cheered wildly. Earnhardt's number 3 Wrangler Chevrolet, the car's blue-and-yellow retro paint scheme, is a tribute to his late father, Dale Earnhardt Sr., who drove the No. 3 to six of his seven championships before he was killed in an accident on the last lap of the 2001 Daytona 500.

As Earnhardt made his victory lap, absorbing and cherishing the crowd's emotion, his crew chief and first cousin, Tony Eury Jr., cried openly on pit road. Richard Childress, his dad's former team owner and best friend, met Dale Jr. in victory circle for a congratulatory hug. Earnhardt Jr. has won eight races on Daytona's high banks, but this win was very special.

As "Little E" drove toward victory circle, I couldn't help but remember the day that his father was killed at Daytona. Deep down, I felt that Dale Sr. was smiling down on his son. I'm proud of Dale Jr., not only for his spectacular win, but for taking on the added burden of driving "his father's car" and the uncertainty of whether he could win this event.

The only problem that I have with Dale Jr., is the nerve wracking last laps that left me mentally exhausted and looking for my bottle of Johnnie Walker Black. Congratulations to Dale Earnhardt Jr for winning such an exciting event and congratulations to me for not having a stroke.

Here's the final laps of the Daytona 250. Remember to mute my music playlist on the left sidebar.

Laugh Lines: A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin - in every way." The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together. An impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She says, "You're the first! No one has ever touched these." He immediately drops his pants and replies, "Look at this, still in the crate!"

Two old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical science, and such, when one brings up the latest male medical miracle, Viagra. The other wasn't familiar with Viagra and asked the first man what it was for. The first man said, "It's the greatest thing I've ever known. The Fountain of Youth! Makes you feel like a man of 30." The second then asked, "Can you get it over the counter?" The first man replied, "You probably could, if you took 2 pills."

The following pictures are from the press release when Dale Jr., Richard Childress and Teresa Earnhardt announced they would race the retro paint-schemed number 3 at the July 4th Daytona Nationwide race.

How's that for irony? I couldn't happen to a nicer family!

That's it for now. Have a great fourth of July weekend. More soon.

Stay Tuned !

Franchitti Wins Indianapolis 500 - Video: Mike Conway Crash - Car Cut In Half On The Final Lap.

Happy Memorial Day to everyone. Today is a day to remember the men and women of our armed forces, both past and present.

Dario Franchitti drove 199 nearly flawless laps, then survived the last one with a huge break from a spectacular crash to climb back on top of the open-wheel world Sunday with his second win at the Indianapolis 500.

Two years removed from his failed try in NASCAR, Franchitti held on with a scant tenth of a gallon of fuel left in the tank -- a victory made possible by a crash that sent Mike Conway airborne on the final lap. "Still running," Franchitti told his crew over the radio as he crossed the finish line, while wreckers were moving out to scoop up debris from Conway's accident with Ryan Hunter-Reay.

Franchitti's second Brickyard victory in four years helped his boss, Chip Ganassi, become the first owner to win Indy and NASCAR's Daytona 500 in the same year. It also validated the Scottish driver's return to the IndyCar circuit two years after celebrating his 2007 Indy victory by making an unsuccessful move to NASCAR. England's Dan Wheldon, the 2005 winner who closed furiously as Franchitti slowed to save fuel before Conway's crash, was second, and fellow Brit Alex Lloyd was third.

Pole-sitter Helio Castroneves saw his quest for his record-tying fourth Indy victory come to an end with an uncharacteristic mistake -- stalling out leaving the pits on the 146th lap. It left him in need of a yellow-flag miracle at the end that never came. He had to pit again on the 193rd lap and finished ninth.

That was four spots behind Danica Patrick, who picked and poked her way from 23rd to finish fifth despite a balky car that she complained about in qualifying. Patrick never found her comfort zone over 500 miles in 88-degree weather - at one point saying she wished she could make up as much time on the track as in the pits - but she was patient and disciplined and now has three top-five finishes in six years.

Laugh Lines: An Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face and says "Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"? His mother said, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm." Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower"? She replied, "Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she replied.

He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"? His mom said, "We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived." The mother paused and said to her son, "Tell me, Two Dogs Humping," why are you so curious?"

In Louisiana, Boudreaux was out in the field talking with his friend, Thibodeaux. Thibodeaux said, "Boudreaux, you see dat ole barn out dere? Well man, its completely infestered wit rats. I tried everything I know an can't get rid of dem." Boudreaux said, "Thibodeaux, I know xactly how to get rid of dem rats. You gotta get you one of dem bull constriptors."

Thibodeaux said, "Whats a bull constriptor?" Boudreaux explains, "Man, dats one of dem big ole snakes and he loves to eat rats and swallers dem whole, all at once."

The next day, Thibodeaux went down to Kliberts reptile farm and bought him the biggest Boa Constrictors they had. He brought the snake to the barn and let him loose. Thibodeaux watched for a long time and the big snake just curled up and slept all day. He didn't even move and the rats just ran everywhere.

So Thibodeaux got frustrated and he called up Boudreaux on the phone, "Boudreaux, man dats some bad advice bout dat snake. Dem rats is still runnin' al around and dat snake jus lays dere sleepin' all day long." Boudreaux says, "Man, Thibodeaux, I know just what to do. Give dat snake some Viagra." Thibodeaux said, "What? Viagra? What's dat gonna do?" Boudreaux said,"I was just listening to da radio and de man say dat Viagra is da best ting to use for a reptile dysfunction."

That's it for now. More soon.

Stay Tuned !

I'm Moving My Family To Mexico

Dear President Obama:

I'm planning to move my family and extended family to Mexico for my health, and I would like to ask you to assist me. We're planning to simply walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and we'll need your help to make a few arrangements.

We plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Calderon, that I'm on my way over

Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:

1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.
3. Please print all Mexican Government forms in English.
4. I want my grandkids to be taught Spanish by English-speaking (bi-lingual teachers).
5. Tell their schools they need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. I want my grandkids to see the American flag on one of the flag poles at their school.
7. Please plan to feed my grandkids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
9. I do plan to get a car and drive in Mexico, but I don't plan to purchase car insurance, and I probably won't make any special effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from their president to leave me alone, please be sure that every patrol car has at least one English-speaking officer.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my housetop, put U.S. flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes or have any labor or tax laws enforced on any business I may start.
13. Please have the president tell all the Mexican people to be extremely nice and never say critical things about me or my family, or about the strain we might place on their economy.
14. I want to receive free food stamps.
15. Naturally, I'll expect free rent subsidies.
16. I'll need income tax credits so that, although I don't pay Mexican taxes, I'll receive money from the government.
17. Please arrange it so that the Mexican Government pays $4,500 to help me buy a new car.
18. Oh yes, I almost forgot, please enroll me free into the Mexican Social Security program so that I'll get a monthly income in retirement.

I know this is an easy request because the U.S. already does all these things for all his people who walk over to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that President Calderon won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.

Thank you so much for your kind help.

Sincerely,
Jimmy

Laugh Lines: A lady walked into a jewelry store and bent over to look more closely at a piece of jewelry, inadvertantly breaking wind. Embarrassed, she looked around to see if anyone had heard the "accident" and prayed that no salesman would come to attend her until the "fog had lifted".

Her worst fears were realized when a salesman came to assist her. Hoping that the salesman was not near at the time, she nervously asked, "Sir, exactly how much is this lovely bracelet?"

The salesman responded, "Lady, if you farted when you looked at it, you're gonna shit when you hear the price."

Two statues were in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other in the park for over 100 years. One day, an angel came down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brought them both to life.

The angel said, "For being so patient over 100 years of blazing summers and brutal winters, I will give you one hour of life to do what you wished the most." He looked at her and she looked at him and together, they ran off behind the shrubbery. The angel waited patiently as the bushes rustled and giggling ensued, and after thirty minutes they both emerged from behind the shrubbery.

The angel said, "Um, you still have thirty minutes left. Would you like to do it again?" He looked at her and said, "Shall we?" She eagerly replied, Oh yes ! Lets ! This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on his head."

That's if for now. More soon.

Stay Tuned !

Lazing On A Sunday Afternoon - Watching The Talladega Nascar Race !

If you like parlor games, you'll really enjoy the newest game called Bullshit Bingo. It's easy to play.

The Rules for Bullshit Bingo:

1. Before Obama's next televised speech, print-out the above bingo card.
2. While he reads his teleprompter out-loud, check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words or phrases.
3. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!"

There's Nascar racing at Talladega Super Speedway today and if you like excitement, tune in to NBC because the race will be starting at 1:00 pm (EST) and the Nationwide race will run after the Sprint Cup race. This is a race that you really don't want to miss!

Laugh Lines: One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to his daughter, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. The rancher's daughter takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when his daughter sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."

The man, assuming he is dealing with a naive young farm girl, asks, "Tell me Miss, how do you know that this is the right cow to be bred?'' The girl says, "That's simple, by the nail that's over its stall." Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?" The girl smiles, turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

That's it for now. More soon.

Stay Tuned !

Tiger Woods Nike Commercials Parodies

If you think the new Tiger Woods Nike Commercial is controversial, take a look at these parodies from YouTube (Mute the playlist music on my sidebar).

Calvin Klein could save a few bucks with this ready to roll new fragrance campaign.

Morgan Freeman and John F. Kennedy have some choice words and advice for Tiger. (via Morning Moose, from Lazer 103.3 radio station.)

Laugh Lines: An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said "Do you men know Jesus Christ?" They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers asked why. The worker yelled "his wife is here with his lunch".

That's it for now. More Soon.

Stay Tuned !